The Bachelorette – Can you dodge a rock?

977683_10151958591842846_1434991468_oOh, guys. You should not be watching this crap, that’s for sure. Two hours! Two hours of men and their little emotions. Lucky for you, I’ve watched it so you don’t have to.

Here’s my weekly take on The Bachelorette!

Date #1 – Group Date

For the first “date” this week on The Bachelorette, ten guys met up with Des for a testosterone and jealousy fueled game of dodgeball. Man, these early group dates are dumb. Too bad I’m not single – maybe I could round up a few male suitors on eHarmony and get them to attend recreational badminton with me! I play mostly with the elderly.

The worst part of the date wasn’t watching a grown man writhe around in pain thanks to a hurt finger. The worst was listening to the guys assess each play of each game like they were playing in the Olympics.

Brooks was the guy who broke his finger playing dodgeball. I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that all injuries are different – because I broke my finger playing basketball in the eighth grade and I didn’t whine. In fact, I jumped for joy that it meant sitting out of gym class for the next several weeks. It was a blessing!

At the cocktail party, Brad told Des about his three year-old son. Cool. Des seems open to kids. Then he told her about his alcoholic ex and their dispute that led to a domestic violence arrest for him. Awkward. Even if he was just trying to prevent his partner from driving drunk and even if it was a total mistake, that’s a hell of a lot of baggage.

Chris took Des up to a helicopter pad on the roof, which he “found” when a producer whispered in his ear “Hey Chris, won’t it be romantic if you take her up to the roof?” I laughed when Chris said he thought he’d get the rose, but Des did give it to him. Then the two “enjoyed” a private concert. I’m sorry, how can anyone really enjoy that? It looks so uncomfortable! I wouldn’t be able to dance while someone sang directly to me. I’d feel too pressured to look super into the music.

The best part of the night was when Brooks showed up to the party straight from the hospital in his ridiculous dodgeball outfit – socks, headband and all – and told Des “It’s not that big of a deal, it’s just a broken finger.” HA! That’s rich, coming from a guy who was basically in tears.

Dramz Alert!

Des was just sitting around in her weird, flesh-toned leggings when Chris Harrison called. Shocking news! The villain they’d cast for the season had been revealed! It is a hilarious joke that the Bachelor(ette) producers thing people will believe that it’s a surprising when this stuff is revealed.

Des went to the house for her date with Kasey and instead pulled Brian aside. Chris Harrison had told her not to let the schmuck get away with this! As Brian was telling Des that his last relationship was over, Chris Harrison arrived with Stephanie – Brian’s girlfriend. Ooooooooooh! Someone’s in trouble!

My second-favorite part was how Stephanie spoke hysterically, as though she were crying, but there were no actual tears on her face. You know, wet stuff. My *favorite* was when Stephanie said “I did throw rocks at you… because, you’re a jerk.” What a winner! I read today that they want to bring Bachelor Pad back – let’s cast Stephanie and Brian! Des sent Brian home, obviously.

Drew was very distraught over the news that Brian had screwed over a single mom in coming on The Bachelorette. Oh man. This guy has, er, emotions. It makes me uncomfortable. I wonder if he’d feel better knowing that the single mom at least threw some rocks at the guy?

Date #2 – Kasey

For the first part of Des’s date with Kasey, they “danced” on the side of a building. It was like artistic rappelling. Later, they tried to have a romantic evening on a rooftop but the wind suddenly picked up. You know what I do when bizarre, cold winds blow in? You know, when it’s so disruptive that you can’t even have a conversation? Jump in the pool! Inside is for suckers.

Des gave Kasey a rose, but even she admitted that the date was off.

Date #3 – Group Date

Oh great, a hick-themed group date. This time, five guys met up with Des for an old-timey country and western themed date. Why does every group date have to involve theatrics of some kind? I could never be The Bachelorette because I hate dinner theater too much.

The guys would be doing movie stunts, and also assisting in some product placement for The Lone Ranger. There was some kind of competition, and Juan Pablo won. He got to enjoy a barnyard private screening of The Long Ranger, which looks incredibly bad. Johnny Depp as Tonto is… uncomfortable.

Later the “group” portion of the date continued, and everyone had drinks around a campfire. When Des spoke with James one-on-one, he told her that his dad is sick and he wanted to know that she was really into him if he was going to stick around. Des immediately ran and got him the rose, which didn’t make the other guys happy.

Pool Party + Rose Ceremony

Instead of a cocktail party, Des decided to have a more casual daytime pool party with the guys. Things heated up when Ben spent some time in a car with Des before the party, and then told the other guys that he hadn’t had any alone time with her. Man, these guys can be princesses. They can’t stand to be lied to one another! You’re so fake! You hurt my feelings! Waaaaah!

The saddest part of the day was when Drew told Des “I’m falling in love with you,” when he’s talked to her, like, maybe three times. But he thinks about her all the time! Yeah, that’s because he has no job to think about, no friends to hang out with, no family to talk to. This entire situation has been designed for you to think about Des 24/7, buddy. You’re not special.

Ben, the house villain, did get a rose. Of course! There was no suspense. Of course the show wouldn’t get rid of two bad guys in one week, and Des doesn’t even know that everyone hates Ben yet. No one of any interest was eliminated – Brandon and Zak W., I think? Brandon acted like the saddest person in the world, but it was totally for the cameras. “I can’t even cry… I’m just out of tears.” Good excuse, friend! Get that one trademarked.

Next week everyone moves to Atlantic City, a classy place to fall in love if I’ve ever seen one. Looking forward to it.

Let’s Discover: Call & Answer

A.M. Homes wins the 2013 Women’s Prize for Fiction