AllyG: Sweet Baby in a Bread Basket it is hotter than Leo Dicaprio in a Tom Ford suit out there. I just got inside from standing under my sprinkler…in my Kirstie Alley Dress. What? It’s smoking hot and I just got back from a walk. Clearly the entire neighbourhood thinks I’m having a hormonal breakdown and I pretty much am. It’s days like today where my sensibility goes right out the window. In fact, if I could, I would wear this:

I know. I’ve gone crazy. I want to walk around the neighbourhood in my undergarments. IT IS SO HOT THAT I WOULD EVEN DO THIS:

If I was sane right now, I would tell you that this is the FUNNIEST S*IT I have EVER SEEN. In 50  years, researchers will look back at 2009 and deem us all to be intellectually stunted using this photo as evidence.

In fact, it is SO HOT, that I would even tell you that this was an appropriate outfit:

Those, my friends, are called “Lucite Heels”. Fabulous.

L-A? Please don’t boot me from the blog. I promise I will regain my sanity tomorrow.

L-A: It’s too damn hot to judge you for this post. Not too damn hot to judge celebs (never too hot for that) in their beachwear.  After painting all afternoon (it was humanitarian aid: what the previous owners had done to that house was unfathomable. People should have to get a license to sponge paint. I barely like it when it’s done well…actually, that’s the trouble. I don’t think I’ve ever seen it done well. This just happened to be the worst I’ve seen) and then eating giant BBQ, I came home and wanted to just pass out. So, I tried to pass out. But every time the oscillating fan moved off of me, my skin felt like it was on fire. Too. Damn. Hot. Maybe we could have it hot in the daytime and cooler at night? Just so I can get some sleep?

Moving along…

Okay, the beachwear there isn’t exactly ridiculous. But the show was (I will admit that I did watch it. But it was the early 90s. Remember when Jill got attacked by the shark? So sad. They probably picked her as shark attack victim as she was the only one without a heaving bosom) and I just felt like sharing that pic with you.

So, I actually don’t make it a habit to harsh on anyone’s beachwear because bathing suits in public is kind of an embarrassing thing. We all do it, but it’s better if we just don’t talk about it. And if we only show professional models wearing swimwear. Unless of course you’re Helen Mirran and you’re in your 60s and look this good:

Golf claps for Helen.

But there are times like these, when I barely slept all night and woke up cranky and groggy that I need to make some comments. Because clearly these are folks suffering from heat stroke. And one who really has fashion insanity from the heat is Whitney Port. Here she is at the beach:

At first glance, you probably think the heat has gone to my head. But take a closer look. That has to be the most ill conceived ruffle on a bathing suit bottom ever.  And it doesn’t get better when she put on her beach cover up:

Paisley running shorts! Of course!

When not sunning herself in Miami, Whits takes to Central Park:

You see Ally? Not only is it okay to walk around the house in you undergarments, but you can also just whip off your top and sunbathe in your bra in Central Park. No Biggie. (This one kind of out-ridiculouses J.Love’s tennis in bikini and wedges…wait, I just thought about playing tennis in wedges and realized that you can’t out-ridiculous that).  Anyway, word on the gossip blogs is that Whitney narrowly avoided a wardrobe malfunction when her top began to rise up. And by top, they mean bra. I think the real wardrobe malfunction is the fact that she is sunbathing in public in her bra. Sure the bra is providing more coverage than most of her bikinis. Sure it’s a cute bra. But you are a famous “reality” television star Whitney! Just tell a minion to run out and buy you a bikini top. Save the bra sunbathing for home or something.

Moving on to folks possibly losing their mind in the heat.

Oh my. I decided to spare you and chose a copy of this photo that doesn’t include the Mayercraft. Because even as a joke, and even on a guy with that kind of body, this was too scary for words. Another beachwear joke that sort of scarred me (but not nearly as much):

Oh that Jim Carrey. So amusing…not really. I’m not even sure this elicited a snicker from me.

And speaking of dudes in summer, can I ask a favour of all dudes in Halifax? If y’all aren’t at the beach, a pool or in the privacy of your own homes, can I ask you to keep your shirts on? There is an alarming number of men of all shapes and sizes wandering around town topless. Aside from the fact that it’s not particularly fair to those of us who can’t walk around topless (Although Whitney is fighting the good fight on that one), it’s really not that attractive. Even if you are all buff from the the gym, you’re not making anyone swoon, so keep the top on. Because when you don’t, you kind of look like a douche. Like this guy:

Sure, he’s at the beach, so the topless is fine. But the douchiness is not so much. Because unless this was Matthew McConaughey’s own private beach, he had to know he was putting on a show for the cameras.