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The Bachelorette: Cheers to tears!

There were a lot of tears shed on The Bachelorette on Monday night, and none of them by the Bachelorette herself, Ali Fedotowsky. Nope, it was the bachelors vying for her attention who kept breaking down and bringing out the waterworks. When I spoke to ousted bachelor Craig M. last week he said he thought the best three guys there for Ali would be Kirk, Roberto and Chris L. And I’ve got to hand it to Craig – the guy might be a jackass, but he’s a perceptive jackass. Those three guys definitely left an impression on Ali this week.

Fallin’ for You

Roberto got the first one-on-one date this week, and he must have been disappointed that it wasn’t some sort of lesson. After all, he’s taught Ali to salsa dance and throw a baseball thus far. Ali showed up to the house dressed as though she was in the middle of doing her laundry, but the date was not “GTL” either. Instead, they grabbed a helicopter to the roof of a nearby skyscraper, where Ali informed Roberto that they were having dinner together…on the roof of the adjacent building.

For a chick who hates flying, Ali sure does a lot of it. But even in the helicopter, as Ali suffered through yet another experience she had chosen to subject herself to, they seemed to have a connection. The first part of their date was to walk across some high wires to the other building – to see if Roberto was ready to “fall for” Ali. Why do the producers of these shows love to equate completing a daring act with being able to survive marriage? How someone acts whilst bungee jumping or walking across a high wire does not represent how they will continue to handle pressure throughout life! I should know – I did the highest bungee jump in the world and was completely and totally calm. Ask me to kill a wasp in the house? Total. Meltdown.

Ali and Roberto made it all the way across the highwires, obviously, because they were rigged so that they couldn’t fall. Roberto must have known that, because he had Ali lean in for a kiss halfway through and then said comforting things like “I’ve got you” when she pretended it was possible to fall. Roberto must have watched The Bachelor last season and realized that kissing in a crazy scary situation makes people fall in love.

Out of his League

Throughout the dinner, Ali was completely infatuated with Roberto. And who wouldn’t be? The guy is super-good-looking, speaks a bunch of romantic languages and has lots of interesting travel stories to tell. Frankly, he’s too good for Ali. What is he even doing on this show? Ali seemed to think she same thing, because she actually wondered if she was pretty enough for Roberto. Did she really want an answer to that? Really?

Roberto, shockingly, seemed to be equally infatuated with Ali. “Do you know how cute you are?” he asked her. Unfortunately for viewers, she does. That’s what makes her so annoying. Of course, Ali gave Roberto the rose as they snuggled together under the stars. Unless this guy is the one who has a girlfriend back home or something (and aren’t we all assuming that’s going to be Justin?) Roberto will be in the finals. They’re so into each other it almost makes me sick.

Run, Runaway

Next up was a group date that was going to rock somebody’s world. I’m not sure who’s world was going to be rocked. What I do know is that it wasn’t Kasey’s, and was he ever bummed. “I would’ve loved to have gone and sung and showed Ali my voice a little bit. I’d love to sing her a song from my heart,” he said. Not only does Kasey speak as though his jaw has been wired shut, but he is turning out to be quite the creep. And next week’s medical mystery only makes him seem even creepier.

It turned out that the rocking was going to be done to the Barenaked Ladies in a desolate area of L.A. One of the guys thought it looked like the kind of place where a gang fight could break out at any moment. Um, not with “One Week” playing. After some really awkward dancing (I love watching guys try to dance without partners) they Ladies announced that Ali and her dates would be shooting the music video for “You Run Away”. Cue ridiculous analogies comparing the lyrics of the song to how the guys feel about Ali.

If You Wanna Know, If He Loves You So, It’s In His Kiss

Each guy would have a different scene with Ali for the video. It was all kinds of awkward, because none of these guys are actors and they all wanted to impress Ali. No one was more awkward, though, than the one guy who actually had experience in front of the camera – Weatherboy. Weatherboy worked himself into a blind panic about the fact that he had to kiss Ali during their scene in the library. Craig R. tried to convince him that it was just like doing a forecast, but with kissing. Where is good old Steve when you need him? He was pretty good on pep talk duty last week when he had to convince Weatherboy that he looked good in his Speedo.

