L-A: I’m sorry, but a Kardashian divorce BEGS for lame alliteration. It does. And I do love me some alliteration. But I really should focus on the “breaking” news at hand:
I know. They looked so good together. We really thought they’d last. At least until Christmas. I don’t know about you, but when those glitter mini ponies were trotted out to celebrate that double K love, I didn’t expect irreconcilable differences in just 72 short days. I’m sure they tried hard to make it work. And thought even harder about what divorce would mean. At least slept on it overnight. I doubt a Kardashian would rush into anything like marriage or divorce without at least consulting an entertainment lawyer, an agent and at least one publicist.
Alas! The happy couple aren’t so happy. Apparently Kris wanted to be a fame whore and Kim wanted no part of that glitzy, shallow lifestyle.
So good on you Kim Kardashian! Stay klassy and true to yourself! Never marry a man who wants to be more famouser than you. And I’m glad the pre-nup is air tight (and the ink is probably still wet) to protect your money (and, let’s face it, his. I’m sure the NBA pays well when they aren’t locked out). And good on you for keeping the $2 million ring.
As god as your witness, you’ll never go hungry again – not so long as you’ve got that ring.
But we’d like to know two things:
1) Will you be returning the gifts? Not to be tacky, but we’d like ours back before the 90 day return policy is over.
2) Are the glitter mini-ponies covered in the pre-nup? We’d hate to have you fight over them. We’d especially hate it if you fought when they could hear you. Don’t forget to reassure Glitter Mini-Ponies One and Two that Mommy and Daddy still love them.
On the bright side, you’ll go down in history as one of the great couples who just couldn’t make it work (oh, if only I knew how to make videos like the kids do).
Irreconcilable differences are a bitch, kids. But I’m sure you’ll have tender moments like those in the future.
Ally: I need a moment.
No, seriously guys. Remember when Lindsay Lohan was GORGEOUS? I need a moment.
Right back to the Kardashian drama that was absolutely not pre-planned. Let me weigh in on where it went wrong:
She wore that headpiece. Done.
Next up was the honeymoon, or what I like to call Scene Two in the crappiest soap opera script ever developed:
Listen, my next comment is going to upset people who live their lives without judgement on others. I’m a terrible person in this regard. To be fair to myself, I try to avoid judgement on those who seem to do good works, like say…the contributions Britney Spears has made to Crappy Pop Music. I stayed on Team Britney throughout the cra-cra hurricane that was the early 2000s. When it comes to Kris with a “K” Humphries, it’s got to be said.
There. I said it. Butterface.
Butterface, say wha’ you ask?
Chick with a hell of a nice body, but the face is ugly.
She looked real good… but her face (butterface)
Replace “Chick” with Kris Humphries. You dig?
Kim likes her dollar, dollar bills, but there are only so many dollar, dollar bills in the world that will continue to move you to wake up next to a face of butter.
I’m such a bitch.
Let it be known (and after two years of co-writing this blog I’m pretty sure I’ve made it clear), I invest a great deal of time in celebrity gossip and happily endorse amazing celebrity relationships.
That’s real love right there set to the tune of an amazing country music song. Maybe that’s what K squared needed? A little country?
I feel for Kim though, I do. Having to feign despair over a broken relationship must be exhausting:
I don’t even want to spend another minute on this story. Instead, let’s turn our attention to a relationship that could just go the distance:
I predict this pre-planned Kardashian divorce will ultimately be the end to the Kardashian reality empire. Don’t underestimate my mad skillz on predicting such things. I work in PR. While I don’t claim to work with the Kardashians (although let’s be serious, they need some help), I do claim to know a bad game play with your target audience. You made them sit through a three hour wedding special while you were wearing a shitty headpiece. They’re gonna be asking for their money back.