I neeeeded a good workout, like neeeeeded it. I have been feeling like crap ever since Saturday and it has perpetuated a series of bad food decisions. I definitely think it was hormone related too, but ultimately I overate a few times, ate some crap and felt like crap! I was feeling badly and wanted to come out of it badly. So tonight was Zumba night and since it’s too much of a time crunch to go home and then back in after work for the 6:30 class, I decided that since Zumba is a bit on the lower intensity side, rather than just wait around for it to start, I’d give’r on the treadmill for a half an hour and work up a good sweat beforehand.

I neeeeeded that run for so many reasons and finally the endorphins are helping to pull me out of my funk. Since Saturday I seriously have felt in a cranky funk and I am annoying myself (think Pink, “Don’t let me get me”). I hate negativity, like can’t stand it and here I am feeling cranky and negative and then feeling annoyed with myself for thinking that way! It is at this point where I start to think about people who battle with chronic depression. I do not, but every now and then my brain is telling me one thing and my feelings are telling me another and this was one of those times. Like there was no “positive thinking” approach that was going to work. I was feeling blue and no amount of reasoning was going to pull me out of it. It’s just how I felt. I’m positive that it’s raging cycling hormones that will pass, but it just made me feel badly for people who suffer from that kind of feeling chronically. There are those who I love dearly who endure much worse and I just want to hug them so hard.

Tonight, my workout was an hour and a half in total and it felt great to be doing something positive for my body again. It made me feel a bit better, not completely, but I felt like I had succeeded at re-gaining control over my choices again. Since Saturday, my self-control has felt beyond my fingertips and that is what has sent me into a spiraling panic. It is abundantly clear that it’s not being at “goal” that is the ultimate prize, nor is it a even a “successful weigh-in” that is my ultimate reward, but rather, it’s knowing that inside I am “in control” of what I am doing for my body and my mind in a positive way.

“You are re-training your brain. You have to teach yourself the difference between how you are living your life versus how to live an attainable, sustainable life that is going to get you where you need to go.”

These words came out of my mouth during my CTV News Interview and I didn’t even know where they came from, but I have thought about them so many times every since.

This is why I love to blog! It’s more than an outlet, it’s a log of my patterns which includes ups and downs, the good, the bad and the ugly. It’s kind of hard to argue with yourself when you hear (and see) the things that you have said! Who can talk sense into you better than you! 😉

So guys, I’m telling yas right now that this Saturday’s WI will not be pretty. I am a bit embarrassed by that to be honest, although I shouldn’t be, but I am. I expect it to be a big gain, but I am looking forward to facing it and moving past it. I plan to stick to my plan (and most importantly, exercise) over the holidays and am very much looking forward to my big new year ahead. In January I start training for my very first Half Marathon and I still can’t believe it!