What is your worst fear?

Mine is not being here for my daughter. You see I am a single mother and it has been just me and her since she was born. I was already on my way to divorce when she was born and basically I live to be a good mom for her.

Twice I have battled cervical cancer. Both times I won or so I have thought.I counted myself blessed to be able to say I beat cancer.

Well right now I am scared more scared then I have been in a very long time.

Now if you are a man you may not want to read beyond here because I am going to get a wee bit graphic. I have bled for the last 19 days. I never bleed for more then 5. The only times I have well lets just say I have ended up on an operating table. I am scared. I am more then that I am terrified.

I have just started a brand new career that allows me for the first time in my life to provide well for my daughter and I. I can not afford to be off work when I have just begun. I am still in that first 90 day window. You know the one, the one where if you miss time no matter how great they think you are, you are replacable.I have worked hard to get from welfare to where I am today income wise.

I am scared about the what is next. I really do not want to go to the doctor’s office. I have been putting it off. Making excuses. Right now I feel very alone. I feel weak in the knees when I start to think of all it could mean.

My gut tells me “Hollie you are a survivor” but really I was ready for a end of the year that was about thriving, and not just making it out of an operating rooom, out of a treatment room. I feel like I am walking on egg shells, ever been there?

For the first time in a long time I feel vunerable, scared like crawling back into the shell I like to wear when I am in a fight. I feel motionless, unable to move, but I know I have to move. Rachel is counting on me. I have to move though the terrror I feel and into the fight. I am not sure what is ahead, if the cancer is back or not, or could it be I am aging and this is the beginning of that age where a woman’s body takes on a mind of it’s own. All I know is right now in this moment I am terrified, worried. I thank God I can fall on my knees as I try to muster up a wee bit of courage to get me through the next little while as I try to figure out what is going on with me.

If you believe in prayer could you offer up a wee one for me?


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