Weatherboy tried to weasel out of the kiss by telling Ali he would understand if she was uncomfortable and wanted to bail on it. Nope, she was totally up for it! First Weatherboy just tried kissing her neck, but everything about the scene was so awkward it made me blush, and Weatherboy started to crack under the pressure. Well, actually no. He started to CRY under the pressure. Seriously? He couldn’t hold it together? Honestly, it was embarrassing. Ali took the reins and gave him a big, passionate kiss on the next take. Chris L. knew what was going on and told the camera “This was a big day of firsts for the Weatherman. First kiss with Ali, first kiss in a music video, first kiss ever…”

If Weatherboy couldn’t handle the heat in the library, just imagine how he would have managed if he’d gotten Kirk’s bedroom scene. Up until Kirk’s scene I really had no idea who he was, other than that Craig M. thought he was a front runner. But clearly he and Ali have chemistry, because they rolled around in that bed and made out waaaay past the shout of “Cut!”

Kiss, Interrupted

At the following cocktail party there were moments both tender and cringe-inducing. First Ali pulled Chris L. aside, and she asked him about that horrific tattoo that had been exposed during the video shoot. (Look, the story was sweet but the tat was ugly. Don’t hate me for being honest.) He told her it was his mom’s signature and that his family was really close, and finally (FINALLY) told her that his mom had passed away last year. It was obviously difficult for Chris to talk about (and there may have been more crying) but it was important to Ali that he “open up” and they seemed to really connect. Or they did until Weatherboy crept up and interrupted.

Ali and Weatherboy had some awkward alone time where they talked about his epic fail during the video shoot, and then he asked Ali “Do you wanna go somewhere and maybe have a real first kiss?” Ew! Go somewhere? Go where? Weatherboy is so weird and awkward and nervous, he actually makes me uncomfortable. Where was he going to take her? I wouldn’t have gone. I’ve seen Oprah. NEVER go to the second location! Lucky for Ali, they were interrupted before she could answer.

The guys got really jealous during Ali’s “alone” time with Kirk, which they were all watching. I love how “one-on-one time” on this show means making out together in a hot tub while several other guys look on and talk about how unfair it is. Eventually everyone jumped in the pool with them, except for poor Justin who couldn’t get his cast wet. I was hoping the rose would go to Chris L. because he’d “opened up” to Ali, but instead it went to Kirk for opening up his mouth.

Rated R for Romantic?

The next day at the mansion, Justin was feeling bummed out that he hadn’t gotten any alone time with Ali, and was feeling whiny because of how his cast was holding him back. So he took matters into his own hands and just walked over to her house. I’m not really sure how long it took him (especially on crutches) but if it’s not that far then I’m shocked that it’s never happened before. I know the guys were pissed, and I thought it was a bad move to lie about it later, but Justin’s move was brilliant.

The funniest part was the shot of Ali doing a confessional video outside her house as we saw Justin limp up the driveway. How much do you want to bet that Ali was actually just hanging out (she looked like she was dressed for the gym) and then as the camera crew got the word that Justin was nearing her home they dragged her outside for a confessional. RIGHT NOW. IN THE DRIVEWAY. To magically catch Justin’s entrance and Ali’s reaction.

Ali was impressed that he’d limped all the way there for her, and he made good use of his time with her as he showed her childhood photos and talked about the women in his life – his grandma, his mom and his sister, you guys. No mention of his (alleged) girlfriend.

The way Justin handled himself after he returned to the dude’s mansion was less admirable. In fact, he was a pretty huge jerk. He didn’t tell the guys what he’d done – I would have owned up to it right away – and instead went out of his way to lie about it. He talked about how it sucked that Hunter’s date was starting so late (which was in part because of his surprise visit), how he would “climb mountains” for Ali, and how it would take him a couple hours to (hypothetically…) get to her house on crutches.

