L-A: Ally’s on vacation! So it’s all me for the favourites this week! Let’s jump on in:

1. 50 Shades of Ridonk

I headed out to the suburbs the other day to pick up my raincoat from Ally and look what I found!

 

Now I’ve read a wee bit through a less than legal download, but never made it far because reading a PDF on a computer or phone is for the birds. It turns out the entire series is for the birds. Why? Well, in case you are one of the five other women alive who haven’t read this trilogy of writing worse than Twilight, let me enlighten you (and I’m not even going to touch the obvious “girl with self esteem issues falls for giant dickhole with his own issues that manifest themselves into controlling and abusive relationships”).

a. I flipped to the middle of the book and came across the following (page 184 of 514): 

Christian Gray just sent me a winking smiley face…Oh my. I fire up Google.

I kid you not. That was my EXACT reaction. Look friends, I read YA and I can tell you that the teenagers in books written for teenagers need more than an effing winky emoticon to get turned on. And even the most innocent virgin in her 20s has picked up a copy of Cosmo before. Or snuck a peek at a Harlequin. Or read bits of their older cousin’s copy of Flowers in the Attic. If an emoticon gets you off, then Cosmo is downright pornographic.

b. His research skills are the worst

Miss Steele,

Always start with Wikipedia.

I know this is a smutty book and I shouldn’t expect too much, but bitch please. You run a multi-million dollar company, you must know there are better places to look up the word “Submissive.” Fuck, get a library card. Use Google. Phone a friend.  Anything other than “always start with Wikipedia”. Librarians, academics and researchers of the world: DEFEND YOUR PROFESSIONS! THERE MUST BE BETTER FREE RESEARCH TOOLS!

 c. I’m not sure that all of this is possible or warrants three books. 

Is this actually a story that can be spread out over three books? I’ve yet to find a story in book one so I’m not sure.

d. The logistics are questionable.

There is a bathtub scene early in book one that makes me question the logistics of it all. Unless I missed the part where the author wrote “we only put a bit of water in the tub. Not much at all. And then I bit my lip coyly at the idea of a not really full tub” otherwise, I’m not sure he can comfortably wear pants if the water levels in the tub can’t even contain him.

The picture floating around facebook is correct. There is better smut out there. Get a Harlequin. Or better yet, google “smutty books for ladies” and you will find some (if you can’t be bothered, just go here for alternatives. I googled for you).

2. All of the Wine

I decided to justify my wine drinking with a new blog. Meet All of the Wine:

 

I won’t promise much. It’s where I (and friends) half assedly review the wine I drink. First lesson: read labels closer.

3. Fantasy Pretend Boyfriend League!

Holy toledo, y’all! I didn’t think you’d enjoy it nearly as much as you have. So, yay!

I decided to shake it up a little this week. Here’s what’s the what:

– You all got points based on me randomly choosing Monday to base points on. (Mostly because I don’t have the time to look up news stories on all boyfriends)

– Points were judged on the following: .5 for being handsome and existing. 1 for being in the news. 2 for being interesting in the news or having an amusing tumblr.

– THERE IS NO BONUS BOYFRIEND! Yes, all the bonus men have been taken away and are up for grabs. But there’s a catch…

– Y’all have to take turns. There is a “week two” tab in the spreadsheet and that’s the order you can choose in. If you take a new boyfriend, add the one you’re dropping to the list of “up for grabs”.

– If you’d like to trade, you can ask someone else. If they agree, they forfeit their turn because they’re taking on a new pretend boyfriend.

I will think up new rules and do a better job scoring next week.

4. Your hipster jam of the week.

Loving this song. I am totally going to see Deer Tick live at HPX.

5. Your crappy pop video of the week

What fresh hell is this?

No, seriously. What? I can’t remember how I found it, but I wish I hadn’t. I’d rather listen to a Yelawolf on repeat.

6. Unplanned, new favourite that is all the pop culture reference awesomeness

After writing all of the above I discovered a band I enjoy has a newish album and one of the songs is called “Clarissa Explains it All”.