I wasn’t going to write about this today. I had another topic in mind that I was busy writing in my head before sitting down to start typing. But as I walked towards the computer, I tuned my radio to CBC Maritime Noon. They were discussing the question: “Are we doing enough to prepare for marriage?” in response to the Pope’s recent urging for better pre-marital counselling.
I realized I’ve never really blogged about my opinions concerning marriage. Trust me, I have them. And although this blog’s focus is about my life as a Mommy, I would be missing a key element if I forgot that part of being a Mommy is living with the Daddy.
Getting married was way more difficult than I imagined. First, I had to make all of my relationship mistakes before I finally found a guy who I could stick with long enough for him to propose. Then, I had to plan a wedding and deal with all the stress associated. Finally, I had a spend a full day getting cleaned and pampered up in order to look beautiful so that I could say my vows. It was tough.
And yet, it is nothing compared to being married.
Getting married isn’t nearly as hard as staying married (according to the guest on Maritime Noon). I’d have to agree. And yet, that isn’t what our society portrays marriage to be at all.
Why did you get married? Was it for happiness? Romance? Convenience? Was it for stability? Was it for love?
I guess my idea of marriage ties in very closely to my idea of love (which also doesn’t jive with the mainstream opinion). Love is a verb – not a feeling. Love can breed those feelings that we most associate with love or lust or romance, but love isn’t in itself those feelings. It would be like looking at an apple and saying “I eat you. I must be full. If I’m not feeling full then clearly you are not the right apple for me”, even though you haven’t actually taken a bite. And if you have eaten the apple, you may not have eaten enough apples to feel satiated. Love is the same thing. You can’t just expect the feeling of love to fill you up without doing the work of loving. And even then, the feelings aren’t always there.
How can we possibly base our marriage on feelings then? How quickly have you felt one way and then moments later felt the complete opposite? Feelings are fleeting and fickle. If marriages are based on feelings, then how can we be surprised when marriages are fleeting and fickle.
I believe that a marriage takes work. I believe that it won’t always be easy. I believe that a marriage isn’t all about love, but my number one priority needs to be actively loving my spouse. I believe that “falling out of love” doesn’t mean that my marriage is dead, but that I instead need to work harder to get beyond the lack of feelings. And I believe that if divorce isn’t in our vocabulary then my husband and I will work our absolute hardest to make it work.
I’ve recently seen the results of a marriage where divorce is an option. Where the moto seemed to be “when the going gets tough, the tough get going”. There was no attempt to work at the marriage, no attempt to live through the “for worse” part of the vows. The saddest part was, from an outside perspective, it appeared as if one of the spouses really was trying to make it work. But the other refused. It was too hard. The feelings were no longer there.
Although marriage preparation is beneficial, nothing will change until our attitudes, opinions and expectations of marriage change.
I’ve only been married for two and a half years. I have no right to be giving advice. But I hope that sharing these opinions with my husband will ensure the health and longevity of our marriage and our family. ‘Til death do we part.
