L-A: Awards Show Season! Whooo! It’s time for the dress porn and the red carpet cringefests. The upside to the Golden Globes is that for every belittling and insulting moment an actress had to endure on the red carpet (“tell us about your nails, jewellery, dress, are you single, how do you stay so pretty” vs “tell us about the craft of acting good sir”), we got the amazingness of Tina Fey and Amy Poehler who made jokes about the age of George Clooney’s girlfriends, Leo and supermodels, and how a dude losing 45 pounds for a movie isn’t really that amazing.

Having said that, we still tune in for the dresses.

Loved it!

Amy Adams: I applaud you for continuing to work with the double sided tape. You worked that look hard in American Hustle and you’re working it now. The dress isn’t anything amazing, but it’s simple and I like it. The necklace wasn’t really necessary. Your plunging cleave was able to do this dress all on its own.

Cate Blanchett: Your dress was a bit of a head tilt at first. I couldn’t figure out if I liked it at first because it’s such a complicated dress. The more I looked at it, the more I loved it. Although if I were her, I’d be afraid I’d break it somehow – tearing it with diamonds on my bracelet or some jazz. It would happen.

Elisabeth Moss: I’m glad you won for Top of the Lake and not Mad Men, because that series was nuts and your character didn’t take shit from anyone, especially Don Draper types. And while I’m not in love with your hair, this dress intrigues me, so it’s going on my love list.

I give you bonus points for flipping off the manicam, since that’s what most of us playing along at home are doing.

Juliana Margulies: I love the Good Wife so, so much (#TeamWill), but I don’t think you’ve ever made my list of dresses I love. You always seem to go for body hugging dresses in red, so I really appreciate this one. It seems a bit much for the Golden Globes (I feel like the Oscars is the real ball gown night), but I still love the bit of pattern on this and that you didn’t go for a necklace. 

Lady from 12 Years a Slave (Lupita?): I haven’t seen this movie yet, but I’ve heard very good things. I don’t know who you are, but hot damn! This dress! I would normally mock a woman in a cape, but you are working that cape and the colour is amazing on you. Well played. I join the ranks of everyone who loved this dress.

Tatiana Maslany: Are you watching Orphan Black yet? Because you need to be and it’s all because of this lady. She’s amazing. I would have liked to see her win over Robin Wright (and I say that as a fan of House of Cards), however I’ll accept her red carpet look as a consolation prize. It’s simple, but pretty and looks great on her. Her hair is fantastic and she didn’t overdo it on the jewels. Well done, Tatiana. And for the rest of you, set aside a weekend for a binge watch of Orphan Black to prep yourself for the new season in April.

Best Maternity Formalwear

Okay, I’ve never been pregnant, so I have no idea how to dress a pregnant body. I assume finding decent formal wear is a challenge. Since we had three pregnant ladies, I’m going to give you the best and worst and ignore Olivia Wilde (because I just don’t like her. Also, her dress wasn’t the best).

Kerry Washington: Thankfully, your stylist sobered up to dress you for the red carpet. The dress isn’t out of this world amazing, but it’s classy and lovely and you look great. I still won’t watch Scandal, but well done tonight. Because I’ve seen the bad side of maternity formalwear and it’s a dark place.

That dark place of maternity formalwear includes Drew Barrymore’s ridiculous floral number.

At some point, Drew Barrymore will realize she isn’t no longer a child star and start dressing like an adult. Until then, this style of sheer, flowy fabric with flowers attached looked better on teenaged Kiernan Shipka at the Emmys.

The I Love You, But, We Need To Chat

These are some of my favourite actresses. So this breaks my heart. I just can’t love your dresses.

Aubrey Plaza: I mean, It’s fine. Ish. It’s giving you armpit rolls and the ends are doing some very, very weird things. And I’m worried that there’s a giant bow on your ass. So this is a no.

Rashida Jones: I’m sorry, but are those sequined palm trees on your dress? Even Martin Scorcese looks concerened.

Lizzy Caplan: If I were to put you up against the previous two, you’d win. It’s all art deco and jazz, but I just can’t like it. I’m sure others will disagree, but sorry, not my jam.

Jennifer Lawrence: Oh Jennifer Lawrence. Yours is the most heartbreaking of all. You’re still one of the most delightful people Hollywood has ever produced and I’m jazzed that you won for American Hustle, but hell’s bells. You need to quit Dior before you hit the Oscars red carpet. Or have a serious talking to your stylist. Because this is not okay. This looks like one of those Project Runway challenges where they made the dress out of toilet paper and you’re impressed because it’s made out of toilet paper. But this is not toilet paper, it’s Dior, so it’s giving me the sads.

 

But at least you were up to the gif-worthy shenanigans that make internet explode with glee.

The Maybe, I Don’t Know, Yes, No, Okay Dresses

Emma Watson: well, I do like the dress. And I’m on board with the pants. Kind of. Maybe I’d be more on board if they were the focus instead being hidden under a pseudo-gown. But where you really and truly lose me is on the shoes. Who even thought those were a good idea?

Taylor Swift: I don’t know, kid. The dress just seems a bit much for the Golden Globes, especially for Best Original Song (maybe, just maybe, if you were up for an acting award). Are you just going crazy because you can’t wear the same kinds of gowns to music awards? If that’s the case, then I might give you a pass for wearing one of the biggest dresses of the nights. And while I’m okay with it in the front, the bustle and train were complete overkill. Your hair looked fantastic though.

Just No

Zoe Saldana: What is this? What’s happening? This is like five or six half baked ideas in one dress, worn with a bra with straps that keep sliding down. I was questioning why you had a bubblegum coloured clutch, but then I realized it’s because there is half a meter of pink in the back. Also, I’m pretty sure your shoes don’t fit.

Paula Patton: My Barbie had this dress and rocked it hard in 1984.

Lady from Masters of Sex (I think): This is very Dorothy goes to the prom in Oz. Is this actually a blue seesucker gown with a mullet front? I can’t tell what’s happening, I just know I don’t care for it. And the shoes? Maybe in another lifetime with a different dress, but they are doing nothing for me today.

Kaley Cuoco: I feel like you’ve done this before. It’s like you just can’t say no to a ballgown skirt in recent years. Maybe it’s the casual hair paired with the ballgown, but whatever, I’m bored.

Kate Mara: This just seems harsh and space agey. Maybe it’s the blonde hair with that dress, but I’m pretty sure it’s the dress with it’s metallic fabric and Jetson’s style sleeves. A big pass on this.

Okay, so your favourites/head tilts/hates? What stood out on the red carpet for you? Ally’s feelings will be coming later today.