Last night the season finale of The Bachelor aired. Like I do every season, I screeced “THREE HOURS???” when I hit play on the DVR. Sheesh. They really know how to drag something out on this show.

This is a review of the finale and the “After the Final Rose” special, so click through if you want to know who won.

Family Matters

Sean was hoping that the women visiting with his family would help bring “clarity”, but his family – especially his dad – was over the moon with both women. Catherine was immediately accepted into the family, and knowing that she lost her dad, it was actually a little sweet to hear Sean’s dad say he’d consider her a daughter. I mean, it would be sweeter if he actually knew her. But still.

Lindsay seemed to fit in with Sean’s family the best, in that rich white people kind of way. I still think Lindsay lacks any discernible personality, and she comes across like a high school student. She seems too immature for Sean.

Sean’s mom Sherry still wasn’t thrilled with the idea of a proposal, and it was nice to hear an actual voice of reason on the show. She told him that he should be sure, that he shouldn’t feel pressure to propose, and that if he was going to propose he should probably have stronger feelings for one woman than the other.

Sean took his mother’s advice seriously, but not seriously enough to actually listen. So he went on two dates.

Date #1 – Lindsay

Sean and Lindsay went on a boating date dressed like models for an exclusive country club. Sean was in red shorts and a sky blue tank top, and Lindsay in tiny pink daisy dukes. It’s enough to make you sick.

Lindsay seems very sweet, but I just find her so YOUNG. Like a high schooler. Sean is 29 and a business owner. Lindsay is 24 and seems younger. She’s a substitute teacher and probably hasn’t been out of school all that long. I can see her moving to Texas and allowing her whole life to revolve around Sean, and if Sean were to pick her and I would think it was because it was the easiest choice.

“I can picture you being a hot old chick” is something Sean said to Lindsay. “I love you. I mean it. I’ve never meant it this much,” is something Lindsay said to Sean. That tells you everything you need to know about The Bachelor.

Lindsay got drunk, and that was the date. Too. Young.

Date #2 – Catherine

ELEPHANTS! I love elephants. The highlight of my life so far was feeding elephants at Knysna Elephant Reserve in South Africa. I have adored them for as long as I can remember. So I was jealous of this date. And I appreciated that Sean let Catherine sit in front and guide the elephant.

This date just seemed like so much more fun. I mean, it’s not like any of these Bachelor relationships work out – I thought Emily and Jeff were right together and they broke up, so I hold no illusions there. But of the two, Sean relationship with Catherine feels more normal and down to earth.

Poor Catherine. She has such a hard time talking about the serious things, probably because she has only been dating Sean for a few weeks and he has another girlfriend. When Catherine told Sean “I love you”, he responded with “Thank you for today.” Well, that’s better than “You’d be a hot old person”. Because Catherine is a normal person, it wasn’t good enough for her and she left feeling like crap. This is a sign that Catherine is too normal for the show. Because normal people want to get feelings back when they put feelings out there!

Decision 2013

It definitely seemed like Sean was going to choose Lindsay, so I thought maybe we were being faked out and he’d choose Catherine. Many of the women – Sarah, AshLee and Jackie – thought that he’d choose Lindsay, and Leslie was alone in thinking that Catherine was the right pick. I always liked Leslie.

Sean expressed his dread over dumping a nice girl for no reason. The reject SUV pulled up, and Lindsay got out. “Today is the day I am getting engaged,” she said. Oh, sweetie. Sorry. Sean didn’t rip the bandaid off quickly, either. He sugarcoated it, which is the worst. It was sad, Lindsay looked like Taylor Swift after the Kanye incident. He said the hardest part is he loves her, which made it So. Much. Worse. Lindsay begged him to stop, and he kept saying “It’s important that you know how hard this is for me.” Selfish much? He can’t stand being the bad guy.

For someone who came across as a silly little girl for much of the season, Lindsay handled the rejection with a surprising amount of maturity. I thought she’d sob more in front of him. In the car, I hoped she’d pull it together a little more. The repeated “This is like, sad. This is like really sad” and the “I don’t want to be alone” at age 24 was a little much. It was charming when she took her shoes off, though.

The Letter

The letter Sean read was from Catherine, and was entirely positive. What a letdown. Did anyone else wonder if Catherine’s own family was peeved by how excited she was to move to Dallas and join Sean’s family? Her sisters threw her under the bus, she told Sean that she’s not that close to them and she practically asked his dad to adopt her. Clearly, they aren’t the tightest family.

I wish Catherine’s dress had fit a little better for the big moment. Sean said nice things, he proposed, she said yes. They literally rode off into the sunset on an elephant. But come on. What we really want to know is, how long before they break up?

After the Final Rose

There were two announcements during the special – Sean had “late, breaking news” about his relationship with Catherine – and we found out who the new Bachelorette is.

First, Lindsay came out. She was polite, which meant the whole thing was pretty boring. The girl is nice, but she has the personality of a fluffy pink bath towel. If she had been the Bachelorette, it would make for a dull season.

Next Catherine came out, still with a giant rock on her finger and still holding Sean’s hand. So we knew a breakup wouldn’t be the big announcement. It was pretty boring, and I kind of wanted to punch Chris Harrison when he commented that Catherine’s letter had America in a panic. That was because The Bachelor suggested that the letter was going to be game-changing! This show is ridiculous.

My prediction was that the “big announcement” was that maybe Sean and Catherine had already secretly gotten married. Nope. Nothing that interesting. They will get married on TV, because they want a free wedding. Booooooring. Sean wouldn’t say if Catherine was moving to Dallas, only that she had packed her bags and that “life is crazy”. That sounds like “moving to L.A. to be fame whores” to me. Everyone on this show is the worst. (Apparently Sean will reveal a big secret on Good Morning America tomorrow. That secret is that he wants to be famous.)

The next Bachelorette is…

Des’s absence from the audience when Chris was polling rejected women on who Sean would choose was suspicious, so I wasn’t surprised at all when Chris Harrison announced her as the next Bachelorette. This is fine. I would be fine watching Des or Sarah, and frankly I was just breathing a sigh of relief that it wasn’t Lindsay.

Well, this was boring. What did you guys think? Did the results surprise you? Do you think Sean and Catherine will actually make it down the altar?

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