After a particularly rough day last week, I decided to take our three-year-old out and do something special with him. We grabbed a smoothie and as a treat, I took him to the toy store to pick something special out.
He chose a little airport set with a small plane, helicopter and baggage vehicles.
We brought it home and spent some time putting it together. He was so excited. He kept asking when his sisters would be getting home from school so he could show it to them. He set it all up in a particular way and sat right next to it as he eagerly anticipated them walking through the door.
When they did eventually walk through the door, he ran to them to show them his new toy. What should have been a wonderful and exciting moment for him, ended unexpectedly when instead of running to see it, both girls actually got upset that he “got something” and they didn’t.
My heart sunk for two reasons. One was the look of disappointment on his face that nobody was excited and wanting to play with him. The second was their reaction. In that moment I felt like somewhere along the line something had gone completely wrong. Had we made things so equal for so long that the expectation was that nobody gets anything unless everybody does? How could two girls walk in from school in great moods, see that their brother has a new toy and get so upset? Ours son’s disappointment was only outmatched by my own.
I attempted to talk to the girls about how they’re all going to have to get used to celebrating each other’s successes and having different levels of attention given to each of them at different times. I explained that in the end it’ll all work out that everyone gets equal time but that in times like that day, where I felt like I wanted to do something special for their brother, I am allowed to do just that. There were a lot of discussions over the next 24 hours –talks about supporting each other and being happy for each other. It was hard for me to believe that so much had come out of one horrible morning at an allergy food challenge and the subsequent purchase of an airport toy.
A few days later, I decided to go to Toronto for the following weekend to visit my Grandmother (for her 91st birthday). My husband and I chatted and because there were enough aeroplan points, thought it might be a nice opportunity for me to take our oldest daughter and give her some undivided one-on-one attention for the weekend. Clearly, after everything the week before, we weren’t sure how this was going to go over with the other kids. It was uncharted territory and we were talking more than a toy – this was an actual plane ride and weekend away.
Maybe it was because of the chats the week before or maybe it was the positioning that the others would get their turn at some point too, but the conversation went much more smoothly than I imagined. I’m feeling proud of this conscious change and new precedent we’re setting in the Miller house. There’s no doubt that managing the fairness/equality issue among siblings is going to be a bumpy road go forward but heck, life is a bumpy road. They might as well learn now.
Deanna is a Mom of three, wife, marketer and blogger – lover of travel, morning coffee, family time, belly laughs, good friends and uninterrupted showers! Follow her on twitter @DeannaCMiller
