With Canada once again facing a political/economic crisis that has serious implications for national sovereignty, the old spectre of separatism has once again shown its face. Apparently no-one has bothered to learn anything since 1995, and remain doggedly convinced that separating from a larger nation in an increasingly shrinking world, is a good idea. It certainly doesn’t help that one of the authors of the now infamous “Firewall Letter” is THE FUCKING PRIME MINISTER! It’s funny that Harper is busy lecturing us about separatists when his track record isn’t all that better.

Alberta I don’t care how rich you are, the regionalist route just isn’t going to work anymore. You need the rest of the country to supply you with the raw resources that you don’t possess and the manufactured materials you cannot produce. Most importantly you need the educated people from the rest of the country (which come largely from Atlantic Canada I might add). Listen, I’ve lived in Alberta, the amount of people pursuing valuable higher education versus the amount of people you so desperately need to prop up your incredibly lucrative but unbelievable tenuous system simply doesn’t even out. And you’re efforts to lure in immigrants to avoid collapse have largely back-fired. You need the people from Ontario, Nova Scotia, New Brunswick and everywhere else just to keep going. For example: My Dad was recently involved in a car accident. When he went to have the car fixed, he was told it would take until December 24th just to put his car in the shop and until January 15th to get it back. Why? Because they simply don’t have enough people to do the job. And if that wasn’t bad enough, half the people just maintaining Alberta’s highly profitable status quo are from outside Alberta. They teach your children, manage your companies and process your oh so precious oil. SO SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!!! You need us just like we need you, that is how a goddamn federation works. So before you let all your bitter separatist whispering become more than angry idle chatter, just keep that in mind.

Oh and Quebec, sit the hell down and shut the fuck up. You aren’t fooling anyone anymore. Not since Bon Cop/Bad Cop came out. You can talk a good game and vote as many Bloc Quebecois into the house as you want but we all know your end game. The publicity campaign, the vague referendum and when the final numbers come in guess who carries the day. “NON” that’s who. Two for two you short-sighted motherfuckers. The same reason why separatism is bad for Alberta, is the reason why it is worse for you. But wait, there’s more! Aside from forgetting the economic devastation you will incur by separating, you’re assuming an awful lot if you think you even have a chance anymore. In case you haven’t noticed, ever since the 1990s you guys have experienced a magical little thing called immigration. Most of whom immigrated not to the Republic of Quebec but to…..wait for it…..CANADA! You think either they or the First Nations are going to back your play anytime in the future. We’ve already proved that the majority of Quebecois won’t either. Your separatist moment has come and gone already, deal with it. We gave you two chances to get what you want and you still couldn’t pull it off. So stop posturing already. We get your point. We all recognize you are culturally distinct from the rest of the country but we also know, that you have come to realize where your bread is buttered. All you do now is rattle your sabres and use the Bloc to fuck the electoral process for the Anglos because we slag on you every once and a while. Hey I get it, Leafs fans are dicks (GO HABS!), but now you’re just acting a like spoiled child who can’t always get their way anymore. Quebec, do you really want to be the Paris Hilton of Canada?

And let this serve as a warning to anybody else who wants to play the separatist card, I don’t care who you are. Newfoundland, you know Danny is my boy but that won’t stop me from coming over there and pimp slapping every single one of your squid jigging, cod kissing, seal clubbing, paint huffing, Screech chugging asses! Be forewarned, I keep my back-hand strong. It doesn’t matter who you are (Bluenosers included), nobody fucks with the Great White North’s social cohesion. Especially not over that tubby, half-separatist, charisma-less cyborg Steven “I’ll sell my country out to keep my fucking job” Harper. That would be a waste of valuable time and energy; both of which we will need to stave off the damage caused by the Americans’ fucking with the economic balance of the world. For the love of God, we have a good thing going in this country of ours, don’t destroy it just because you don’t like people with French and Eastern accents.