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The Bachelorette: Danger Zone

I’m disappointed. When The Bachelor/Bachelorette host said that this season’s bad boy Craig M. would kill all the good will Canadians had earned with the franchise, I was expecting something really crazy. I was expecting him to hit someone, or have a girlfriend, or tell Ali he didn’t want to date her unless she could learn to brush her hair. But Craig M. didn’t receive a rose last night, so he went on The Bachelorette and all we got to see was him in a lousy purple shirt.

The second episode of The Bachelorette this season saw two guys score one-on-one dates with Ali, a bunch of guys go on an awkward group date and three guys get left home. Personally, I’d hope to be one of the three guys who didn’t get a date – they get automatic guilt roses!

Hollywooooood, Hollywood Swingin’

Frank got the first individual date. I remembered Frank from the first episode as jumping out of the roof of the limo and coming across a little too eager for my taste. Oh, and he quit his high-paying corporate job to “move” to Paris and write screenplays, then came home and moved in with his parents so he could continue writing screenplays whilst managing a retail store. I’m starting to wonder if “Writing Screenplays” is actually just the name of some really obscure video game.

When Frank and Ali scooted off in a cool vintage convertible with Ali driving I crossed my fingers that Ali would be a better driver than her nemesis Vienna, because neither Ali nor Frank seemed to be wearing a seat belt. What for? Those old cars are perfectly safe! Within 30 second the car had sputtered to a stop on the side of the freeway. I assumed this was rigged – some kind of test to see how Ali’s date would handle stress. I’m cynical that way. But nothing really seemed to come of it, so maybe the show’s producers really did just give them a lemon.

I didn’t love the part of the date where Ali pulled a Jon Gosselin and wandered down Hollywood boulevard with her date, signing autographs and posing for paparazzi photos. Who in the name of all that is actually famous would want the autograph of someone starring on The Bachelorette? But the part where they hung out under the Hollywood sign (was that sponsored by Hugh Hefner?) was pretty cool, as was the picnic on the hood of the then fixed car.

When I Grow Up, I Wanna Be…

Frank and Ali did seem to have a good connection, but there was a glaring problem will prevent me from rooting for him. He’d made it seem like he’d actually lived in Paris to write. Then he revealed that he was actually there for a month and a half. Six weeks! He has not lived in Paris, he went on vacation there! That’s not even enough time to get an apartment! Or find the best coffee in the city! Here’s the other problem: As “awesome” as Ali seemed to think it was that he quit his job to write and currently lives with his parents and manages like, a Sheets ‘n’ Things or a Gap or something, she is also not working. She quit her job to do the show. ONE OF YOU NEEDS TO BE WORKING! If he proposed at the end, would the next question be “So, should we live with my parents or yours?” Ridiculous!

Ali was really into Frank by the end of the date, but Frank was scarily into Ali. It’s been one date! Whatever happened to “Yeah, she seems great”? Instead it’s all “How will I ever be able to stand watching the love of my life go out on dates with other men tomorrow?” Ali gave Frank a rose, which meant he would already be safe at the next rose ceremony.

Calendar Guys

This show proves that it’s not just women who get catty on reality TV – the dudes brought the claws out too. Especially Craig M. In fact, both Craigs stirred things up in the house. this week. Craig R. said he didn’t trust Justin the “Rated R” Wrestler because at the first cocktail party Justin had said he’d worked in gym management and real estate and didn’t mention entertainment wrestling. There were more “Rated ” quips and Craig R. tried to lawyer Justin into admitting that lying to everyone except Ali is still dishonest. I don’t dig the whole wrestler thing, but Justin doesn’t seem that bad.

Craig M. was really picking on Weatherboy, and much to Weatherboy’s dismay both dudes would be part of the group date with Ali. The “date” ended up being a photo shoot. Will someone please break the news to this show’s producers that a photo shoot is NOT a date? It’s a job. A job for much prettier people than Ali and her beaus. The photo shoot was actually for a “sexy guy” calendar for charity. Isn’t it great that they’re giving back to Nameless Good Cause? I really felt bad for Justin, who struggled all the way down the beach on his crutches only to hear Ali exclaim “Let’s go change!” and have to struggle all the way back up again.

