The Miss America pageant was on last night, and I’m guessing you didn’t watch it.
This is the pageant that isn’t solely based on looks (though there’s still a swimsuit competition, so…), awards girls scholarships for something called “education”, isn’t associated with Donald Trump, has been shuffled around between networks over the past several years, and is not particularly entertaining to watch. There are no hot babes, no ridiculously moronic answers and no cocaine addiction scandals.
However, it’s still a pageant and it still has the added bonus of some humiliating displays of “talent”. So of course I watched. Like I do with most pageants, I recorded the show last night and watched it this afternoon with my mom and grandmother. You should have been there – I learned everything I know about mocking from those two.
Fifty-three women introduced themselves, and it was like leading lambs to the slaughter. It wasn’t the fault of the women. It was the fault of the low rent makeup artist who thought it would be a good idea to contour the life out of every girl who had a nose bigger than Kim Kardashian’s. Seriously, almost every single girl looked as though someone had applied foundation meant for Beyonce to the sides of their noses and makeup meant for Dakota Fanning on the bridges of their noses. And said makeup must have been applied with a spatula. It was excruciating.
Fifteen women were selected as finalists – eleven by the judges (who we barely saw during the entire program), two by the voting public, and two by the contestants themselves. The women then paraded around in bikinis that for the most part looked like standard black underwear. The things people will do to earn a law degree, you know?
Three women were eliminated (for what, it’s hard to say – having too much cleavage?) and the remaining twelve took part in my favorite event of the night, the evening gown competition. Though without someone like Carson Kressley (or myself? Hello ABC?) to critique the gowns from the safety of a soundproof glass box, it’s just really not the same.
The best dresses were worn by Miss California in a flattering red gown, Miss Texas in a sparkly halter, and Miss Hawaii in this. Almost all the others were ugly – weird trains, stupid fishtail bottoms, stiff bodices and tacky, ill-fitting gowns punched me in the face throughout the entire competition. You’re lucky I couldn’t find any pictures, because it wasn’t pretty.
Next up was the “talent” portion of the night. This was fun because all twelve girls had to sit their in their stupid costumes, but only ten actually got to perform. The others were eliminated on the spot, left looking like fools in their sequins and leotards.
There are three standard types of beauty pageant talent: singing, dancing, and playing the piano. Piano is hard to judge, but judge I do. Miss Nebraska tickled the ivories this year, and she played “Chopsticks”. I’m not kidding. She played a fancy version of “Chopsticks”, but it was still “Chopsticks”. Three girls danced – Miss Oklahoma did ballet (yawn), Miss Delaware did a ballet-ish modern dance to “The Way You make Me Feel” (minus the stuff on her toes, anyone can dance like that after a couple Alabama Slammers) and Miss Virginia did Riverdance.
The singing is always the most embarrassing. These women make the early rounds of American Idol look like Grammy-worthy material. Miss Washington sang “Papa Was A Rolling Stone” with all the soul of my left sock, as her father watched proudly from the audience. Miss Arizona sang opera, which is one of the few things in life that I have no business judging. Miss California sang “I Who Have Nothing” in the style of a small-time cruise ship performer. Miss Hawaii sort of sang “Feeling Good”, but she threw in a ukulele to make it “Hawaiian” or something, and it was both bizarre and wrong. Miss Arkansas won the “Utterly Humiliating” award of the night by not only singing “I Wanna Be A Cowboy’s Sweetheart, but singing parts of it as an amateur ventriloquist with two creepy, creepy dummies. It was sickening. And Miss Kentucky won the “Absolutely Awful” award of the night by trying to belt out “A Change Is Gonna Come” when she should have just hummed “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star”.
The ten girls were whittled down to a final five – Hawaii, Washington, Nebraska, Oklahoma and Arkansas – and asked some pointless, completely unmemorable questions. It was hard to choose a winner – should it be the girl who looks like Owen Wilson’s sister or the girl who looks like she hasn’t washed her hair in over a week? So. Hard. To. Choose. In the end, the crown went to Miss Nebraska, the adorable seventeen year old “Chopsticks” playing cutie that me, my mom, and my grandmother had all placed first of the final five contestants.
I’m not going to bother asking you if you watched Miss America because I know you didn’t, so instead I’ll ask this – do you watch any beauty pageants? Miss USA? Miss Teen USA? My beloved Miss Universe?
