Finally, the episode we’ve all been waiting for. Having spoiled the results for myself (it’s hard to resist temptation when you care so little for the show), I was only holding on so I could see all the drama play out in the end. So I figured that Michael wouldn’t be getting quite so many cheers by the end of the show as he did when they introduced him. Let’s just get this out of the way right now – poor Rachel! The poor girl walked away without the guy she fell for and without the money. It couldn’t have gone worse. OK, let’s talk about this nonsense. What was the status of the couples in the house? The Couples Kalon & Lindzi I was surprised to hear that Lindzi and Kalon were still together, despite the long distance. What does she mean that Kalon was overlooked on Emily’s season? I’d say he was pretty front and center, and it wasn’t flattering. And of course, Erica Rose had to weigh in with her two cents and warn Lindzi that he’s been around town with various girls. I believe her, but you know Erica was just dying to get on screen as much as possible. Michael & Rachel When Michael took the hot seat, Erica had her bitchface ready. We recapped how last time on Bachelor Pad, Michael won the money but lost the girl. We recapped his relationship with sweet, lovable Rachel. And then we recapped how Michael told Erica that his relationship with Rachel wouldn’t go past the house. What? When did that happen? How did I miss that? Maybe if this show hadn’t been two hours every week, I might have been able to catch “important” (relatively) information like that. Michael was obviously in image rehab mode before they even got to the Rachel stuff, saying that he obviously hadn’t gone on Bachelor Pad to find a wife. Puh-lease. We needed to hear from Rachel, but that wouldn’t come until later. Ed & Jacklyn Oh, Jacklyn. There are so many unfortunate things about her, including that unflattering pink dress she wore, but her relationship with Ed is the worst. But before that, we had to recap how betrayed she was because Rachel chose money over their friendship. Sigh. It’s a game! Tony & Blakely When Blakely took the hot seat, we spent a long time recapping her failed partnership with douchey Chris, and her blossoming relationship with doting Tony. I knew Tony loved Blakely when he actually appreciated her constant direction during that teacup stacking challenge. It’s obvious who wears the pants in this relationship, but I actually find them kind of sweet. Soon, the conversation turned to Jamie. I wanted to know why she was dressed like Cleopatra, but they only talked about her relationship with Chris and how Jacklyn hates her. When Chris brought the conversation back to Blakely and Tony, she started tearing up. God, I know this relationship doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell, but I kind of want them to work. When Chris said that they had an announcement to make, I was REALLY hoping they would just announce their engagement rather than doing a cheesy, cheap TV proposal. But of course not. This is Bachelor Pad, after all. It was so awkward. I wish she’d been in a classier dress. But I guess this is the only way to get the massive Neil Lane rock. Sigh. Well, I hope for his kid’s sake that it works out. Back to Michael & Rachel Rachel came out and looked gorgeous. Stunning, really. I thought she started out speaking very well, and describing how and why Michael misled her. She was falling in love, and he was dating someone else. In Chicago! It’s long distance, the thing he said he didn’t want. What an ass. Nick sat there and looked smug, and then began to make his case for the money – he was drama free! Chris & Sarah Since they were finalists, Chris and Sarah didn’t come out until halfway through the show. Chris said the whole Jamie and Blakely thing was tough for him, his family and friends, but I didn’t think he seemed genuine enough. He blamed the game, but it was just straight up womanizing. His manwhoreness had nothing to do with the strategy of the game. Debate Time Then it was time for the losers to interrogate the final two couples before voting. Nick was straight up in his answer to Jacklyn, that they had to eliminate her and Ed because they were too well-liked. Rachel was teary and apologetic, which I’ve always hated on Survivor. I don’t take Bachelor Pad seriously enough as a show to have an opinion on it here. Play, don’t play, the rules are so loose that it doesn’t really matter. Chris basically made a plea for people to vote for Sarah, not him. Does that mean he’s told her to take the money if they win? I guess we’ll never know. Voting time! Michael voted for Rachel and Nick. Jamie voted for Rachel and Nick. Kalon voted for Chris and Sarah. Ed voted for Rachel and Nick. Blakely voted for Rachel and Nick. Obviously. Dave voted for Chris and Sarah. Erica Rose voted for Chris and Sarah. Reid voted for Nick and Rachel. Lindzi voted for Nick and Rachel. Donna voted for Rachel and Nick. Tony voted for Rachel and Nick. Like he’d go against Blakely. Jacklyn voted for Rachel and Nick. Rachel and Nick won! I was glad it wasn’t Chris and Sarah. Chris is the worst, and Sarah did nothing to win the money. At least Rachel, like, made some friends or something. And Nick slept with less than three women. The remaining votes that we didn’t see were also for them, which means they won by a landslide. Of course, I knew in advance what would happen. Rachel said she trusted Nick, but she had no reason to. They weren’t dating, or even really friends. She spent their entire partnership sobbing over another guy and contemplating quitting the game, rather than actually playing. He didn’t owe her anything. Yet, what Nick did is still really, really crappy. It’s a game and he played it and won, but it’s a jerk move. For those of you who don’t watch, there was $250,000 up for grabs. Nick and Rachel had to individually choose if they would keep or share the money. If they both choose share, they each get $125,000. If one chooses keep and one chooses share, the person who chose keep gets it all. If they BOTH chose keep, the money would be divided up amongst the losers. Nick chose keep. Rachel chose share. Nick is the worst, but he’s a little bit richer. Rachel went first, and I can imagine that Nick was pretty nervous before she revealed she chose to share. It’s a risk, to pick keeping it. He could have ended up with nothing. His speech was kind of manic, like a kid who was ignored in high school and then threw paint on the prom queen. It was basically like, “None of you guys liked me or cared about me, so f— you!” When Nick said that he got to the end by himself and that Rachel never wanted to be his partner and tried to bail on him, you could see in Rachel’s eyes that she knew she’d lost the money. She should have chosen keep. The looks on everyone’s faces when he revealed he’d chosen to keep the money were priceless. I was really hoping Rachel would hit him. I would have. It was sort of mean, actually, the people who were over the moon. And Nick’s laughter and celebration was kind of in poor taste, but I guess after that kind of speech and move, why be polite? Schmarmy. That’s the only word to describe Nick. Schmarmy. Good for him for winning the money, but he’s a gross person and after taxes, hookers and drugs he’ll probably be worse off than before. So congratulations Rachel. I’m sorry you didn’t win the money, but you have a cool job and I think you dodged a bullet with the Michael Stagliano situation, go find someone who’s never been on TV. ...