And no, I’m not talking about pretend vacuums. I’m talking about toys that make parents cringe.

As something was growing in my living room tonight, I decided enough is enough and I started this list of kids toys that I hate*.

I have been at this parenting gig for 12.5 years. So I fancy myself a sort of expert when it comes to toys, especially annoying toys.

Here is my list of top 10 toys that really suck (IMO):

1. Anything that gives birth. I am not talking about a human birth, silly. I am talking about this disgusting “dinosaur egg” that my daughter picked up at the dollar store. The egg has been in labour for 5 days… In my living room. Horrific.
2. Anything that a child regularly puts in their mouth… which is EVERYTHING! For example, think about soothers, especially if it’s your second (or more) child. You know, you’ve done it. Picked the pacifier up off the floor, licked it off and shoved in back in your babe’s mouth for another suck session. Not really baby toys but “parenting assistants.” Same thing.
3. Anything that has to be groomed. I can barely shave my legs half the time let alone deal with brushing the hair of dolls when my daughter was in a tantrum because the doll had a bird nest on her head. Think: Barbies, especially after they have been at the “barbershop” (aka hacked at by dull kid scissors)… or soaked in the pool sink for extended periods of time. Barbie then looks like she had a rough weekend and did the walk of shame back to her Malibu Beach House. Not something I need to see… again (been there, done that).
4. Anything that comes with pads and a period. And while I am at it, anything that poops or pees. Don’t I have enough asses to wipe around here or enough stages of puberty to go through in the next few years? Yes. Yes, I do. Thank you very much.
5. Stuffed animals. They are literally dust bunnies and dust dogs, cats, lizards or whatever species they are supposed to be! They collect dust. And snot. Lots of snot has been wiped on stuffies. They are a health hazard. Burn them. Now.
6. Anything that cries. Again, if I wanted something that cried, I would have another baby or get another husband.
7. Anything that has 5 million (or even 5) pieces. I am thinking about puzzles. They are painful. Trust me. Back away from the puzzles. I am still finding Dora the Explorer body parts around the house years after she left our lives (and viewing schedule). It’s like an episode of CSI.
8. Anything that has to be dry-cleaned for a child. Ever. Seriously, have you ever been NEAR a kid. You are just sick. Don’t buy it, it doesn’t matter how cute it would look… leave it at the store. Please.
9. I know, I know. It’s wonderful… educational, creative, stimulating for the mind. I get it, I do. I just hate stepping on it. Like really, really hate stepping on it. Then curse words come out of my mouth so Lego is harmful to the psyche of children. Put it back on the shelf.
10. Nail polish, eye liner, make up… Yes, I know, little girls love to paint their nails and look pretty and grown up. But please, that shit gets EVERYWHERE! On the floors, countertop, toilet seats (it’s true, I have proof). Keep that stuff away from kids. PS. The dog agrees, so do her red nails.

So that’s it. What’s on your list of toys that you hate wish hadn’t ever crossed the threshold of your house? Spill it.

PS. Don’t tell my kids that I used the word hate (twice), we’re not allowed to say that in my house and I’d get in trouble. Those kids scare me. Where’s my wine??