Is this ABC’s way of punishing Brad Womack? If so, the plan is brilliant. Three years ago the guy goes on The Bachelor and opts for not proposing to anyone over following through with a ridiculous showmance. So they tell him he’s America’s Villain,offer to let him do another season, and make him deliver a two-hour long apology to basically every single woman ever. They guilt him into absolutely definitely positively picking a wife at the end of the ludicrous process. And then they go to Crazytown to find all the potential soulmates. 

Seriously? Some of these girls are completely wack. There’s Melissa, who just has to get one-on-one time with Brad because she bought lots of expensive new clothes and even QUIT HER JOB…as a waitress. Probably at the IHOP. And it’s very competitive there. Whatevs, girl. Call me when you give up your job at Facebook to do the show. But the fun didn’t end there – we also got glimpses into the damaged psyches of Michelle – who, I don’t know if you heard, but just turned thirty – and Raichel, who cooked up some drama of her own. 

Chris Harrison brought the ladies their first date card, which announced that Ashley H. would be getting the first one-on-one date. Ashley S. said she was super bummed that the other Ashley was getting alone time with Brad. Say what? How is it worse that the other Ashley got the date rather than, say, vampire girl? Is it against the rules to keep more than one Ashley around past the second week? 

You might remember from the premiere that Ashley H. is a dentist who also likes to dance around in tube socks and underwear. This week she added to the list of reasons why I will never, ever let her touch my teeth by wearing a dress made of tulle and sequins. What is this girl, 16? Is she the dentistry version of Doogie Howser? How is this woman a dentist? 

Brad took her down an abandoned dirt road and led her through the woods which might have been scary if, say, you were on your first date with a rather questionable eHarmony match, and not on a date with one guy and an entire camera crew documenting your every move for a popular network television show. Nonetheless, Ashley squealed her way through the woods until the got to flip a switch that lit up an entire theme park. That’s when things got scary. An abandoned theme park in the middle of the woods, complete with a giant, creepy clown face? Yeah, I read that Goosebumps novel and it didn’t end well. 

Brad and Ashley skipped around the amusement park (who doesn’t love riding the Zipper in a strapless party dress?) and left me thinking “Hmmm, what’s more sickening – eating a giant cotton candy and then riding in the Tilt-a-Whirl, or them?” (Who am I kidding? It’s totally them.) Then it was time for Serious Conversation, so Ashley opened up about her deadbeat, drug addict, homeless father and Brad…well, Brad looked like he’d just seen the crazy clown head eat one of the camera guys. Seriously, three years of therapy and he still can’t hold a conversation? I knew that shrink looked like he got his diploma from Phoenix online!

Finally, Brad opened up. Well, vaguely anyway. Brad discussed (again) his deadbeat dad and his previous inability to open up to people. Then Ashley said what was perhaps the most intelligent thing anyone has ever said on any of these shows: “My fear is that you feel obligated to choose somebody.” Dingdingdingdingding! Someone get that girl a giant stuffed panda, because she hit the nail right on the head! Then they went back to mindlessly riding the Ferris wheel and eating junk food. 

At the end of the date, Brad mused that “I like this girl. I like this girl a lot.” Holy. Crap. This dude is trying soooo hard to fall in love that he constantly sounds like he Googled “Falling in Love for Dummies” and is just rattling off the recommended phrases like a robot. Then he said “This is the best date I’ve been on in years.” Hmmm…perhaps in three years? Perhaps the best date you’ve been on since the last time ABC footed the bill? Yes sirree, fast cars and dinky carnival rides sure do beat taking girls to tip cows back home in Texas! Finally, Brad confessed “I told her things that I haven’t told many people in my life.” Um, what? There wasn’t one thing he told Ashley on that date that I hadn’t already heard from either him, his brother, or his therapist during the opening sequence of the show last week. But I guess he must have read that people falling in love share secrets with one another. 

You know what sucks? Turning thirty. It is like, the worst. I would rather poke my own eye out. Or drink arsenic. Or go on a date with, like, one dude and fourteen other women. No, scratch that – I’d complain endlessly about that one too. 

