The Bachelor: La Vida Loca

Brad and the ladies headed to Costa Rica on The Bachelor last night, and they brought plenty of crazy with them. If girls weren’t shrieking and throwing glasses of Diet Coke at bugs, then they were pouting over not getting a rose or the fact that someone peeved off Brad.

Did anyone else wonder if maybe ABC cheaped out and sent these folks to Costa Rica during the off season? Because I always imagined Costa Rica looking like this but instead it looked like this, this and this. I’m just saying, they’re going to South Africa later this season and from what I saw, Costa Rica in no way compares. Now let’s just hope they don’t hit my beloved Cape Town during the rainy season as well, because that would be a travesty.

OK, all the ladies were put up in a resort that overlooked a steaming volcano, which you know was chosen just so that bloggers like myself could make clever metaphors. So insert your own here. Instead, I’m just going to suggest that maybe it would have been fun to throw Michelle into the volcano. You know, just for kicks.

Yes, Chantal O. was selected for the first one-on-one date, and that sent the darling Michelle into a jealous, hypocritical rage. She just doesn’t understand how Brad could like someone like Chantal, OK you guys? Chantal is, like, soooo aggressive and egotistical, and Michelle is, like, the total opposite! Really, though? I just need one woman in the house to slap her in the face and scream “Snap out of it!” How does she not understand that she is perfectly describing herself? Oh, right. She’s either delusional, or she’s an actress.Of course there is also the distinct possibility that Ms. Money is a delusional actress. I like that theory.

 Kiss the Rain

Chantal had a lot of pressure riding on her date with Brad because he’d given her so much crap about her one teensy little meltdown from last week. Um, seriously Brad? Have you met Michelle? Her entire existence on the show has been one big meltdown! Your relationship has begun in the nagging, we’ve-been-together-so-long-that-we-hate-each-other-but-will-never-break-up, sadistic/masochistic phase.

So Chantal had to make sure she brought her fun side to the date, which is totally hard when you’re zip-lining in Costa Rica. Oh no wait, I have that confused with when you’ve been arguing over what couch to buy for three hours and then you find out your credit card doesn’t go through and then you lock your baby in the car and then it starts to rain. That’s when it’s hard to keep it fin and light. Zip-lining during a romantic, exotic vacation is a breeze.

Because ABC cheaped out and sent them to Costa Rica in the off season, it rained during the zip-lining and then again during their romantic picnic dinner. Brad and Chantal like to think that rain is “their thing”, rather than just a thing that happens in the rain forest. They escape indoors, where Brad gives Chantal a white shirt to wear. No pants? How convenient! Brad gave Chantal the rose, and I was left convinced that there was more to this date than we saw…

Don’t Go Chasing Waterfalls

Jackie, Michelle, Emily, Ashley, Shawntel and Britt were selected for the group date, which meant that Alli would be going on the one-on-one. Before that even happened, I knew Alli wouldn’t be coming home. But first we had some major Michelle Money drama to sit through.


The date was rappelling, which you might remember as the activity Ms. Money and Brad engaged in during their one-on-one date. Some sort of pact was made about never rappelling with anyone else ever, so when Michelle found out that everyone would be doing their thing she was furious. Because it’s OK for Brad to date, kiss, touch, love, etc. other girls, but rappelling? That is crossing a line, mister!

Michelle stood around shooting eye daggers at Brad while everyone else rappelled, but Brad couldn’t tell because by now he thinks that’s just Michelle’s normal face. Then she tried to beat him up, so he told her that he was keeping his promise by rappelling down with her. He made it look like he was keeping their pact, but I think the real reason they went at the same time we because he was worried she might try to cut his rope when he was midway down. Just sayin’, the girl has serial killer eyes.

The group date was concluded, of course, with a hot tub party. Because in Bachelor land, there is no other way to party. Michelle said something obscene about what shirtless Brad made her want to do (please be jump into a volcano, please be jump into a volcano) and spent her alone time with Brad chastising him for keeping Chantal around. How has Brad not gotten the clue about what life with Michelle would be like? Come home ten minutes late? Dagger eyes. Leave dirty socks on the floor? Dagger eyes. Hug your hot cousin? Dagger eyes.

