Bachelor Pad: Put out, or get out!

The numbers of men and women were evened up on Monday night’s episode of Bachelor Pad, and it predictably did not work out in favor of the “un-coupled” women. Poor Gwen, Nikki and…other girl. They never “formed relationships” (read: never slutted it up) and it came back to bite them in their poor, untouched butts. As soon as it was revealed that the men would get to choose the final four women in the competition anyone who’d watched one episode of the show could have guessed what would happen.

Although the competition began with more women than men, the men have had the upper hand the entire time. Never more so in this final challenge of “Spin the Bottle” where the men essentially took turns choosing which woman would be easiest to get into bed be the most helpful in getting to the end. The women waited daintily by the sidelines in hopes that a man would come and rescue them and bring them to the finals. How quaint. Tenley and Nikki even held hands like a couple of Miss USA finalists.

Kiptyn chose Tenley, and I was insulted that the producers thought I would at all fall for the idea that maybe he would choose Nikki instead. Come on, guys! Not only has Tenley been throwing herself at Kiptyn since the moment he walked in the door (literally), they also showed us a preview of them making out in the hot tub. Although I guess if I’m watching Bachelor Pad, I can’t blame the show producers for incorrectly assuming I’m an idiot. Kovacs chose Elizabeth even though he said “She definitely has a screw loose, she’s unstable.” Kovacs said he went with the feeling in his gut, but we all knew it was a feeling in an area a little bit lower. Jesse chose Peyton, I guess because he still thinks he has a shot with her. Peyton panicked for a minute though, saying that by not going to the fantasy suite “I may have just screwed myself”…when instead she should have screwed him. And Dave chose Natalie, because she’d wisely chosen not to screw herself…or to screw…or…whatever. Before Dave made his choice he told the other women “You guys are awesome, classy…” You could almost hear them all finish the sentence in their heads with “But I’m going to go with Natalie, who’s neither.”

And with that, three women who’d barely gotten any screen time anyway got sent home, and Tenley and Elizabeth breathed a sigh of relief that they’d scored a few more days of forced cohabitation with their dudes. At least they know as well as we do that none of those relationships will be able to last in the real world. Tenley had even made up a cutesy “Brangelina” style name for her and Kiptyn – Kip-Ten. Notice is sounds EXACTLY the same as his name, only spelled with a ten. Which I can only assume represents either Tenley’s age or her IQ.

With those pesky single ladies now out of the way (probably drying their tears and rocking out to Beyonce in the limos) the “couples” were now free to act like couples. If that meant making out wherever they wanted, whenever they wanted, I don’t see ANY difference from before. They also started to prep for “couples” challenges, which they assumed would include a “How well do you know each other?” quiz. Everyone was worried that Elizabeth and Kovacs would be stiff competition because they’d been “together” so “long” (six whole months!). Turns out Kovacs does know stuff about Elizabeth, just stuff everyone else knows too. “You have naturally brown hair,” he listed. NO!?! How could he tell? Still, he knew more about Elizabeth than she knew about him. Apparently Elizabeth takes a pill every morning to help her remember stuff, but she couldn’t remember what it’s called. I’m not the only one who thought it would probably be a good idea to replace that vitamin with a mood stabilizer, am I?

The other thing everyone was worried about was which couple was the most athletic. Why do they think athleticism is a threat in this competition? The challenges so far have been Twister, a pie-eating contest, and a personality quiz. Yeah, that’s real athletic stuff. And the challenge was…a water balloon throwing competition! Yeah, real athletic.

Jesse and Peyton were eliminated first, and she felt pretty bad since
a) She’d dropped all three water balloons
b) She’d all but (accurately) compared Jesse to a gorilla and expected she’d have to carry him through every competition.

Jesse was surprisingly supportive about their loss. Next Tenley and Kiptyn were eliminated, and then Elizabeth and Kovacs. I was disappointed that Natalie and Dave won because I was hoping Dave would throw a water balloon at Chris Harrison when he lost. Dave and Natalie won a date “under the stars”. Some people guessed it meant they’d be camping. Tenley guessed it meant they’d be going in a rocket. Yes, a rocket.

