Ready for installment #2 of the grossest show on TV? No? Well buckle up anyway, because I’m about to tell you all about it.
We began with a weird, drunken white trash fight between the twins. From what I can gather, the virgin called the slutty one a slut and then they both cried. I reference them this way only because it’s the way they branded themselves in their intro package. And there’s no need to speak respectfully of women who consider themselves to be essentially one person.
Rhythm and Blues
The challenge this week was rhythmic gymnastics because, well, nothing on this show makes sense. The guys and gals would compete separately, one from each group winning.
The girls went first, and it was terrible. I can only assume that they were all already drunk, even though it was the morning. These are people who drink beer for breakfast, after all. Worst, I’m sure it’s no surprise, was Erica Rose, who could be the mother of one of the tween gymnasts at the London 2012 Olympics. Everyone thought Blakely would win because she’s
probably a former stripper a really good dancer.
For the guys, I figured it would go to Stagliano as he’s a break dancer. The whole thing was a hilarious train wreck, of course, but miles better than the girls.
The judges were Ashley, JP, and an actual gymnast. Although I’m sure Ashley considered herself qualified to judge because she dances around her apartment in tube socks to the risky business soundtrack on Saturday nights.
For being worst, Erica and Ed were given one vote against them for the next rose ceremony. Best went to Blakely and Stagliano – no surprises there – and they each would get to choose someone to go on a date with. (If it were me, I’d suggest taking each other. Two for one deal!)
Because Erica was in danger, she wanted Stag to take her on the date so she’d be safe. But he was thinking with his
pants heart and decided to take Rachel, Lindzi and Donna on the outing. Obviously, Erica was upset.
They went to an angsty concert with some Bachelor Pad staff (one can only assume) and Donna was practically drooling the whole time over Stag. Unfortunately, that drool put out any possible sparks and there was way more heat with Rachel – in fact, there was a lot of making out on the dance floor, in front of anyone. Awkward.
Even though Stag spent most of the night making out with Rachel, he also threw Donna a bone after she confessed having a huge crush on him and showed her the creepy stalker facial composite drawing she’d done of him. OK, less of a bone and more of a tongue shoved down her throat. Gross, Stag. Gross. He still gave the rose to Rachel.
Back at the house, there was major partner dramz going on. Jamie wanted Chris to dump Blakely for her, because she’s the kind of girl you bring home and marry, and Blakely’s a cocktail waitress. I dunno darlin’, you’re both on Bachelor Pad…
Chris, of course, is not the kind of guy who’s looking to bring someone home to his adorable Polish family, no matter what he tried to sell on The Bachelorette. So he whispered sweet nothings into her ear and then smirked about what a good game he’s playing.
Blakely was upset, so Chris comforted her the only way people on this show know how: with his tongue. Stop the madness, people! I hope you all get mono! While Chris and Blakely were making out, Jamie was sitting on the top bunk crying. That is some weird, weird stuff. Really, did she have nowhere else to go? I don’t think Rachel was using her bed!
Blakely Me Out Tonight
For her date, Blakely chose Chris (duh), Ed (ew) and Dave (a newbie). The date was a soapbox derby, which is crazy romantic. Actually, it seemed fun – they got to design their cars. My favorite was Ed’s pickle-mobile, and my least favorite was Dave’s rose-mobile because I thought it looks like a used tampon.
Ed the Pickle won the race, they drank wine and went to the mansion that The Bachelor(ette) is filmed in. So everyone probably caught a new strain of chlamydia from that hot tub. Eventually, Blakely gave the rose to Chris.
Man, this show is slutty. Who has hooked up so far? Stag an Rachel, Blakely and Chris, a twin and that Dave guy, probably Lindzi and Kalon. The worst was Ed and Sara, because Sara was obviously only doing whatever she was doing because she thought being the only girl not hooking up was “pathetic”. Oh, honey, no. That was pathetic.
While everyone else was either snoring or being gross, the twins were fighting AGAIN. All. Night. Eventually they decided to leave, and Slutty Twin had an absolutely heartwrenching goodbye with Dave. He was obviously really upset about it. I mean, I’m sure he would have been if he’d cared enough to wake up and respond. They drove off, yelling and bickering and crying in the reject van. I’m pretty sure they’ve actually got mental issues.
The most hilarious part? In the morning, Dave didn’t even know the twins had gone home. Again, it was a really heartfelt and saddening goodbye.
Because the twins left, the girls were safe this week. Only the girls would vote, and one dude would bite the dust. It seemed like Dave was the obvious choice, but Kalon wanted to keep him around over Ryan. He got Lindzi on his side (WHAT does she see in him?) and a bunch of her friends, so it looked like the virgin of Bachelor Pad’s days were over.
Reid got mad, so he decided to convince a bunch of girls to vote for Ed, convincing people that he was running the game with Chris and needed to be cut while he had a vote already against him. (I can’t believe I’m discussing this as though any of the strategy is smart of matters. It doesn’t.)
Sarah went along with the plan to vote for Ed despite hooking up with him the night before, but because poor decision making skills is basically a prerequisite for coming on this show she immediately went and apologized to him. These people are the worst at this “game”.
In the end, Dave was eliminated. So I guess this big “fans” twist is working out real well for Bachelor Pad.