A few years ago I was leading an overnight youth event at a church. Most of the teens there were in grade seven and had spent very little if any time in a church before.
They seemed to find the building – especially the sanctuary interesting.
The youth group was new, we had really only been together for a few months at this time. The guys and girls had been sizing each other up pretty much since day one and crushes had developed. No one was really sure yet how to tell someone that they liked them.
On this particular event some of the teens decided they would ‘help’ Sean and Jill admit to each other how they felt. They decided the best way for them to do that was to pretend to have a wedding. They arranged who would be the best man, the maid of honour, the groomsmen, and the bridesmaids. They shifted the stuff on the stage around so they could stand where they figured they should. They even found some old dusty silk flowers from somewhere to use as a bouquet. After thirty minutes or so they were almost ready.
Suddenly they realized if Jill and Sean were going to get married someone had to marry them. At that point a gaggle of squealing teenaged girls dragged Jill and Sean over to me and said, ‘Can you marry them?!” I smiled a mischievous smile and told them, ‘sure, but if I marry you, you’d actually be married’.
The gasp and shock on their faces was worth the white lie I just told. They decided maybe it would be better to have one of bridesmaids oversee the wedding instead. No doubt thanks to TV she reached for the classic phrase; ‘Dearly beloved…’
And the ‘wedding’ went on.
This is the wedding topper Meghan picked for our cake. If I wanted the wedding to go through I had to agree.
One of the great privileges of being a ‘Man of The Cloth’ is that I get to marry people. I love the chance to play this role in the life that two people have chosen to have together. It is exciting to help people take these steps. It is wonderful to watch this big day finally come together after months – perhaps even years of careful planning.
The day moves quickly from getting ready to “dearly beloved” to “now you may kiss the bride” to pictures to meals to toasts to the YMCA, the Chicken Dance, the Macarena, and finally you leave ready to enjoy the rest of the night together. So much planning went into it and in 24 hours it is all finished. You are married, and your new life together has began.
Most people I talk with about getting married tend to stress over the wedding. The budget, the date, the colours, the food, the seating arrangements, the location, the wedding party, the music, and on and on and on and on I could go. I like to remind people that weddings can be as easy or as complex as they want. If I were to boil everything down to the most basic, I could get you married in ten minutes in your living room. All I would need would be two friends and a some paperwork.
I am not saying I would advocate for a ten minute living room wedding. My point simply is that getting married is, or at least it can be, very easy. Staying married on the other hand is not. Most people on some level know this to be true. Yet when it comes time to get married, most of us spend a lot of time preparing for our wedding and very little, if any time preparing for our marriage. Good marriages don’t just happen, they take effort. Doing a little prep work before you get married can help set you up for success.
I won’t pretend that I have this all figured out or that anything I say will guarantee you a successful marriage. But Meghan and I took some time before we got married to try to make sure we were on the same page and I think it really helped. We have been married for six years and counting and our relationship is continually evolving into something better.
One of the first things we did after we got engaged is we worked through two books together; Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, and Love Talk both by Les and Leslie Parrott. We spent a night a week for a few months going chapter by chapter. The books helped us learn a lot about each other, and about our families. We discovered that we both had some preconceived notions of what being married and being a family meant that we hadn’t shared. This gave us a chance to talk these things through before it really mattered. Did these talks smooth everything out? No. We had, and still have our fair share of fights. But at least we understood better where each other was coming from.
Something else you should consider is to start talking about what life will look like after the wedding. Imagine life in five years, or ten years, or twenty years. Meghan and I were in sync on what life would look like leading up to the wedding. But the way we imagined our next five years together were night and day apart. We spent a lot of time talking it through and came to an agreed plan; A plan that was quickly tossed out the window after we were expecting our first child a month after our wedding, mind you.
Look at the happy couple! You guys have no idea what is coming your way in a few months.
Even if you have to toss out your plans when life throws you a curveball, it is important to talk about the future. Imagine life with little money. Imagine life with a high powered career. Imagine life far away from family. And maybe most importantly imagine life with kids, or without them. Maybe you want kids, and maybe you don’t. Maybe by choice or circumstance you will never have children. But children, if they come, change things a lot.
All of those differences in belief, philosophy and practice between you that you have held in balance will get harder. These problems might be minor, like how Meghan likes to put the kids in Calgary Flames clothing while I would much prefer Toronto Maple Leafs. Or they might be more substantial, like if you two have very different religious beliefs. I won’t pretend that you can solve every problem years in advance but there is a lot of value in trying to imagine the same future together.
Lastly, what I think was the most important thing that we tried to do before we got married was we spent time with couples who had been married for a long time. Couples that were not part of our family. The best tutor is always experience. We benefited greatly from spending time with couples who have been married for years or decades. It was helpful to hear how they survived their first few years of marriage. They were able to give us some tips and tricks. But the really important thing for me was to hear that they faced the same struggles that we were facing and that their marriage survived.
Weddings are great. But no matter how great your wedding is, your marriage will only work if you work on it everyday together. Remember that you are in this together, but you don’t have to do it alone.
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