Is there always this much crying on The Bachelor? I haven’t always watched the show, and having made every possible attempt to erase Jake Pavelka’s season from my mind I no longer have a reference. Is this normal? Because these women are crying, like, a lot. But enough about tears. Let’s talk about the one thing that made me really, really happy this week:

Michelle woke up with a black eye!

I really hope this means that one of the girls socked her in her sleep. The other great thing about Michelle’s black eye? Every time she whined “I woke up with a black eye” (which was approximately every 30 seconds) I heard “I woke up with a black guy”. Every time. And it never stopped being funny.

Chris Harrison showed up to deliver the first date card, which would send one lady on a one-on-one date with Brad. (Sidenote: Anyone else notice that since Brad “Mr. Sensitive” Womack confides in his therapist, Harrison’s role in this train wreck has been seriously diminished this season? All he does is deliver date cards, and half the time that gig goes to an end table that does an equally sufficient job.) Michelle, of course, thought she deserved the one-on-one date…because she had a bruise. Could this woman be any more narcissistic? She deserves alone time because it’s her birthday. She deserves alone time because now she’s thirty. She deserves alone time because she has a black eye?!

Instead, the date went to Chantal (not Shawntel), so she swiped on some more blush and prepared for her date, but before she could escape Casa Chlamydia with her man, Michelle had to make one play for pity and announce “I woke up with a black eye today!” Riiiiight.

Brad whisked Chantal off to Catalina Island where they would be walking on the bottom of the ocean floor. That’s the kind of thing that sounds a lot more romantic than it actual ends up being. You except to see starfish, manatees and chests of gold and instead find condoms, beer bottles and severed feet with sneakers still on.

Later the two dined (Or just drank? Why don’t we ever see people consume food on this show?) at a beachfront cabana, which looked nice. Chantal told Brad all about her failed marriage to her high school sweetheart, and he reaffirmed that yes, he wants to get married. They actually seemed like they were getting along and having fun like (gasp!) real people on a real date until this exchange occurred:
Chantal (looking up at Brad with dreamy eyes): “I like you a lot.”
Brad (staring straight ahead and answering in a monotone voice): “I like you a lot, too. No doubt about it. Absolutely no doubt about it.”

For real, he could not sound more like he’s reading off a script. Or like he’s trying to convince himself of something. Guess what, Brad? Just because you keep repeating “I will fall in love, I will fall in love” doesn’t mean you’re going to. There are no ruby red slippers for you to click together to make that happen. Luckily, Chantal was too busy falling in lust to notice how wooden his answer was, so she accepted the rose and moved the party into the make-out tent.

Back at Casa Chlamydia, Michelle was curled up in the fetal position and crying, because apparently people compare her to Chantal all the time. Who? Who is doing that? They hate each other! She whined to the nicer Ashley about how she can’t eat or sleep, but wakes up with heartburn in the middle of the night. I’m calling foul on that one – you’re either waking up with heartburn, or you’re not eating or sleeping. Not both. Finally Michelle let poor Ashley off the hook so that she could continue to cry and whine by herself in front of the camera. She complained that Chantal is “loud and hard”. Hmm, maybe they are more alike than I thought – is Chantal hypocritical as well?

Will someone please tell the producers of this show that “dates” never include filming a PSA, filming an action movie, or doing a radio interview with one of the most annoying men on earth. Please?

For the group date Stacey, Lindsay, Britt, Meghan, Alli, Lisa, Annoying Ashley, Less Annoying Ashley and Jackie were herded into a radio studio for a sit-down with Dr. Drew. Apparently Brad was hoping to create an environment where all the women would be able to open up to him, and what better way to do that than in a private, intimate setting in front of a large group of judgmental strangers who are all competing for the same man?