It actually meant that they got to ride around in a sweet convertible and then take cheesy photos with it. I would have bet twenty bucks that Natalie was going to pose naked on the hood of the car, but she kept it classy clothed this time. Barely, though. Why does Natalie always dress like a sixteen-year-old girl? It’s all flouncy mini-dresses, like she’s auditioning for My Super Sweet Sixteen. Then they went and “camped” at a mansion where Jason and Molly had fallen in love. Or was it Jason and MELISSA! I love how ABC is so quick to forget that whole debacle. Natalie and Dave proceeded to have an actual conversation that blew my mind – they actual exchanged personal details! Natalie said she wanted to use the money to pay off her student debt (Natalie went to college??) and Dave talked about how hard his parents’ divorce had been on him as a kid. It was like “Rageoholic: The Origin Story”. Dave said he doesn’t talk to his dad anymore and once threw a chair through a wall or something. OK, that bit was not so surprising. Then they went back to normal and moved to the hot tub to exchange something other than intimate personal details.

While in the hot tub, Natalie and Dave also shared some strategy. Natalie wanted Elizabeth and Kovacs to leave next, but Dave had made a pact with Kovacs – and there you have it. The strongest relationship in the house? Kovacs and Dave’s.

Back at the house, Kovacs was having his own date with Elizabeth. They “broke into” the fantasy suite. As in, they walked right in since it wasn’t locked. And they were followed by a camera crew. In fact, it was most likely suggested by the camera crew. What continued was so bizarre, that I’m not even sure how it came about. They were lying in bed, Kovacs suggested they get naked, and Elizabeth said not if it was “railing”, but they could if they were going to “make love”. This confused Kovacs, probably because he only uses the word love in reference to Dave. Next thing you knew, they had “railed” and Elizabeth was spiraling into some sort of whiny self-hatred. Seriously, at this point the only word that can be used to describe Elizabeth is “pathetic”. How many times can one person declare their love for someone and get silence in return? MOVE ON!!! Have her parents seen this? Do her friends all think she’s crazy? It’s so embarrassing! Will seeing herself act like that be a wake-up call, or is she just too crazy to recognize her own insanity?

After her rant about wanting to be loved back, Elizabeth told Kovacs that “$250,000 is a lot of money, but I feel like I’m worth more than that.” Hmm. Well, the blonde hair probably costs about $1200 a year to keep up. A boob job runs at about $5,000 to $8,000…and her’s don’t look expensive. And those clothes couldn’t have cost much. I’d say Elizabeth needs to get herself down to Antiques Roadshow, because her appraisal is WAY off.

Kovacs explained the whole situation by saying he can’t help it “if a girl catches a bad case of The Kovacs”. Oh, I’m sure more than a few girls have caught a bad case of the Kovacs before. But the doctor had a different name for it.

When rose ceremony time came, the couples were shocked – shocked! – that they’d be voting as individuals rather than as a couple. The women were shocked because this meant they’d have to think for themselves, and the men were shocked because it meant the women would be able to think for themselves. Natalie and Tenley made a little pact to vote for Elizabeth/Kovacs, and Tenley tried to convince Kiptyn to do so as well. In the end, though, everyone voted for Peyton and Jesse. Why? Because that’s what the BOYS wanted. God, this show makes me sick. It’s like a bad pizza – I know it’s gross, I know it’s unhealthy, yet I keep going back to it.

Jesse was a sweetheart after the elimination and told Peyton he wouldn’t have traded her as a partner for anything. He didn’t even burp or pick her nose or anything. Then he made the most polite departing jab ever, telling the remaining “super six” that “some people here are fairly fake”.

The finale is next week, and one of the challenges is a Dancing With the Stars ballroom dance-off. Love the synergy? Why not just hand Tenley the money now? Or is this just an audition for her future stint on Dancing With the Stars? We know Kovacs and Elizabeth won’t win because they’ll be too busy fighting over whether Kovacs is hitting on Edyta – but Natalie and Dave could give them a run for their money in the competition. In fact, I think it’s looking good for either Natalie or Dave to win the whole show – not that I really care at this point.