Well it’s a good thing I backed out on my plan to drink every time someone said “thirtieth birthday” last night, because if I hadn’t I don’t think I’d be making it to work the next day. How many times did Michelle mention that she was spending her thirtieth birthday on a date with fourteen other women last night? It must have been at least 29…no, maybe 31 times…or maybe THIRTY. Holy. Crap. That woman is incredibly annoying. Why are Crazies always named Michelle? My apologies to any readers named Michelle, or any readers with daughters or mothers or friends named Michelle. But unless you’re stocking up for a shortage of narcissistic and crazy bee-yotches who end of on The Bachelor, I’d refrain from naming anyone else Michelle. 

Brad took Michelle and 14 other women (who included Twilight, Rockette, both Chantals, both Crazies, Cinderella, and a bunch of other people) on the worst date ever – making a porno! Oh wait, no. It just looked like a porno. In actuality, it was the worst ever PSA for the Red Cross. I didn’t think it was possible for me to hate the Red Cross, but Brad and his posse of skanks managed it. Since when is acting a date? Oh right. Since the Bachelor/ette franchise producers figured out that writing “and then you passionately kiss” into a script is a great way to create some drama. 

Some of the scenes, like one where Brad was portraying a Spanish soap star named Gustavo, called for the girls to kiss him. So the girls kept messing up their takes so they could keep kissing him. Sure, it was a little awkward. But the other girls could have, you know, talked amongst themselves. They weren’t being forced to watch. But watch they did, until something (voices in her head?) inspired Melissa to hijack the scene and lay one on Brad herself. Classy! The other kissing scene called for self-proclaimed goody-two-shoes Britt to kiss Brad while rolling around on a bed with him and another girl. At the last minute Britt decided to just “be another person” (or as some might say, “act”) and really go for it. And go for it she did – Little Miss Perfect must have had her tongue down the guy’s throat for a good three or four minutes. 

What’s a girl to do when it’s your thirtieth birthday and everyone is too busy squirming with discomfort at the sight of their pretend boyfriend kissing another woman to pay attention to you? Why, you storm off the set! And then, just for kicks, tell the camera that when you and said pretend boyfriend kiss, fireworks will erupt from your heads. Or behind you. Or something. Throw in some Crazy Eyes to boot! That was either a really conceited description of Michelle’s own kissing abilities, or a not-very-subtle suggestion to producers for her first one-on-one date. Then, when Pretend Boyfriend comes out to “check on you”, pretend to be really embarrassed about the scene you made. 

At the cocktail party that evening, Michelle and Brad get some more alone time. Which she used to (possibly drunkenly?) critique him. “You have walls” and “I feel like we need to dissect you” are not sentences guys usually want to hear on the first date. Or any date, for that matter. Meanwhile, Manic Melissa and Raichel the Manscaper spent the evening arguing. About what, I cannot say. Perhaps they were both gunning for the crown of Craziest In The House, unaware that Michelle was secretly vying for it as well. In any case, Brad gave the rose to Michelle. Was it just because it was her thirtieth birthday? I think so.

Jackie got the final one-on-one date this week, and if you’re like me, you had no idea who she was. Apparently she’s the girl who sang (ugh) but I’m goingt o try and overlook that because she seemed kind of cute. First they went to a spa, because nothing says romantic like getting to know a guy while you have mud on your face. Then Brad led Jackie to a room for what he described as the ultimate Pretty Woman date. Um, Brad knows that Pretty Woman is about a prostitute, right? Anyway, what followed was essentially my dream date. You know, minus Brad Womack. My dream date. Jackie had her hair and makeup professionally done had her choice of beautiful gowns to wear. And she got to wear diamonds. Seriously, I wouldn’t have even gone on the date. I would have just stayed and played dress-up all night. 