Dr. Drew emphasized to all the women that Brad was looking for someone he could be himself around, and then asked for a show of hands for who’d been unfaithful before. Seriously? You’re going to say “Raise your hand if you’re a Cheater Cheater Pumpkin Eater!” after Brad just delivered a self-righteous speech about how he’d never cheated on anyone before, not even in the eighth grade? How kind. Stacey the Bartender raised her hand and said she’d cheated on someone when she was in college. (Maybe if she’d done a little more studying and a little less fooling around, she wouldn’t be a bartender? OK OK, that’s mean. I like bartenders.) Brad commended her for her “honesty” and everyone else in the room gave her a death stare. Wow, what a great environment for opening up! Brad didn’t have me fooled, though. I knew Stacey’s honesty would seal her fate.

Everyone then headed over the Brad’s for a “wrap party” or whatever, and things immediately got awkward. You know what these group dates need? A schedule. Or, a guy with some backbone. Brad! If you sit down with someone for 20 seconds and then another woman interrupts, say “Wait your turn”! For god’s sake, take control, man!

By far, the worst ones in the bunch were the Ashleys. (Isn’t that always the way? No offense to people named Ashley, but if you’ve seen the cartoon Recess you know what I’m talking about.) First, let’s talk about Less Annoying Ashley. This is the one who’s a nanny, and apparently she forgot to leave her baby voice in New York. Not only did she interrupt Stacey’s time with Brad (I think it was Stacey) but she did it by whimpering “I’m sorry” like a toddler who’d woken up in the middle of the night after wetting the bed. And it got worse! She refused to back down when Stacey said they’d only just sat down (and Brad, of course, did nothing to resolve the situation) and then when Stacey finally conceded she stuck her arms out and said “Hug?” What. The. Hell??? Are you two?

Next Brad moved onto Britt, who’d confided in him that he makes her nervous because she, like, totally has a crush on him! For all of Britt’s claims that she’s a prude (her words) or that she’s super shy, she certainly hasn’t shown any sign of nerves when she has the chance to make out with Brad. As they were kissing, though, Annoying Ashley snuck up on them like a tiny, creepy Peeping Tom. And thus began the ride into Crazytown.

Annoying Ashley told Brad that she was “retracting”, which was a weird way of saying that she’s withdrawing. Brad basically begged her to stay, which is exactly what she was trying get him to do, and next thing you knew he was about to give her the rose in front of everyone. And then came the best moment of the night. When Brad joined all the women in the hot tub to hand out the rose, Ashley piped up with “Uggghhhhh, AWKWARD!” Brad looked like someone had punched him in the face, and then cleverly asked Ashley to explain her moronic behavior. She looked stunned, and the other women reveled in what was then a truly awkward moment. After a pathetic, stammered excuse, Brad mumbled something about changing his mind and pulled Britt aside.

Ha! That? Was hilarious. Not only did Ashley make herself look like an idiot, but she also lost the rose. The real loser in the situation, though, was Britt – it was pretty obvious she wasn’t Brad’s first choice, and that can’t feel good.

While the women were on the Group Date From Hell, a card arrived announcing that Michelle would be going on the last one-on-one date. Chantal, who is worth having on the show just for moments like this, quickly pointed out that Michelle’s card just said “Let’s hang out” while all previous date cards had used the word “love”. Michelle panicked while the other women bathed in the moment, and then Chantal brought it home with a casual and snide “Oh, it’s probably nothing.” Score one for Chantal.

The next morning, Michelle was all ready for her one-on-one date until she noticed that she was not the center of attention in Casa Chlamydia over breakfast. Everyone was still talking about Annoying Ashley’s emotional meltdown! The nerve! It was Michelle’s day, guys! Didn’t the get the memo that any day ending in a “y” is Michelle’s day? You’d better watch out, or she’ll give you a black eye with her elbow. (I bet she’s a great mom.)

