It’s that time of year again, folks! Yes, The Bachelor is back and once again I am saying to myself “Why do I watch this?” And then I sit on the couch for two hours rolling my eyes and laughing at my own snide comments and think “Oh, this is why.” 

This season’s lucky guy is Brad Womack. Like me, you might vaguely remember Brad as the dude who didn’t choose anyone. If you’re like me you feel indifferent toward him. Or, apparently, you’re in the majority of people who remember your disappointment and outrage over his choice vividly and feel complete and utter betrayal that those trustworthy and righteous people over at The Bachelor franchise dared to let him have another shot at love on such a successful and serious television program. 

If you’re one of those people then last night’s episode was for you. 

OK, for realsies? Last night’s episode was a two-hour long apology and image rehab session. Judging by the way the show went about easing America into trusting Brad Womack again, you’d think he was Tiger Freakin’ Woods or something! Let’s recount what the dude did:

And for this, he must pay.

First we were convinced of how lonely Brad was after he made that horrific decision with lines like “But for Brad, nothing would EVER be the same” and “That moment would change his life forever.” Then they had to convince us how truly sorry Brad was, with statements like “I felt like a jerk”, “What’s wrong with me?” and best/worst of all “I found an incredible therapist and really analyzed my phobia of commitment.” 

Are you kidding me?! All this because he didn’t propose to someone on The Bachelor? It didn’t even end there. He said since the show he’d started suffering from panic attacks. He talked about the damage done to his psyche because of his deadbeat dad. We actually met his freakin’ therapist, who gave him the seal of approval to once again take part in the show. Jeez, what with the new attitude towards life, the massive tattoo on his back and the even more massive muscles, if I didn’t know any better I would have thought the guy was in prison for the last three years, not exile. And then before he met the girls, Brad had to apologize to the two women he humiliated three years ago. According to my mom (a Bachelor expert), Brad had already apologized to Deanna on a previous show and she was not nearly as icy as she was this time.

As if the opening package wasn’t enough, we then had to deal with the reaction of each and every girl as she got out of the limo and confronted Public Enemy #1. The way these girls acted, you’d think they’d just found out they were signed up to be wooed by Jesse James. The first girl out slapped him in the face! Of course we all saw this coming because ABC promos the heck out of this show, but still. Uncalled for, much? 

As the girls trotted out in their skankalicious satin dresses, Brad apologized to each one and begged her to stay long enough to give him a chance to explain. By the time all 30 girls had given him the stink eye and then hugged him to make it better, I was exhausted. And I was sitting on the couch eating chips and salsa. 

OK, let’s talk women. We got to know a few of them early on. There was a dentist, a mortician and a “manscaper”. (FYI, girl? You’re an esthetician. “Manscaping” should not even be a word, let alone an occupation.) Then there was Vampire girl, who actually had fangs in her mouth (permanent or not? this was a hot topic of debate in my house last night) who was totally creepy and will be called “Twilight” from here on out. We also met a girl named J. Not Jay, J. Like the letter. My guess is that it stands for Juvenile. Then there was a girl who looked like a brunette Busy Phillips who called herself a “fashion marketer” and wore a gaudy pair of pink shoes that looked like something I would have worn to my seventh grade prom. Better shoes were the ruby-red sequined Mary Janes worn by some girl from Kansas who will now be referred to as Dorothy.

The most fascinating story of the night came from Emily, a 24-year-old event planner at a children’s hospital. She met her One True Love when she was fifteen years old, and at nineteen they got engaged. He was a race car driver. She was a Disney Princess. OK, that part is made up. One day he had a race to go to, but she stayed home because she was feeling ill. His plane crashed and everyone was killed. She was heartbroken, and then she found out she was pregnant…

OK, it’s a really sad story and I don’t want to mock it, but…seriously? Did Jodi Picoult write her life story? The girl looks like Cinderella, plans events to raise money for sick kids, and has a heartbreaking backstory. I hope she can sing because American Idol  would eat that up. 

After meeting each girl for about 15 seconds, Brad told Chris Harrison that his wife was “absolutely” there. You know why? Because if he doesn’t end this process with a proposal he’ll have to flee America! Brad Womack is back and he’s ready to settle! He’ll find a wife in there if it freakin’ kills him! 

Inside Casa Chlamydia the girls were pretending to be furious with their selected hunk. So furious that they all left! Oh wait. Nope. They all stayed. I guess they weren’t that angry! Seriously, though, couldn’t they have just shown that opening reel to all the girls? It could have saved him a lot of time. Instead, poor Brad had to sit down with each and every girl and deliver yet another apology/explanation. He didn’t do anything wrong! And he really didn’t do anything wrong to them. What, they’ve never dumped someone before? It wasn’t a cocktail party, it was an inquisition.

Also, are these girls stupid? Anyone who wanted the first impression rose should have steered clear of the obvious questions and just asked him what kind of food he likes, or talked about what a cool city Austin is. And just like I predicted, the first impression rose went to the savvy girl who told him she wanted to be a friend he could talk to during this whole crazy process. Well played, my dear.

Other girls did not fare so well. Little Miss Manscaper actually brought along a pot of hot wax to the party and tore a noticeably large patch of hair off poor Brad’s arm. Twilight lounged around on the sofa and tried to look mysterious by showing off her fangs and refusing to answer any questions about herself. One girl sang an improvised song that was more giggles than lyrics, and another lady in a tacky blue dress followed Brad around like a puppy dog, “stealing” him away from every other girl he sat down with. 

Is it just me, or did thirty women seem like more than usual? Maybe the producers are so desperate for Brad to find someone that they increased the pool. Here are some other women Brad met:

So who else besides the sweet, nameless Southern girl who wants to be his BFF got roses last night? Among the 19 other women were Single Mom (and woman, not little girl) Michelle, Twilight (Madison), Cinderella (Emily), Manscaper (Raichel), Rockette (Keltie), Busy Phillips (Megan), Dorothy (Lisa), Bootylicious (Allie), Wicked (Staci) and Slapper (Chantal). 

What do you think, were there any surprising eliminations? Were you as shocked as I was that he kept Twilight around? Do you think he kept Slapper just because he didn’t want to look like a jerk, or because he’s a masochist? And did you notice that the girls’ ages weren’t put up on screen? I thought maybe it was because they were mostly all older (after all, Brad is 38 – a little long in the tooth to be on this show), but I checked out the website and only five of the 30 women were 30 or older – and the oldest was 32. 

So, are you going to watch this season? Do you think Brad is a changed man? Do you care?