Buying Pants Sucks Balls

Anthony: Well, I think the title speaks for itself. I don’t care which way you look at it, buying pants is a special kind of hell we all have to endure. First, it’s the browsing, the trying on, the disappointment, and then the inevitable shrinking when you have to wash them. Frankly, if I could wear cut-offs every day, I’d be down faster than the ratings for “The Playboy Club”. For these reasons, and several others, once I find a pair of pants, or a brand, that hugs my ass like I clutch a wine glass, I stick with them. Forever.

This was the first image that popped up when I searched “forever”. The Google rules of engagement must be honoured.

Take for instance my love affair with Levis’. They’re sensible, well made, lately they carry a lot of hipster cache, and their branding is drool inducing. I know what size I need so all I have to do is waltz in, find a colour that I like, and leave. Perfection. Do you know how long it took me to find said perfection? About 25 years. OK, so it’s more like 10 years since my mother bought my pants up until I was 15, but it feels like my whole life.

They’re just so beautiful… ow – my denim ovaries!

In between that time, I tried several brands and fits to get that perfect pair. Actually, I once had a pair of American Eagle jeans that fit like a DREAM – but I wore them to pieces and eventually made them into shorts; that’s probably what started my love affair with cut-offs – psychology! Pants and shopping are on my mind lately because I have this event to attend and, not that it’s black tie, but I’m thinking I should not wear denim. Which sucks. So, while I was researching online, and having a mild stroke trying figure out what I’m going to wear, I remembered a handy little infographic about pants and how they LIE.

It’s all shameful, disgraceful lies. Old Navy needs to raise the truth, son.

You see that? My 25 years of experimentation is totally founded by this chart. Seriously Gap, this is why I only use you for shirts. Why can’t everything just be universal? I mean, who are you protecting by saying your pants are smaller than they actually are? This is not you telling a friend that you approve of their new haircut when on the inside you’re screaming, “SO GLAD YOU GOT ON THIS YEAR OLD TREND NOW, YOU WILY MINX”-this is everyday fashion. You can’t mess this shit up for people. It reminds me of this one time when I worked retail and I was helping a girl find some jeans. She was all, “I dunno what I need” and I said, “Well you’re what? Probably a size 4?”, and she looked like she was going to cry. I quickly followed up with something adorable but she stopped me and said, “You think I’m a 4? No, I’m an 8”. Y’all, this girl was about as big as my arm, but at our store she took a larger size.

That being said, when it comes to pants and jeans, I have but a few rules that I’m willing to share, as long as you’ll take them to heart. Or just smile and nod, your choice.

1. When you find a pair that makes your ass look like a piece of well designed furniture – buy two.
2. If you’re looking for denim, keep it plain and dark. No rips. No bleaching. No rhinestone back pockets. Unless they say something like, “Classy” or “Angel” or “Open For Business”.
3. Sit down with your shoes before you buy. Seriously, no one wants flood pants when you’re trying to sit and realx.
4. Belts are merely a suggestion. Besides, you’ll look all 90s supermodel scandalous when you bend over/raise your arms. (note: this is probably suited for any of y’all who, like me, are in the business of trying to pick up dudes)
5. Wear a shirt that you can tuck in when you’re shopping. Why? So you’ll see how they support the tuck. Remember Jerry’s billowing shirts? Shudder. And besides, everyone is going to have to tuck in their shirt at least once.

I never understood why Jerry couldn’t find a shirt that fit properly… and how George was the most stylish of the bunch.

Hopefully, I’ll be able to find some big boy pants this week. I was thinking something from (of course) Levis’ but I’m also open to suggestions! Except Zara – I have two pairs of pants from there that make my ass look fantastic… and my calves like sausages in some unholy cotton casing. And good luck to any of you needing pants in the interim – my tumbler of whiskey and I salute you. My next grown up challenge – shoes that aren’t Native or Vans. I’m going to need more alcohol.