Brad’s alone time with the other women didn’t go as well. Jackie was bummed that he didn’t rappel with her because she was so scared, and Brad is immediately on the defensive when she brings it up. Then Emily tells him that she’s sabotaged every good relationship that’s ever come her way. And then the highlight of the evening happens – back at the temporary Casa Chlamydia, Chantal teases the entomophobic Alli with a beetle, and Allie screams and throws her drink at both Chantal and the big. And it perfectly punctured the awkward silence of Brad and Michelle spending time together. Nice one, Alli!

Since Michelle was being a nutjob her usual self and the mood was generally low on the date, Brad decided not to hand out a rose.

Hasta La Vista, Alli

For Alli’s date, Brad arrived with a family of ponies. Yep, you read that right. Not one pony. Not two ponies. A family of ponies. And yeah, I might have squealed a little. But I’ve always wanted a My Little Pony! Brad and Allie took off on their tiny ponies while two baby ponies trailed behind them, and they head to a cave. Because really, what could be better for a girl with a fear of creepy crawlers than a dark, dank cave? I have a major fear of bugs, so I felt Allie’s pain. I would have gone full on Elaine Benes in that situation. (“WHAT’S THAT ON MY LEG?!?”)

Spiders and bats set the tone for Alli’s date from the beginning, and it never quite recovered. They headed to dinner and while it seemed like they were having a pleasant enough time, it was more like a real date than a Bachelor date. Brad complained that they were making small talk. Has Brad ever been on a first date? That’s what they are. Small talk. But there was just no connection. Alli (who’s 24) talked about having been to Europe and Africa, and Brad (who’s 38) said that he’s old and likes to stay close to home. Or something to that extent. Then Brad talked about how great his hometown of Austin is, and Alli agreed…and then said something about how people from big cities think they’re cool and special but they’re not. Um, OK. She knows that Austin is a major city, right? Then much like the date itself, the table they were eating at began to sink and Brad cut his losses and sent Alli packing.

Mad (Michelle) Money

As Brad was hanging out in his hotel room mourning the loss of Alli, he heard a knock at the door. Hola! Crazy has come to visit!

Michelle had dropped by to predict the order in which all the other girls would be eliminated. Oh, Michelle. It’s such a thin line between psychic and psycho, isn’t it? Brad was clearly irritated, since Michelle is ALWAYS mad at him and she’s ALWAYS talking about the other girls.

If I were Brad, I would have sent Michelle home then and there. So this leads me believe one of two things. One, Brad is an idiot. Two, Michelle has been planted by the producers and he’s not allowed to send her home. Of course there is also option three, all of the above, which is my favorite.

Among the things Michelle told Brad were “I was pissed at you a lot yesterday” and “You frustrate me sometimes.” Brad’s response? “I can’t do anything right.” Wow, this seems like a great relationship in the making.

Pity Party

After the roseless group date, sending Alli home, and Michelle’s stunt, Brad’s mood was low at the cocktail party. He mentioned that he’d taken some crap about not giving out a rose at the group date and all the girls immediately pounced. They traded insights like a game of Clue and concluded that Michelle must have snuck off at some point to chastise Brad. Ding ding ding ding ding! Michelle eventually admitted that, yes, she’d gone to visit Brad, but she promised the girls that she hadn’t gone running her mouth off about them.

I’d call Michelle out on the lie, except that she also delivered it to Brad…who was there. So it’s really more of a delusion. She told Brad (who, again, was there) that he’d practically begged her to discuss the other girls and predict the order in which he’d eliminate them. “And I said ‘I don’t want to talk about the other girls’,” she whined. “This is your journey.”

Oh, also Chantal took the opportunity of having a rose already to tell Brad that she’s fallen in love with him. Things can only end badly for this one.

After all this, I wish I could say that Brad sent Michelle home, but we all knew that wouldn’t happen. He gave her the last rose as a sort of punishment, but it was Jackie who was sent home. To be fair, though, I don’t think it would be possible for Brad to cut Michelle without making previous arrangements to enter into the Witness Protection Program afterward.

What did you think of the episode? Do you hate Michelle as much as I do? Do you think she’s a shoe-in for the finals? Have you removed “Visit Costa Rica” from your bucket list yet?


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