Keeping It Fresh and Unisex

Anthony: Every summer I have to designate my Summer Jam Divas. The process involves me latching onto a summer hit, mildly obsessing over the new chick on the block, and then trying to balance that with tracks by an old school diva. For example, a few summers past it was Rihanna and Liza Minnelli, which may explain my love of a sassy bob on the ladies. Though I’m still trying to nail down my old school diva, the ridiculously sexy Azealia Banks has provided me with enough jams to dance until I sweat whiskey.

Kids, this is a flaw free diva. Learn something.

Actually, Ms. Banks has solidified my summer style guide. I mean, I wish I could rock that American flag number she’s killing in her “Liquorice” video, but she’ll have to serve as inspiration only.

This year, I’m going for faded, 90s vintage, with a hint of irony fashion. After looking over the photos I grabbed for this post, I realized that my style guide also works for the ladies; and that solidified my raging levels of masculinity that I’ve become known for on the Internetz.

How am I going to deliver these sartorial choices? Big surprise: I’m all about t-shirts and tanks. But don’t worry, I’m going to help you differentiate this shit. First, let’s get you some basics, girl:

Who doesn’t love a vintage inspired t-shirt? Nuns? Oh yeah, OK. Nuns.

If you’re going to do the novelty t-shirt, do it right y’all. None of that text laden business that says something like, “Best You Never Had” or “I’m Big In Japan”. Find yourself a classic brand or logo like this killer Polaroid t-shirt from Altru Apparel, or something with a trend inspired print. Nautical is always a good choice for summer, especially when you can pair it with these 9’’ Stanton Shorts from J.Crew.

Whenever I walk into J.Crew, I feel like I need to say “MY BODY IS READY” and “TAKE MY MONEY” simultaneously.

Now when it comes to a solid tank, you’ve got to decide what your fit will be. Some are cut to be baggy, others are a little tighter, and some are just poorly constructed pieces of cloth that you should stay away from. Forever. I’m looking at you, Hanes. After this past season of 90210 and seeing the early 90s shoved down the throat of pop culture again, I’ve decided to stop resisting and just give into looking like a banger from Santa Monica.

Check out these bad boys from Lifetime Collective and Neff:

Just get on my body, already.

You got your stripes, some faded colours, even an early 90s print that instantly makes me think of “In Living Colour”. Before you rush out to buy some summer tanks, remember: this is not the time to wear solids. You go for patterns, patterns and more patterns. Solid tanks just look like misplaced work out gear and you’re not a cougar who just spent 45 minutes on the recumbent cycle scoping out your next prey. Unless you are, then by all means turn it out sister.

So, short shorts, tanks and graphic t-shirts… you’d think this post was written by a gay man or something. Sure, it’s not pushing the envelope but you know what? It’s a goddamn classic look. And much more accepted socially than my other summer style – passed out drunk with pants around my knees and a half eaten cheeseburger in my bed before midnight because that’s what happens when you’re single and bitchy you end up face deep in a case of PBR and an unused gym membership.