Hunter gets Shot Down

Ali showed up for her date with Hunter wearing the same just-on-my-way-to-pilates outfit that she’d had on all day. I get more dressed up for my non-televised dates with my long-term boyfriend, so the lack of effort was not a good sign for Hunter. They went back to her place for a low-key date where they barbecued (apparently for the entire crew – how much food can one couple eat?) and relaxed in the hot tub. The time they spent in the hot tub was really awkward. Conversation didn’t flow easily and it was clear Ali wasn’t into him. In fact, it seemed as though she was panicking at the thought of having to send him home. Ali told him she wasn’t feeling a romantic connection and wouldn’t be able to give him the rose. He asked if there was anything he could do to change that. What? What did he think the answer would be? “Yeah, maybe if you clean the bathroom for me and give me a neck massage I could be persuaded to keep you around”?

Justin continued to act like an ass at the mansion when a mysterious hooded figure came to retrieve Hunter’s bags. He did everything short of calling Hunter’s cell to sing “Told ya so, told ya so!” and blow a razzie into the phone before hanging up.

Drinks and Drama

At the cocktail party before the rose ceremony, all the guys were scrambling to grab some one-on-one time with Ali. Chris L. spent his wisely by finding common East Coast ground with Ali and talked about oysters and flip-cup. Apparently they are both really good at the drinking game. It was funny to watch Kirk and Frank bond over how someone else was making a connection with their girlfriend. “Why are we watching this?” Kirk said. I was about to ask the same thing!

My favorite underdog, Steve, set up a little picnic for him and Ali outside the house. It was super cute, but it got embarrassing when Steve couldn’t get the champagne bottle opened.

All the other guys in the house were taking part in a rant about Justin, led by Ty. There’s something about this Ty guy that I don’t like. Maybe it’s the combination of the Southern accent and the vendetta he has against Justin. Justin walked up to the group, overheard the conversation and asked who they were talking about. After a few awkward moments of crickets, Roberto stepped up to the plate and said “We’re talking about you.” Cue more tears! Justin wept alone by a fountain about how no one likes him while Roberto went to talk to Ali about how no one likes Justin.

While cuddling and talking to Roberto, Ali revealed that Justin had actually walked up to her house the day before. She thought that all the guys knew and was conflicted about her feelings for Justin. She was seeing a different side to him than the other guys did. The comparisons to Vienna from last season were obvious, and she knew it. What she didn’t acknowledge was what a jerk she’d been to Vienna all season. Why doesn’t she see what a hypocrite she’s being?

Everything’s Coming up Roses

Ali had to eliminate two guys at the rose ceremony – she’d already eliminated Hunter and had given Roberto and Kirk roses. The first name she called was Chris L. and I knew he’d be called first. Next up was Jesse, who stood out like a sore thumb in his denim shirt and jeans. Then she called Chris N. Who is Chris N.? Was he even there during the rest of the show? Then she called Ty (who sounds like Forrest Gump), Kasey (who sounds like he has marbles in his mouth), Craig and Frank.

She had two roses left, and I was sure they belonged to Justin and Steve. Weatherboy was SO awkward the whole episode, I thought there was no way Ali would keep him around. But no, the next rose went to Weatherboy. Can she really see herself with that twerp? I knew my boy Steve was out once she called on Weatherboy, and I was right. Much to the dismay of the other guys in the house, Justin got the final rose and it was curtains for Steve and John C. I actually didn’t really know who John C. was, other than the fact that his eyes were too far apart. Poor Steve. Was he too short for her? Weatherboy is even shorter!

The scenes from next week look exciting. Kasey will sing a song from his heart and then return to the house with bandages on his wrists. Very suspicious. I’ll leave you with a couple of questions about the dudes’ mansion:

  1. Why was there a mouse in the mansion? Did ABC put them up in a foreclosed home or something?
  2. Why are there so many crumbs on the floor? Couldn’t ABC spring for an intern and a Swiffer?
  3. How did those guys expect to catch the mouse? With their bare hands?

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