Brad and Jackie went to the Hollywood Bowl for dinner, and Brad was shocked – shocked! – to find out that Jackie had only ever had two boyfriends. She never dated in college! Never! That’s the whole reason you GO to college! OK, while I’ll admit that it’s a little weird that she never had a boyfriend during all four years of college, I think Brad might have overreacted a little. He used the same surprised face he used when Chris Harrison trotted out Deanna and Whatsherface last week, only this time it seemed genuine. He also read way too much into her limited dating experience. It went something like this:

Only two boyfriends ever = she chooses men cautiously = she’s not ready to “open up” to me = the odds of getting this chick into the fantasy suite in a few weeks are very low = I might have to end this now

Brad summed up the conversation by saying something along the lines of “I’ll give it a shot if you do”. Wow. How romantic. You could practically see the subtitles underneath saying “I don’t think I’m getting any from you, but I’ll tough it out a little longer because you’re pretty hot.” 

Then Train came out to do a private concert and literally every guy in the band looked as though he wanted to kill himself. I was seriously worried that the drummer would just shove one of his sticks through his eye. These guys had the number one downloaded song on iTunes in 2010! What were they doing there? Or as my mom said, “Which guy’s girlfriend is a huge fan of this show?” 

Here’s a question. When one is at a private concert, is it appropriate to yell out requests? Because I totally would have been all “Play Drops of Jupiter!” and “Play Freebird!” 

I’ll have a Venti Decaf Pumpkin Spice Latte, please, with a shot of RUDE

Oh good, it’s time for the cocktail party at Casa Chlamydia! (Or should I re-christen it Casa Crazytown?) Let’s all make a toast! Che-and Michelle cuts in before Brad can even get the “ers” out because she has some super-important questions for him. Forget the fact that Brad hadn’t even finished giving his toast. Forget the fact that Michelle had already gotten one-on-one time and a rose. She needed to ask him if he preferred Starbucks or The Coffee Bean, and she needed to ask him NOW. Cinderella said it best when she told the camera “To be honest, I don’t really care where he gets his coffee.” 

Luckily, the rest of the women were too busy mediating a catfight to notice that 30 Rock (Michelle) had jacked their alone time. There was arguing. There was a lot of “You’re fake!” “No you’re fake” and “Just walk away!” “No you just walk away” going on. And then there were tears. So. Many. Tears. I didn’t think it was possible, but they actually made the girl with fangs look normal. Or at least, less crazy. Miss Manscaper (who was dressed like Snooki in an incredibly revealing black dress – those breasts were seriously distracting) actually said something about how she’d get a rose and Manic Melissa wouldn’t because Jesus was on her side. For real? If god is watching The Bachelor then he and I have some serious problems. I can only worship deities who watch Mad Men or The Wire. 

Pretty soon Brad got wind that drama was brewing (brewing like a cup of his favorite Starbucks coffee?) and sat down with each girl. Each girl was crying. Each girl said that she’s, like, totally never like this. And each girl made him look incredibly uncomfortable. If I had to give out a Crazy Award though, it would go to Melissa for disclosing that she ate four pieces of onion-covered pizza and had bad breath in the midst of her rant about how mean Raichel is. 

Luckily, Ali and Roberto stopped by Casa Chalmydia to help Brad weed out the losers. What good luck! If anyone knows inane household drama and girl-bashing on The Bachelor, it’s Ali Fedotowsky. It was nice to see Ali hadn’t changed. Her hair was still messy, her dress still unflattering. They helped Brad give out the Cocktail Party Rose, which went to Cinderella. I like Cinderella, but it’s getting kind of weird that she hasn’t told Brad that she has a kid. The longer you wait, the weirder it gets. Just ask dude from last season, who waited forever to tell Ali his tragic tale of a battle with mold.

Finally it was time to hand out the roses. Chantal, Sarah (who?), Alli, Kimberly, Shawntel, Stacy, Ashley S., Madison (Twilight), Lisa, Marisa, Megan, Lindsey and Britt all got roses. Both crazies and the Rockette were kicked (get it? get it?) out of Casa Chlamydia.

OK, Keltie the Rockette’s departing words made me kind of sad. Props to her for not getting all vindictive and blaming the guy, but come on – you had to feel bad for her as she listed all the ways she’d tried and failed to find love. (Although her comment that she’d tried dating people at work had be curious. Who did she date? Other Rockettes? Maybe Brad would have kept her around if she’d disclosed that.)