Review: ‘Sucker Punch’ — A Two Hour Tribute to Zack Snyder’s Erection

Sucker Punch is a movie that’s terrible, despite featuring dragons, robot-samurais and half-naked women. If you can’t make an awesome movie out of just one of those things, you’re an embarrassment to filmmaking.

Taking place in an asylum for the incredibly hot (apparently), Sucker Punch is the story of a group of scantily-clad girls who decide to sexily break out when one of them is scheduled for a lobotomy in five days.

But there’s a twist. You see, our lead – Baby Doll (yeah, Baby Doll – they all have stripper names as well) – has a vivid imagination. So much so, that when she first arrives at the asylum, she almost immediately begins to imagine it’s a bordello.

Okay, easy enough. I tackled Inception, I think I can handle that.

But then, within that fantasy, she further escapes into fantasy – envisioning a CGI landscape with all of that cool stuff I mentioned before.

Okay, still on board. Suspecting Snyder was just looking for an excuse to throw whatever crazy shit he wanted on the screen, but still on board.

And all of this makes for visually impressive stuff to look at. The problem is, whether the characters succeed or not is fairly irrelevant, because the majority of the movie happens in a fantasy world. No reality means no consequences, and no consequences means me not giving a fuck for about 90% of this film.

Sure, there actually are consequences. The fantasies are loose metaphors for what’s actually happening one step above. But it never really feels that way, and coupled with the fact that this movie has dialogue that gives Battle: Los Angeles a run for its money, Sucker Punch is really hard to invest in as a movie.

Think of it like watching someone else play a video game for about two hours. Now, think about paying $13 for that privilege.

“But Jon, I don’t want things like character arcs, dialogue, or any other basic staples of storytelling. I want to see Sucker Punch so I can stare at five gorgeous, half-naked women for two hours.”

Well, then may I suggest watching some online porn? The women there are more naked for less money.

Look, the visuals in Sucker Punch are pretty good. Not Avatar good, or anything revolutionary, but Snyder’s usual calibre of CGI-wizardry. So, if that alone is reason enough for you to want to watch this movie, then by all means do.

But for anyone looking for something beyond visuals, you won’t find it. All I’m saying is, I like looking at fireworks too, but after about five minutes, I’m pretty bored.

Sucker Punch is a poorly-written, unsatisfying movie, which never has any fun with the farfetched and potentially awesome elements it’s working with. Instead of being a ride, it’s a chore. It’s never fun enough to be entertaining, nor deep enough to be engaging.

It’s just a two hour CGI tribute to Zack Snyder’s erection.


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