Thank god for mean challenges and Jesse B.’s rude, boorish date behavior. Because without those two things Monday night’s episode of Bachelor Pad would have been duller than Elizabeth’s straw-like hair. What? Just because everyone told Elizabeth that she’s shallow and has boobs like Tara Reid doesn’t mean I have to go easy on her.

The challenge on Bachelor Pad this week was fun, but frankly I think they missed out on some great opportunities to cause even more emotional damage. What about “Who has the most STDs?” and “Who’s ugliest?”? Those are good questions! The questions in the challenge started out slow – everyone voted for Kiptyn as most likely to win and Krisily as their biggest enemy – but started to improve with “Who’s most shallow” and “Who’s the dumbest in the house”. Elizabeth was voted most shallow, but apparently also should have been voted dumbest since she reacted to the title by saying “I don’t even really know what shallow means.” Selecting the dumbest person in the Bachelor Pad house is like trying to pinpoint the whitest egg in a carton, though. I would have voted Elizabeth. Or Jesse B. Or Tenley. Or Natalie. Or Kovacs. Or…well, you get my point. Natalie, along with most people, voted for herself – and did so with a huge smile on her face. That should have displayed that Natalie was the correct answer, but she wasn’t – Gwen was. I didn’t see that one coming at all. Tenley correctly guessed Gwen to win the challenge and, surprise surprise, felt bad about it. The girl even cried when she was filling out the survey the night before!

The men continued on with the challenge and discovered that everyone has a crush on Dave. Or everyone thinks that everyone has a crush on Dave. Or something. Then came the good stuff. “Who will always be a bridesmaid, never a bride?” was a fantastic question. Natalie won, because she’s a party girl. Also known as “The girl you take home, but never to mom”. To rub salt in Natalie’s wounds, even her secret boyfriend Dave voted for her. I wonder if they’ll secretly break up! It would be…no different at all, actually. Finally, the kicker – the final question for the dudes was “Who has the worst boob job?”. Kovacs knew the answer was Elizabeth. It actually looked like Elizabeth knew the answer was Elizabeth. Yet Kovacs decided not to betray the Queen Bitch and voted Krisily instead.

Jesse B. won the competition and the ladies scattered across the house to sob. Natalie hid in the shower to sob over being labeled a slut that no one wants to marry. She has no one to blame but herself, though. The girl admits she’s “made the rounds” with everyone from The Bachelor(ette), she proclaimed she’d make out with everyone in the house for $2o, and she dresses like a 16-year-old girl. She’s not exactly sending out the “I want to settle down” signal. Elizabeth curled up in a closet and sobbed over…actually, it was difficult to tell if she was crying over the shallow comment or the boob comment. My guess it that she was crying over being called shallow because she already knew she had an awful boob job. Kovacs comforted Elizabeth by telling her that everyone was jealous of her (no, that’s only a reasonable argument if they’d voted her “best boob job”) and that he really, truly cared about her. Natalie was comforted by Gwen. I didn’t think it was possible to be a worse boyfriend than Kovacs, but Dave voting for Natalie and then failing to apologize for it kind of takes the cake.

Tenley, of course, chose Kiptyn for her one-on-one date. She was excited, she said, because “It’s kind of been like we’re avoiding each other.” Um, what? If that was Tenley “avoiding” Kiptyn, I’d hate to see her trying to get his attention. I have a feeling it would involve handcuffing herself to him. Kiptyn and Tenley were whisked off in a helicopter for their date, and Kiptyn said he’d never been in one before.

He’s never been on a helicopter. And he’s been on The Bachelorette. How did this happen?

Tenley and Kiptyn spent the day zip-lining on the island of Catalina and then shared a romantic dinner. She told him that she’s a dork. He told her that he was only avoiding her in the house because everyone was watching, but he’s actually really into her. Tenley interpreted that as sweet and touching, but it sounded more like “I like you, but not publicly. So let’s hit up this fantasy suite tonight and then forget it ever happened.” Before entering the fantasy suite, Tenley said “I haven’t been with a man since Jake broke my heart, so I’m ready to open up my heart again.” How long before she decides to dance the dance that’s in her heart? Do you think that’s what they did in the fantasy suite?

The next day, Kiptyn told Tenley to cool it before they re-entered the Bachelor Pad. How sweet. He told Tenley to put on her game face – has he not realized that she can only do Bambi eyes? It’s her only look.

Jesse selected Peyton as his date, probably because he assumed she was a lock for the fantasy suite. They were whisked off in a tiny airplane and then ate dinner in the airplane hanger. But if you thought that the location would be the least romantic part of the evening, you were wrong. Jesse made sure that he turned the evening from being a kinda lame date into the date from hell.

Where to begin? Jesse gave Peyton the rose right away, and then drank his first ever vodka martini. What. A. Mistake. First he burped in Peyton’s face. So, so classy. He didn’t even seem that ashamed. She was horrified. Then he told her “your eyes are awesome” but continued to tell her that that was the only reason she was on the date. Real nice. Then, just to make sure Peyton’s eyes maintained the look of horror that he apparently found so attractive, Jesse giggled and stuck his finger up her nose. At this point, I remembered how Jesse had said he and Peyton were both from the South and shared some values. I can only imagine the look of horror on his mother’s face as she watched this episode. To cap off the evening, Jesse poured some vodka into his champagne and bickered with Peyton.

Peyton, to her credit, handled the whole ordeal very well. “Jesse’s treating me like a little sister, she said. “I don’t think it’ll be a romantic evening, and it’s disappointing.” No kidding? She politely declined his offer to take advantage of the fantasy suite.

Thank god for Peyton and Jesse’s disaster of a date, because the eliminations were really boring this week. The “insider” girls were voting for Wes and the “outsider” girls were voting for Kovacs. However, Krisily told her crush Dave that she’d switch her vote to Wes if he promised to keep her safe. So while Jesse B. and Wes planned on voting for Elizabeth, Kovacs and Dave plotted to eliminate Gwen. Kiptyn was the swing vote, though, and he wouldn’t budge. Kovacs and Dave had to do what Kiptyn wanted to prevent a tie (and therefore Jesse B. would choose to send Elizabeth home), so they had to vote for Krisily as she was the only girl Kiptyn said he could vote for with a clear conscience.

So Wes and Krisily went home, but not quietly. “I wish very good luck to anyone who is not Kovacs, Kiptyn, Elizabeth and Tenley,” she fumed. Krisily was right when she said that no one had the guts to break up the couples, but it was hypocritical of her to point that out. She was, after all, the one who decided to side with “the cool kids” and vote out Wes.

Will one of the couples win the money on Bachelor Pad? Do you care who wins or are you, like me, more interested in the drama that will go down at the after show?