Heavy Topic: Disordered Eating

I debated long and hard over whether or not I should publish this post.  I’m open about a lot of things on the blog but sharing this seemed almost too personal and not something that I discuss often.  However, the events of late have made me feel that it’s appropriate.   One of the reasons that I was hesitant to post this was that I was afraid that by admitting this that it would some how take away from all that I’ve accomplished.  But it won’t.  I worked my ass off to get where I am and I trust that you, as my readers, know that and won’t judge me.

I have a food addiction.  I have been known to binge.  In fact I used to do it often and thought that I was “just eating.”    Feeling so full that I was nauseous and lethargic, yet I considered that a normal bodily response after eating a meal.

Then I started Weight Watchers and realized what satisfied actually meant.   Eating until I was uncomfortably full was not normal at all.  Most people stop eating when they’re full.  I was used to stopping when the plate was clean, bag was empty etc.

Over the past few years I’ve worked very hard to deal with the binge eating.  But on occasion it still happens.  When this occurs my mind goes crazy trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me and why my eating is so out of control.  I feel ashamed, frustrated and like a huge failure.  So I purge.  It’s not a regular occurrence (once or twice a year) but it’s certainly unhealthy.

It happened last night.  I ate all afternoon and when we got into bed later in the evening I knew that it was going to be one of those times.  I was so upset and when I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror I had no idea who this teary eyed mess of a person was. 

All because of food.

A simple necessity but most days a huge battle for me; when I’m stressed it’s worse.  Can any of you relate?