E-Sharing

Disclaimer: I’ve decided to write about loss because of a comment I received when everything first happened.  “I’m sorry people don’t really talk about this stuff, because I think that makes it ever harder”.  I completely agree, and so I want to be part of the solution.  Blogging is about reaching out and sharing experiences.  It is about community.  I want to write about my miscarriage because I want others to be part of my healing process and I want to help others through theirs.  I want people to know that it is not uncommon, despite the silence surrounding it.

That being said, this isn’t just my story.  I don’t know if it is fair for me to unilaterally share our pain.  I want conversation to be had here, on my blog, but I’m not sure if I am willing to have this conversation elsewhere yet.  Please refrain from mentioning this experience elsewhere, including publicly on Facebook.  I am writing to share an experience, not to change the dynamics of personal relationships in my life.

That being said, I am very open to talking and sharing experiences with others who have similar stories.  Please feel free to contact me any time to talk.

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Recently, I’ve started reading blogs again.  I stopped a few months ago when my unread feed count was getting too high and I just couldn’t keep up.  I had stopped blogging so that I could read blogs and I really wanted to get back to reading actual literature instead.  So, I put my blog reading on hold until I felt ready to go back.

Now that I am catching up on the e-lives of other mothers around the interweb, I am finding that many women who had babies within a year of Cameron’s birth are suddenly pregnant again.  Some are posting weekly pictures of their growing bellies.  Others are simply talking about the differences between their two pregnancies.  Still others are writing about birth plans.

I am finding it really tough.

Especially right now.

You see, if nothing had happened (and if I had managed to keep my mouth shut for this long), I would probably be announcing my pregnancy just about now.  I would be nearing the end of my first trimester and I would be lapping up all the pregnancy glory I could.

But I’m not.

Currently, I’ve resigned myself to think about everything happening as a distant fact.  It happened to me. I had the one pregnancy out of five that statistically does not survive.  But I am not approaching it emotionally anymore.  I am even been able to talk about it without feeling the pain.

Back when everything happened however, I went on thebump.com, a community of women and mothers that I lurked on while I was pregnant with Cameron.  I was seeking solace from other people who had gone through a similar thing.  I was looking for an anonymous voice.  All I wanted to do was to talk about it and yet, the last thing I wanted to do was to talk about it.

On this message board, the topic of public pregnancies was being discussed.  Many women who had gone through pregnancy losses felt that it was incredible inconsiderate for people to be sharing their pregnancies with the online world.  In their opinions, it was heartless to share pregnancy updates on Facebook statuses, to post weekly pictures of growing bellies on blogs and to have a pregnancy ticker on message board signatures.

Despite my pain, I was taken aback.  I blogged while pregnant.  I shared the ups and downs of pregnancy over Facebook and Twitter.  Had I been insensitive?  Had I been inconsiderate?  What was my stance on this now that I had experienced loss myself?

The pain does comes back sharply as I read those blogs.  Every mother preparing for her second baby is a reminder of my second baby.  Every beautiful photo of a full belly reminds me just how empty mine is.  I actually refuse to visit a particular blog that posts weekly belly pictures and who is only a few weeks further along than I would have been.

Does this mean that I feel like these women are being inconsiderate?  Should my Facebook friends feel bad about mentioning their pregnancies online?

Absolutely positively not.

Every single positive and excited comment that I have shared with my pregnant friends over Facebook has been legitimate.  I am honestly thrilled for them.  I look forward to seeing updates so I can share in their joy.  I will continue to read the blogs of those pregnant women because I love feeling a connection to other Moms.

And if I were pregnant, you can be darned sure that I would be spewing my pregnancy goodness all over the webernet.

But the pain is still real.  Words and stories online can sometimes be a brutal reminder of what I have lost.

What is your opinion on e-sharing pregnancies?

A reminder of what I have gained:  Baby #1
Photo taken today
11 months, 1 week, 5 days old
Laura (@LauraORourke) is a photographer who lives in Halifax, Nova Scotia. A wife to Dan and a mother to Cameron, she spends her free time blogging and reading. Her blog finds its home at http://miraclesofamily.blogspot.com. Her photography can be found at http://www.olalaphotography.com.

A DAMN FINE CAUSE

Driver charged with “Stunting” under the Motor Vehicle Act