Michelle was already pouting when Brad arrived at the house, but the really put her sour face on when he asked to have a private moment with Annoying Ashley before they left. The way Michelle reacted, it was as though he’d asked if it was alright for Ashley to tag along. Michelle gave him the most terrifying look of poisonous rage I’ve ever seen, and then shrugged and said “No problem!” Oh yeah. We all bought that, Michelle. Of course as soon as Brad was out the door, Michelle was whining that Ashley had hijacked her moment with her emotional drama. Chantal pounced, pointing out that it was exactly what Michelle had done during the first group date. Score another one for Chantal!

Finally, Moody Michelle and Brad were on their way. Michelle, of course, made a big deal over how everyone was talking about Ashley all morning but, you know, she’s fine with it. If it’s so fine, Michelle, why are you still talking about it? When Brad apologizes, just say “Oh yeah, no problem, I didn’t mind at all. So, what kind of food do you like?” Oh right. You can’t do that because you’re crazy.

Brad took Michelle to their first destination, and just as she was saying how she’d be thrilled to stay there all day, a helicopter showed up and she freaked out. Um, really Michelle? Have you never seen The Bachelor before? Of course you were going to go on a helicopter. And guess what? It gets better! The helicopter dropped them off on top of a skyscraper, which they’d have to rappel down in order to eat dinner! After throwing just enough of a fit to make her seem like a hero when she got to the bottom, Michelle rappelled down the building. I mean, come on. We knew the whole time she’d do it. There’s no way a woman like Michelle would pass up the chance to take part in an activity that she can brag about later. I just hope this doesn’t mean Brad will fall for her – the couples who go on death-defying dates always seem to end up together. Jake and Vienna, Ali and Roberto…OK, those are all my examples but you see what I mean.

The rest of the date was as annoying as you’d expect. Michelle told Brad he doesn’t belong with any of them women, only her. How shocking! I expected her to say that she thought he and Chantal made a really cute couple.

Since Brad can’t make a decision without discussing it with his therapist first, Dr. University of Phoenix Online stopped by to talk feelings. (Seriously, Harrison? I’d start updating my resume if I were you.) He told Brad that he shouldn’t feel guilty about kissing several women in one night. And why should he? In fact, why not just sleep with them all as well?

Brad then headed to the cocktail party, where he tried spending some time with the women who didn’t get dates this week. Shawntel told him that their “thing” now is that she jumps into his arms. Cut that one loose, Brad – keeping her is like signing up for a life of throwing your back out. Then Brad took Emily for a little picnic on the wet, hard concrete in the courtyard. The ladies went nuts. Sure, they were all fine with him dating and kissing other women, but a picnic?! That’s a deal breaker.

The one who took the picnic thing the hardest was Chantal, who was brought to tears by the injustice of it all. Darn. After all her shots at Michelle this week, Chantal was looking like a good choice for my favorite. But the crying? Please. It was a picnic, get over it.

Brad’s choices were surprising. I thought he’d dump Stacey for being a cheater, and then a couple of the girls who we never see. You know, the cutie with the curly hair and the one who reminds me of Parvati from Survivor. I was hoping he’d cut Annoying Ashley, but after all the time and energy he spent reassuring her of their connection, I knew that wasn’t going to happen.

After everything was said and done, he cut loose Cheating Bartender, Texas Rose and Brunette Busy Phillips.

In case you don’t have access to the inner workings of my mind, those women were also called Stacey, Lindsay and Meghan. I was surprised. Brad said some nice things to Meghan during their alone time that evening, so I thought he’d keep her. And I thought he’d at least give Lindsay a one-on-one date before cutting her since she’s from his home state.

Next week the group heads to Vegas and the producers get even more mean and manipulative by sending Emily on a NASCAR-themed date. Like the private plane wasn’t enough! They are really determined to make that poor girl cry, aren’t they?

What did you think of the episode? Will you forgive Chantal for crying since she’s so mean to Michelle? What’s more annoying – the way Brad says “Assley” or the personalities of both women named Ashley? And are you concerned about Chris Harrison’s shrinking responsibilities?