L-A: In my head, I was just singing my theme song to first Awards show of our year. It goes something like this: “Emmy dress porn, Emmy dress porn, Emmy dress por-or-or-orn.” It was equally lame in my head. But fortunately, the thing that wasn’t lame this year was the dresses on the red carpet! For the past two years I’ve been super bored with everything I’ve seen. Remember the red carpets when everyone wore a shade of champagne or red? Oh man. Super fun to watch. And while the Sunday night airing of the Emmys means I can’t for reals start an Emmys drinking game (shot every time they say, “It’s Marchesa” and you’re in the bag by 8pm), I was at least moderately entertained by dresses I either loved or hated (and I’d rather hate your dress than be bored by it. Because at least you tried).

So with all of that, let’s talk dresses.

Loved it!

 Ginnifer Goodwin

While I can’t understand her constant bitchface in photos, I love the dress from afar. Up close on camera, a little less so. But overall, it’s a Love.

 

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The shoes on second glance I liked far less as they were clear plastic on the sides. Those couldn’t have been comfortable in the heat they were all talking about.

Leslie Mann

I don’t particularly care for Leslie Mann most of the time, but I’m 100% on board with her and her stylist’s choice in dresses.

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I like the crocheted look of the top, but what I really love (other than the formal pockets) is the colour of the skirt and how well it goes with the turquoise jewelry. Well played, Leslie Mann. You made me care about you.

Michelle Dockery (Mary of Downton Abbey)

I don’t know what the front looks like, but I like the formal pockets and the fact that it isn’t Marchesa (it’s Vuitton).

 

On further investigation, I don’t love the front. But I’m keeping her on my love list for the formal pockets and the back of that dress.

I’m sorry, no.

Hayden Panettiere

I dislike this actress for so many reasons. Mostly I hate her acting. You don’t know how many times I wished Heroes was about saving anyone but the cheerleader in order to save the world. But dislike of this dress has little to do with my deep seeded dislike of her.

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The colour is great. But I think a fancy toga is fit for the pit. Unless you are going to a very fancy toga party, in which case, this would be an excellent choice to get down to Otis Day and the Knights:

Zooey Deschanel

I’m sorry Zooey. I am. And I hope we can still be Pretend BFFs after this. But your dress was just a bit much for me.

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So the colour is great. I love it. And I like the idea of a strapless number with a floufy skirt. But here’s where it goes wrong: it’s doing nothing for your boobs. In fact, it’s dragging them down. And the laser cut skirt? Maybe I could deal if I liked the top more, but overall, it’s just not working for me.

Emily Van Camp

Another actress I love (can Revenge (!!!) get back on my TV already?), but in a dress I can’t love (Connie Britton was another one of those).

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Love the colour, love most of the skirt, hate the top so much that I can’t love the dress. But the bracelet? It was the best thing to come of the awkward “Mani-cam” on E!, because I got a close up of that bad boy and I want it.

 What the what now??

Portia de Rossi

Oh honey. You are in a class all of your own. An oh how the mighty have fallen. I haven’t seen you for a few years, but I’m pretty sure you used to bring the glam. And now this? This is like seven shades of crazy and you’re possibly channeling Tilda Swinton.

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Please, let Swinton be Swinton and you find something non-Swintonish to wear. Also, the colour isn’t doing you any favours. And you look like your hair may have been caught in a windstorm. Let’s get this fixed up for whatever parties they have planned for the return of Arrested Development (so pumped for that. I look forward to seeing you on my netflix).

Ally: I knew I wasn’t going to be able to bear the Emmys this year when upon turning in I caught Max Greenfield and his wife “Tess” dry humping on the red carpet. I have never seen a man look so uncomfy on the red carpet. She was BEGGING him to kiss her. Also, who is Tess? Please check out this interview, “It’s about the ride.”

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I just lost any motivation to continue on, plus Bar Rescue was on and I like the man who yells a lot on there. So, I spent the red carpet flipping back and forth.

If I had to pick, I would say that Elisabeth Moss really stood out for me.

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Have you ever seen something on TV, fallen in love, and then taken a look at the photo the next day and seriously questioned your ability to judge anything? I’m here right now. I did like the pattern, and I did like the cut of the dress, but I also did miss the amount of ruffles and are those velvet wtf shoes?! I must have been blinded by her wicked hair.

L-A wrote on Twitter that she was curious as to my opinion on Nicole Kidman’s appearance. First off, I don’t have an opinion on inanimate objects. Secondly, if I did, I would reference another inanimate object in the form of vomit.

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Is that a gladiator dress? I am not understanding. I miss the Nicole Kidman  of yore.

Then there was Klum.

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Try-Hard

A person who puts a large amount of effort into achieving a certain image, or counter-image, to the point where it is obviously contrived. Rather than achieving an image through genuine personality, the try-hard consciously attempts to fit a certain style through deliberate imitation, forced style, or scripted behavior. That is to say, he/she is trying hard to create an image.

Examples: An affluent, suburban dweller who makes great efforts to cover himself in tattoos and piercings; try-hard.

I know, I know, I’m being really negative, but it’s hard for me to find anything good in this mess. There was a sliver of hope in this dress by January Jones as inspired by Gaga’s Gilda the Good Witch.

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Still, it’s not quite there…

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Nothing makes me angrier than these types of dresses on the red carpet. Christina, seriously? There is nothing else that can accentuate your lovely figure? There is only one go-to? One??!! If I put this picture next to my bowl of oatmeal (El Jeffe is serious about oatmeal every morning, I feign enthusiasm) I would not know where to dump my spoon.

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I guess, to sum, I liked pretty much nothing.

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Although I’m excited to see that Kristen Wigg is looking to be cast in a Country Music Video.

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Please let this happen.