Ally: I asked L-A if I was allowed to make a list dedicated to crappy pop music videos. She was rather gleeful in her response encouraging me to do so. Then I read this:
She’s not thinking clearly. Still, I shall proceed taking advantage of her weak state as any good, self-indulgent co-blogger would do. I could have included many videos on this list. These are just the ones that struck my dis-fancy today.
In no particular order…
1. Enrique Iglesias: Hero
I could easily fill all of these five slots with Enrique videos. Easily. We’ve got this one, and then this one, and then (OMG!) this one (all of which were downloaded at one time or another on my computer…it’s shocking it has self-imploded yet *knocking head on wood*).
Hero made the list over the others (and it was tough) as it best reflected the following tactics which we can find in the vast majority of Enrique’s videos:
- B-List Starlet: In this case, The Love Hewitt. I may hate this video especially much because every guy I dated was always into the Love Hewitt. Still pisses me off.
- Over-acting: Note the latin one playing the piano with deep pain at the 0.50 second mark.
- Extended dry-humping: So, so awkward here. They appear to be dry-humping for hours starting at the 2:00 minute mark. With…money…
- Dramatic climax in which Enrique wins the girl: How they got Mickey Rourke to be involved in this disaster is a mystery (I doubt this is how he got his role in that wrestler movie). The “battle scene” is a beautiful display of smelly shit on fire if you like that sort of thing. Please don’t miss the slapping scene at the 3:15 mark. Even Enrique seems surprised at his aggression. he’s a LOVER not a fighter.
2. Kevin Federline: Lose Control
Part of the qualifications to appear on this list is that I have to feel physical pain for you throughout the entire video. The embarrassment cringes do not cease. Not for one second. This is absolutely why Kevin Federline made the list. I was tempted to put the video of his Teen Choice Awards “debut” up instead (my friend Stepha and I pronounce this “day-boo” as it sounds much more precious) but out of loyalty to Britney, I’ll only provide the link. Trust me, it’s priceless.
Sometimes in life we come across people who genuinly believe they are the real article, despite all signs that point to no (Lindsay Lohan), due to an inflated sense of self, they proceed with the belief that they have talent to share with the world (Lindsay Lohan), and walk away from their disasters trusting that one day their Oscar will come (Lindsay Lohan). Sadly, this was the case for Kevin “Don’t hate me cause I’m a superstar” Federline.
I still giggle at the Eminem quote (even though I know I shouldn’t):
“He’s tried everything and failed at it. If I was in his situation, I’d just keep knocking her up and then go to the club.”
There was a moment in time where I thought K-Fed was attractive. I also dated SMU football players. Same/Same.
3. Christina Aguilera: Dirrty
Unfortunately, I couldn’t post Christina’s Vevo version as you have to sign in to view that filth. I wasn’t sure if many of you had YouTube accounts, so, here is the “low-res” edited version. Enjoy.
I remember the first time I saw this video. I was laying in bed with my friend Brad (relax, purely platonic) eating sour candies and gummy bears. We were flicking through the channels and caught the intro for “Christina’s new video” on Much Music. Cue to sour candies falling out of our mouths as we watched the tragedy unfold.
Never has desperation been so tangible as in this video. I can still smell it. In my opinion, Christina has never recovered from this mess. In wanting to have the world, “see her as she really is”, the world actually saw her as “she really is”.
Side story, Brad also met Britney Spears in New York one New Year’s Eve. I was staying at his, and his boyfriend’s, condo for a stint (long story that involves a relationship break-up and being homeless as a result), and was spending the NYE watching Sex and the City and drinking ridiculously expensive wine that I found in their wine cellar (#sorrynotsorry). I received a phone call with a lot of gasping, a few tears, and finally a tale that outlined how Britney Spears had asked Brad to light her ciggy.
4. Olivia Newton-John: Physical
Don’t even try to blame this on the 80′s, ok? Do not. The 80′s brought us a lot of hair and a lot of music video joy.
This video was a natural disaster.Whoever directed this (too lazy to Google) should be ashamed, as I’m sure Olivia is today at the way she blatantly made fun of people’s sizes throughout the video. That was bad, for sure. What was worse is the way she creepily crawled around the gym floor and then got up on the treadmill with them to simulate sexual overtures. Lady, take note from Enrique. Also, the song is gawd-awful in general.
5. Heart: All I Wanna do is Make Love to You
Yes, Heart is on my list, bitches.I know, you’re wondering why R. Kelly’s Trapped in the Closet Chapters 1 to 7,645 did not make the list not to mention Sisqo’s Thong Song. All fair points, but they did not raise the creep factor like this video did. Mostly though, this video made me angry. Angry cause this bitch is clearly lying.
For real? You picked up a hitchhiker and brought him to a hotel cause you wanted a baby?
Admit you wanted to step-out, ok? Then it could have been a totally different video. Lose the creepy line about “what your husband couldn’t give you” near the end and let’s just call it what it is. I’d give you the side eye, but I wouldn’t be as disturbed.
P.S. I bet your husband has red hair and will totally know that the baby is not his kid.
P.P.S. You could have at least done something with your hair.
So there you have it. My pick for the top five amazingly awful yet memorable pop videos as it strikes me today. The list could be totally different another day, and hey if we’re up against the wall on a deadline for work you just might get another list with this theme.