You often hear the words trust and honesty when asked about the keys to a successful marriage. Jon and I have been married nine and half years of our almost 15 year relationship.
In addition to a strict honest policy, I credit our success to two other elements: We truly like each other and we never forget that we are a team. It sounds simple enough: tell the truth, enjoy each other, be a team player, and you will build a trusting relationship. But what does that look like in a real marriage?
Sometimes we have to tell each other the hard truth. In the decade and a half that we have been together, Jon has held a variety of jobs. He have also been fired from a variety of jobs. Jon has an amazing work ethic but his methods don’t always fit into a conventional office environment. He prefers to innovate and think outside the box and unfortunately some employers don’t see this as an asset. We joke about it now but his inconsistent employment is one of the hardest obstacles we have had to overcome as a couple.
In 2010, we were new parents, I had a research position at a University, I was also working on my PhD and once again Jon was underemployed. I was exhausted and resentful that I was busting my ass and he couldn’t get his act together. For some couples, this type of stress would have led to their breaking point. Not us. This is where the liking each other part is essential. Loving each other is the easy part. Liking one another after a decade is a true testament. I truly enjoy this man’s company. He is smart, funny, and kind. Our ideologies align on most of the important topics. When they don’t, we are perceptive enough to know when to not push back. All that being said, we were now responsible for another person and we had an obligation to provide for her. Not just materialistically but emotionally. We needed to get our act together.
I came home from work one night later than usual. The baby was already asleep. I missed dinner and bedtime. I snuck into her room and hovered over the crib just taking in that sweet baby smell while admiring her perfect features. I took one more deep breath of baby goodness and left her room. Jon was making me a plate of food, I walked up to him and embraced him from behind. We were quiet for a moment. I finally sighed “Things need to change.”
We spent the remainder of the evening hashing out all the thoughts that had been playing out in our heads. Neither of us were happy with the situation, him especially. Out of necessity, he was just grasping at any and every paying job while also being the main childcare for our daughter. I was resentful because I felt like I missed all the everyday milestones. I planned activities for them but was rarely able to partake because of work and school. We did not hold back. We were not nice. We just said it. All of it. We were honest.
Our solution, Jon needed time off. Wait! What? That makes no sense. Hear me out, this is where the trust comes in. Jon was in this endless loop of jobs to make money but had no real plan for a career. He never took the time to think about his career options because he was so focused on providing an income, any income. He lost track of the big picture. He needed to regroup. He could not do that while running himself from odd job to odd job between taking care of the baby. He had to use that time to reinvent himself. I, on the other hand, needed to stop micromanaging the childcare. Although, he “appreciated” my detailed list of suggested activities, we both agreed it only led to more guilt and resentment for me.
Over the next four years, we experience lots of change in our household. Jon found his path and has built a very successful real estate business. I traded my research and classroom for a very different social science experiment, being a stay at home Mom. And the best new thing, we added another daughter to our family.
What hasn’t changed? We still have conversations like the one described above on a regular basis. Not because we have so many problems but because that is how we avoid having problems. We are honest and bold in our critique of one another. Not for the sake of being mean but because we believe in “Us” and our team. We trust that sometimes we have to lead with blind faith. We have to say yes to what seems like an illogical solution even if it’s to prove nothing other than we believe in our spouse. To be successful in marriage, you have to believe in the “us” and care a little less about the you. So, my unsolicited piece of relationship advice, always work together and not against each other because it’s easier to create a beautiful life when each partner’s main objective is to support the other partner.
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