Review: ‘Season of the Witch’ Should be Burnt at the Stake

Did you know that Season of the Witch was originally supposed to be released March 19, 2010? Apparently, a few weeks before the release, the studio decided to postpone the movie indefinitely, due to poor audience reaction at screenings.

So what did they do? They fired the director, hired the guy who made X-Men 3 to reshoot some stuff and – presto! – ended up with what is so far the worst movie of the year.

Okay, it’s my first review of 2011 so technically it’s also the best movie of the year. Damn it.

“Hey man, technicalities are awesome.”

What they get right

Ron Perlman is fairly likeable. In fact, he may be the only likeable character in this whole movie. While the other characters seem to competing in a game of ‘Who can out-bore the audience?’, ol’ Ron is there kicking ass and keepin’ it real. Thanks Ron.

Um, what else? It’s mercifully short. At 95 minutes, it’s a brief enough trauma to repress. Hopefully.

And that’s pretty much it.

Where they screw up

Everywhere.

There’s not a believable character in this whole sorry lot. Or if ‘believable’ is off the table, ‘entertaining’ (except for my main man Ron, of course. High-five, Ron).

Also, the filler dialogue they add to transition scenes made me hurt. For instance:

Perlman: “We’ve come a long way, Behmen (Cage). We’ve crossed oceans, deserts. Seen things few men have seen. Even so, I think I’d like to see the valley where I was born. Would you?”

Cage (monotone): “I have no such yearning for home.”

Perlman: “Oh well then come with me. I will show you my home. And we will sit in the hall where my forefathers sat and drink ale. And tell tales few men have lived to tell.”

Cage (flat and devoid of even a hint of personality): “And fewer still will believe.”

Perlman: “Ah, but we will know the truth, my friend. We will know.”

Slow clap.

That was the entire scene, by the way. They were arriving at a destination which could have simply cut to them riding through the gate, bypassing this scene entirely. But no. They specifically shot this scene to highlight that word-silk that flowed like verb-honey.

The results

Nicolas Cage was on a roll last year, but this is just another one of his cash grabs for tax money. And while I don’t mind the idea of helping the man pay a few bills, I draw the line at also burning 95 minutes in the process.