It’s my lifelong goal to act as a judge in a beauty pageant.
The Miss Universe pageant (owned by Donald Trump) was hosted this year by Natalie Morales and NBC’s new golden boy Bret Michaels. They’re pictured to the right along with the gorgeous Miss Universe 2009. Sending Bret Michaels to host Miss Universe was like asking a fat kid to work in a candy store. Did they have to hire a person for the sole purpose of following Bret around and making sure he didn’t sexually harass anyone? It’s not that I think Bret Michaels is rude or dangerous. It’s just that if he thought every graphic designer, chef and fitness instructor that appeared on The Celebrity Apprentice was “smokin’ hot”, how did he react to being in a room with scores of the most beautiful women in the world? (And, let’s be honest, a few plain Janes as well.)
After getting brief glances at the 83 contestants and decked out in their “traditional” (there were a few women there in questionable attire) costumes, the top fifteen girls were selected. My early favorites were Miss Puerto Rico, Miss Mexico, Miss South Africa (more because of her home country than her looks), Miss Jamaica (who looked like a mash-up of Beyonce and Jordin Sparks), Miss Russia and Miss Guatemala. I always tend to select a lot of women from Latin countries, and this year was no different. I was surprised that a few women hadn’t made it in, though – especially Miss USA. It seems like Miss USA almost always makes it through to the first round, and I thought the US had a stunning contestant this year.
The swimsuit competition is always pretty dull (unless someone falls!) but I was happy to see the girls wearing lavender bikinis this year. I hate when all the girls wear black or white suits because it just looks as though they’re parading around in underwear. My favorite thing to do during the swimsuit competition is to play “Who’s boobs are fake?” (cough, cough, Guatemala).
The contestants were cut down to a group of ten before my favorite competition, evening gowns. I was surprised to see that Russia didn’t make the cut. There were some gorgeous gowns, but there were also some truly atrocious ones.
Miss Albania wore a sparkly white lace gown with a high slit. It was skanky.
Miss Jamaica wore possibly the tackiest gown of the evening. Turquoise with sparkles, lace, satin and a gathered hem. I don’t think it could have been possible to make an evening gown look any cheaper.
Miss Puerto Rico wore a metallic lavender gown that appeared to have a second gown/small person wrapped in fabric attached to the back. It was huge and over-the-top. Way more Lady Gaga than Miss Universe.
Miss South Africa hurt my feelings by wearing a tacky purple dress with lots of tulle. It looked like something you’d see in a small town prom dress store. It was a let down, considering I once worked for a fashion magazine in Cape Town and know that South Africa has better fashion sense.
Miss Guatemala wore a metallic gown with an Elvis-esque collar that looked as though it had been melted onto her body. It was spectacularly trashy and really highlighted her breast implants.
Miss Australia wore a bizarre dress with embroidered flowers and a sheer waist. I’m not sure why, but I didn’t like it – and her limp, I’m-just-running-to-the-mall hair didn’t help.
There were four gowns from the group that I loved.
Miss Ukraine wore a simple cream gown that looked very elegant.
Miss Philippines surprised me by wearing a bold silver gown. It had a large bow and a sweeping, fluid skirt. At first I thought the dress overwhelmed her, but upon second glance I thought she really worked it. 
Miss Ireland wore a sparkly one-strap gown that made her look stunning and statuesque. She needed to lose the necklace, though – it was too much with the dangling earrings and detailed bodice. I wasn’t a fan of Miss Ireland earlier in the competition, but after seeing a video where she was wearing less make-up I started to root for her. She had truly dazzling eyes.
Miss Mexico became my definite favorite when she stepped out in a gorgeous red gown. The color suited her perfectly. She looked glamorous and elegant – like a movie star.
Want to see all ten gowns? Check out this video. There’s one girl shown in the beginning who’s wearing a skirt that looks like toilet paper was stuck to her bum.
After the evening gown competition the ten women were narrowed down to a group of five finalists: the contestants from Mexico, Australia, Jamaica, Ukraine and Philippines. I was disappointed in the results – I thought Miss Ireland, Miss Puerto Rico and Miss Guatemala all deserved places in the finals.
The final questions are always a drag in Miss Universe. The judges’ questions are sometimes stupid or too difficult, and I always feel that the contestants who require interpreters are at a bit of a disadvantage.
Miss Mexico answered a question from Evan Lysacek about how unsupervised internet use affects children. Her answer was just OK. Miss Australia answered a question from Nikki Taylor about governments banning religious clothing. I didn’t care for her answer – she said governments shouldn’t intervene, but then used swimsuits as an example. Miss Jamaica answered a difficult question from Tamron Hall on whether the death penalty should exist. I always feel bad for contestants who have to respond to such polarizing questions, and she spoke well. Miss Ukraine answered a question from Jane Seymour (Dr. Quinn!) on the use of full-body scanners in airports, and she spoke very well – though the question was a easy one. Finally, Miss Philippines answered a question from Billy Baldwin about a mistake she had made in her life. She gave the stupidest answer – that she’d never made any big mistakes or had problems in her life. Such a cop-out.
Finally, it was time for the winner to be announced. Before the results, I gave my preferences for the results:
5. Philippines
4. Australia
3. Jamaica
2. Ukraine
1. Mexico
I loved Miss Mexico from the beginning and once the judges selected the final five, she was the only one of my favorite contestants left. And the pageant ended on a positive note – Miss Mexico was crowned Miss Universe! The runners-up, from first to worst, were Jamaica, Australia, Ukraine and Philippines.
A few final thoughts on Miss Universe:
- Natalie Morales’ first and third dresses were OK, but the second one was different and pretty.
- Bret Michaels’ first time hosting a pageant was a minor success. He should have changed his suit and bandana at least once, and he held the microphone too close to his mouth. But he didn’t say anything obnoxious or inappropriate and he has a good speaking voice.
- There were WAY too many commercials for Undercovers and Chase during the broadcast.
- There should have been a fashion critic like Joan Rivers or Carson Kressley there.
