AllyG: Sigh. I need new eyeglasses. Real bad. Now that I am THIRTY ONE, my eyes are going all downhill-like. I was reminded about my need for new shades when I came across Style Blog’s article about l.a. eyeworks turning 30. I know how ya feel eyeworks…old. Their ads have always been so cute, non?

I’m trying to find an alternative eyewear shop in Halifax. I seem to remember there being one on Quinpool Rd…L-A, do you know what I’m talking about?  [L-A edit: I do! It’s Gaudet Optical!] Anyway, I don’t really want to go the Vogue Optical Route despite the “your second pair is free!!!!” jingle. Typically, you get your second pair free because your first pair is crap (personal experience, Vogue Optical, personal experience).

My current pair have too much “Palin” in ‘em.

You know what I mean? I wore my hair up in a twist one day and I swear I was one “you betcha” away from starting to shop at a consignment shop in Anchorage, Alaska.

I sort of heart this look here from Chanel:

They aren’t too “quirky” (glasses that are too quirky totally annoy me. Like, Katherine Heigl level annoying).

Even her glasses annoy me. Remember this?

“Thanks for getting my name right! Tee hee” SHUT UP RIGHT NOW SHUT UP

Next.

I adore the above frames from Armani. They are different, but not too different. You see what I’m saying?

I usually love all things Dior, but if Gisele doesn’t even look good in these glasses, what chance do I have?

L-A, do you have any advice for me?

Also, I like to think that we’re like this:

Except who is Blair and who is Serena? We should fight over it.

L-A: Funny you should mention needing glasses because I have been bemoaning the fact that I did not take my mom up on the chance to get new frames while visiting California and because my frames made a scary cracking noise when I went to put them on tonight. I really hate my glasses. They were a bad BOGO choice. Which is why you will never see me in my glasses. I will actually go half-blind around the grocery store rather than be seen in these things.

But back to you needing glasses (I need a new pair, but am not buying a pair at the moment). Let’s start with what not to wear:

Ironic overpriced vintage eyewear. I’ve seen this happening around town and I just want to let you know that wearing the glasses I owned in grade six is not a fashion statement I approve of. Because you know who wears those glasses?

Yes. Janet Reno. And you should not be trying to channel Janet Reno with your eyewear. If you do, you deserve to be the Dorothy Parkered cliché of the girl who seldom gets passes because she wears glasses (what? You didnt’ think a post could be written about wearing glasses without even a little reference to Dot’s poem, did you?)

Next up: quirky. This is a fine line. I was in a store with quirky eyewear not too long ago and while I like the idea in theory, you can end up looking like this:

That’s right. Janet Reno in drag Dame Edna. And unless purple hair and loads of sequins is part of your look, then you want to be careful with your quirky eyeglasses (although, I am loving Dame Edna’s cocktail rings).  Maybe you’d get lucky and look like CNTM winner Meaghan Waller with her chunky quirky Levy family approved glasses, but that is risky and may only work for top models:

(sorry for the poor photo quality. I had to take a screenshot from a youtube video because I couldn’t find a picture of this girl in her glasses anywhere!). But like I said, risky stuff. Because even Supermodel with a Capital S Christy Turlington has trouble pulling off chunky frames:

Some quirky I’ve seen done right has been on the character of Penelope Garcia of Criminal Minds (I can’t believe I’ve mentioned that show two days in a row…I like the show, but not in the way I love Gossip Girl. nor does it seem like it would ever apply to a fashion blog). This character gets a new pair of glasses for just about every episode, including a pair of killer red Chanel glasses that I wish I could wear, but know would look silly on me:

Whoever styles this girl really knows how to pick out a pair of glasses.

Overlook the often overly quirky hair and outfits, and you’ve got some great specs. But the trouble with specs is that no matter how cute they look on one person, they can look stupid on another. Even on models. Check out this poor kid from Cosmo Girl:

What? Seriously, Cosmo Girl? You’re trying to sell these? Stylist fail.

I really like the square glasses look that is all the rage, but I look like a raging idiot whenever I’ve tried any on. Which means none of these lovely D&G glasses for me:

(again, apologies for the bad photo quaity of Maryam from CNTM)

Glasses I do love are Lauren Conrads:

Great geek chic. They kind of look like a pair of Michael Kors glasses that I came across on a cute fashion blog as I frantically googled for pics of eyewear that I like:

Another girl who, regardles of what you think of her music and despite all the Nana Mouskouri refrences,  knows how to wear a pair of geek chic glasses well is Lisa Loeb:

Wasn’t she adorable in Gossip Girl when she pretended to give a shit about Rufus’ fake 90s grunge band?

And now that I’ve somehow brought the post back to Gossip Girl (how do I do this?? I’d say it’s because I’m in GG withdrawl, but really, I’m sure this affliction will only get worse when the new season begins), I have two things to say:

1. I will fight you for Blair. Or flip a coin if it means I get Blake Lively’s hair/legs.

2. The only advice anyone should give on glasses is to say screw whatever the trend is and go try on a million pairs (with a Very Honest Friend) until you find the pair that makes you look hott. Otherwise you will lament looking like Sarah Palin or walk around the streets of Halifax squinting.

And now I leave you with some Classic Material Girl, looking awesome in glasses that would suit very few people, but of course she looks fierce like only Madonna can. If you, ordinary non-Madonna person, can pull this off, then I salute you.