You know the theory of “fake it til you make it?” Like even if your mind isn’t really on board 100% with something and you still go along with it with hopes that eventually your head will actually BE on board with whatever thing it is?  In my life, it’s always been related to lifestyle and diet changes – getting your mindset in gear to work out at the gym (even though you REALLY don’t want to), or go for a run, or plan new and healthy meals etc.  The hope is that one day out of no where, you will be “there” in the place where you’re trying so hard to be and you get there because you went along with it, did it anyway and you were just along for the ride.  

Back when I was emerging with my baby bump and my new body as a pregnant woman, I struggled with this a lot.  Here I now am “Angie with One on the Way” (kind of like “Season 2”:-D) and I have an entirely new incredible journey to embark upon and it’s just as difficult as “Season 1” only in many different ways.  My body is changing, I was pregnant and it was beautiful.  It IS beautiful.  There is no doubt about that in my mind, it truly is.  I think pregnancy and motherhood is beautiful, even though there are days when I hate how I look in the mirror.  It’s not the beautiful belly that bothers me, it’s the extra chub on the chin and the arms.  I posted Operation Beautiful notes to encourage other pregnant women to embrace their pregnant bodies and be proud of them.  In truth, I posted them first and foremost for myself.  I wanted to apply the “fake it til you make it” mentality to my feelings toward my changing body that was gaining weight because it scared the heck out of me.  I hoped that in the process of convincing myself, I just might help others do the same which is a win-win.

I knew it was “possible” to only gain X amount of weight during pregnancy, I knew I had trained my brain and educated myself to “know how” in theory, but I think the fear of returning to the place that forced me to need to lose my weight in the first place and knowing all of the work and time that went into doing it, especially during a very traumatic time in my life recovering from a serious car accident, all the ups and downs in the process, almost caused me to – ironically enough – kind of let go of the very thing that I needed to get me through this pregnancy no worse for wear on the scale – my attitude and mindset.

After much thought and soul searching, I’ve decided to give myself a bit of a break about this because while part of it is rooted in the emotional side of previous experiences, I feel like my mindset is a bit out of my control.  Since becoming pregnant (even before I knew I was), I was introduced to an entirely new voice in my head.  Hormones raged and caused me to have many more “down days” than I was ever used to experiencing before.  This wasn’t “me,” I didn’t feel like myself and there was no “reason,” no event or circumstance in my life to lead me to feel sad or unhappy.  It’s just how I felt/feel – period.  It’s not logical.  It was/is hormones.  In fact, I am nothing but grateful and proud of everything I have in my life.  I’m grateful for being pregnant, that on its own.  And not in the way that everyone “says” they are either – like 100% genuinely grateful for my life.  I have earned every single little thing I have or have accomplished in my life and I make no apologies for anything I have to be thankful for. I’m not “lucky,” no one handed me anything – ever.  I don’t take them for granted, not even for a minute because there are other things in my life that are a constant reminder of that.  That is a good thing.

If one more person tries to be “helpful” by telling me it’s silly to feel the way I do, I should be thankful for x,y,z, my hormones might just grow their own appendages and pop them one right in the nose.  I find it offensive when my feelings are dismissed when my thoughts are still clearly in perspective.  Hormones might be driving the train causing me to feel worse about some things, but it doesn’t take the validity out of feeling anxious about pregnancy weight gain, child birth, breastfeeding or what have you.  My baby is healthy, I am healthy, I am endlessly grateful for that, let’s just get that fact straight from the start.  We can all agree, that’s really the most important thing.  Just because I experience “down days” does not mean I don’t also experience the “up days” during this process.  Over the last few weeks in this third trimester, it just seems more down.  You feel how you feel and when there’s no logic behind it, there’s no logic to make it go away.  It will pass and I just have to wait it out.

These feelings are sneaky and can be evil.  At least lately they seem to be.  Pictures have a way of being unflattering and there is something in the mind of many of us that can’t help but pick out the flaws.  For the most part I had gotten over that, or at least I thought.  In fact, I pride myself on having a healthy self esteem!  Now that I’m gaining way too many pounds while pregnant, I find myself becoming insecure about my body which I thought I had conquered.  Maybe I didn’t conquer it at all.  Maybe it was just because I had lost all of that weight that made me feel better in my own skin OR maybe it’s the hormones?!  Problem is, I can’t tell the difference most times and I won’t be able to tell until it’s run its course.

Ya see, the thing that is happening here is that I knew this was going to happen and my attempts at nipping it in the bud and taking it on with a “Pregnant and Beautiful” mindset only went so far.  But it was all relative.  I remember taking my belly photos as I went along and when they were uploaded to my computer, I was SHOCKED at how different my body looked and was a little bit embarrassed even, posted them anyways, even made peace with it because I knew I had to, for my own sanity.  That was all real and how I felt.  And of course as weeks went by and I continued to change, I was able to look back on the earlier pictures of my changing body and think that it really wasn’t as “bad” as I thought it was at the time at all! Which makes it hard for me to distinguish, what part is hormones and what part isn’t.

I never thought I would say that I “miss” those days when I was 170 lbs trying hard to be 165 and struggling. But I do.  I remember being so unbelievably proud of my accomplishment, what I had done for my body and my family, quite possibly making it even possible to become pregnant even if I was unaware of that fact at the time, but I still wasn’t “satisfied” and wanted to keep pushing to get into my “healthy” weight range.

Right now I would give anything if my body would “bounce back” to 170 lbs after the baby is born.  I would take it and embrace it in a SECOND if I thought it was at all likely.  But I’m being realistic and I’m going to have at ‘er once again to lose a good 30ish (more like 40) lbs when all is said and done to get back there again – only this time there will be a new twist – mentally I won’t have all day and all night to myself to pour into it for me.  I will have a new priority in my life that already means the world to me.  Yes I know that I am also a priority, should be or need to be and I will be, but any moms out there are nodding at what I’m saying right now when I say that I know it won’t be as “easy” as it was before when time is not going to be my luxury. Fact. 

When it comes down to it, I think that is truly what’s eating me at the end of the day.  I am afraid that I won’t have the same success at losing this weight as I did before simply because I am entering new uncharted territory into motherhood.  It’s like a new season of Angie All The Way with a new twist and balancing that on top of what I already know to be a very long and difficult road to losing weight is intimidating.

I will do it though, dammit.  You can be guaranteed.  Few things are for sure in this life, but I will be betting the farm on me.

Thanks for listening 😉