Never Easy

I can only describe that moment as chaotic. There I was, standing in the middle of my messy kitchen, the dishwasher open and half-filled to my left, a family room ahead of me with empty toy boxes and toys strewn everywhere. My husband was resting on the couch, my baby boy was stirring in his boucy-seat at every noise, and directly in front of me was a toddler holding a giant ball yelling “Throw da ball, Mama!”

I looked at the messy kitchen counter to my left, with dirty dishes piled high, and at the half-full dishwasher. Then, I looked at my little boy, entirely too loud and doing exactly what I didn’t want him to do at that moment – bugging me.

That was when I hit my breaking point. I started to catch the ball while tears streamed down my face.

It had been a long day which had followed a long, restless night. I had spent my day either nurturing my newborn or raising my voice to the toddler, sometimes at the same time. To Cameron, everything had become a game, including doing exactly the opposite of what Mommy and Daddy asked him to do. The noise level was high. My body was in discomfort. My husband and I were exhausted. And our house was a disaster. I had nothing left to give.

And all Cameron wanted was to play ball with his Mama.

All I wanted was to find some order in the chaos.

I was completely flooded with frustration, fear, and guilt. I was sure that I was not cut out to mother two children. One? I was great at. Two? My husband and I had already failed. How would I do this on my own in a few weeks? I was in over my head.

I had been expecting this. In fact, I was surprised it waited until I had been home a week before striking.

The Baby Blues.

After bringing my first-born home from the hospital, I pretty much languished in the baby blues for a full week. I vividly remember sneaking away to bathe my broken body and just breaking down in tears time and time again during that first week. My boy was beautiful and healthy, my husband was home to help me, but I was having a really hard time coping with all the physical and emotional and mental changes that came with giving birth and being a Mom. Giving birth brings on such rapid changes to both a woman’s body and her life that going through a period of emotional upheaval is entirely natural.

But it still sucks.

When babies are born to other people, we see the peaceful smiles in the beautiful pictures. We visit and we gently hold sleeping babies for a few moments while Mom sits with her feet up and Dad brings the coffee. The periphery might be messy, the new parents might look tired, but all of that seems to fade away, hidden by the happy glow of this perfect newborn.

Except, the newborn glow doesn’t actually hide anything. It doesn’t hide the three hours it takes a baby to fall asleep at night. It doesn’t hide the dishes that start piling up in the sink. It doesn’t hide the throbbing nipples. It doesn’t hide the clothes that don’t fit right. It doesn’t hide the misbehaving older child.

Babies might be perfection, but adjusting to this new life never is.

Sometimes I worry that I am doing a disservice by seeking the miracles amidst the muck of motherhood. Maybe I am making motherhood look too easy. I have seen and heard many new moms mention only a few weeks after having a baby that they thought things would be easier already. I always wonder which Mom gave them that impression.

Until we have a child, we live within the patterns of a certain normalcy. Pregnancy changes this a little, but there is always an end in sight; a chance to get back to normal. After nine months, sleep becomes comfortable again, cheese and wine aren’t off limits, life can conceivably go back to normal.

But it never does. Normal changes. And each time a new child is brought into a household, a new normal needs to be established. Everything doesn’t fall back into place like it was before. We adapt. We change. We make room.

And it isn’t easy.

But no one said motherhood would be.

I thought it would be Cameron who would need to do the most adjusting to the new baby. But it hasn’t been him. It has been me. Cameron is just as playful and as loving as he was before. He shows no animosity whatsoever towards Gavin. I am the one who is having the hardest time adjusting.

But I am adjusting. We are adjusting. And in doing so, we are creating a new normal. And it will be beautiful. But never easy.

Source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/MommysMiracle/~3/8OAxdmCdDrA/never-easy.html