It was pretty funny to see half the guys forced to don itsy-bitsy Speedos and Euro-trash bikini bottoms, though. Steve, my sleeper pick for the season, came across pretty well during the group date.

He’s good-looking, charming and seems like a nice guy. He even gave Weatherboy, who’d been given a very unfortunate swimsuit to wear, a dose of self-esteem. Poor Weatherboy was freaking out over the tiny black bikini bottoms he’d been given, but Steve assured him “You have great legs. You have a great ass.” Unfortunately, Weatherboy’s legs and ass weren’t the sources of his low self-esteem. “I don’t have, like, a huge…” stuttered Weatherboy. I was hoping he’d finish out that sentence with “ego”, but nope.

Everyone seemed to bring their personalities to the photo shoots. Craig M. brought his Jackass-iness and posed with a cigar and a drink and a sweater tied around his neck. Ty brought out his Tenley-ness and serenaded Ali on the beach. What, did he bring his guitar? Who brings a guitar everywhere? I will never see the romance in being serenaded. Not by someone who isn’t a professional singer, anyway. If it ever happens to me I will just laugh.

Two’s Company, Twelve’s a Crowd

Ali and the guys left the beach for (yet another) cocktail party and Ali sat in the basement where guys came to her one by one and told her secrets. Or at least that’s how it seemed. First up was Ty, who confessed that he was recently divorced. Ali seemed to appreciate his honesty (or she dug that awkward serenade) and gave him the rose for the evening. Weatherboy spent his time with Ali telling her what a jerk Craig M. is. Oh no, sorry – how “dangerous” Craig M. is. Come on, Weatherboy! The guy is a total douche, yes. His nickname last week was McDouchey. But he’s not dangerous, he’s Canadian. What do you think he’s doing, hiding a gun in his perfectly blow-dried hair? Ali, of course, ate up the gossip. The girl worked for Facebook and spent all her time last season talking about Vienna. Gossip is her middle name.

Ali also got pretty up close and personal with Justin, although it seemed like that was after a few glasses of wine. “I like you,” she murmured. “Do you like me?” Um, Ali? There are like, 15 guys living in a house right now vying for your affections. You do not need to ask them if they like you. It’s supposed to be a given.

Wakin’ Up In Vegas

Jesse got selected for the second individual date of the episode, and he totally got the best one – a trip to Vegas! At first, I thought “Jesse who?” but then I remembered he was the guy whose tattoos Craig M. had mocked. Ali automatically seemed really into Jesse and didn’t even notice what a crappy job he did comforting her on the plane. He was more interested in looking out the window than holding her hand! Apparently Jake did not cure Ali of her fear of flying, and based on the promos we’ve seen (Iceland! Spain! Tahiti!) she’ll be spending a lot of time breathing into a paper bag this season. From the private jet that Ali and Jesse took to Vegas, they got into a red Ferrari. Pretty awesome transportation so far this season!

First, Ali and Jesse hung out by a pool that had been shut down just for them. They ate oysters and she reminded him “this is an aphrodisiac” and he told her that without the lemon “it would probably taste like ****”. Next, Ali and Jesse enjoyed a private dinner where they bonded over being from small towns. Finally, they headed to a nightclub…which had been shut down just for them. So to recap: Private jet, private pool, private dinner, private dancer. I mean dancing. So they went to Vegas and NEVER SAW ANOTHER SOUL THE WHOLE TIME. Where was the gambling? Where were the showgirls? Where was Bradley Cooper? For all I know, they were in an L.A. movie set the whole time.

Still Ali, seemed pretty into Jesse. “I like this tie,” she cooed to him. It was plain black! Jesse also got a rose. It seems like Ali is taking the opposite approach to the show than Jake did. Jake cut girls left and right, sending home anyone he didn’t sense was his soul mate. Unfortunately, that turned out to be Vienna, but I respected that rapid pace he sent the wrong girls packing in the beginning. Ali just seems thrilled that all these guys actually like her. Does she not date much in real life or something? She has fifteen guys vying for her affection, she doesn’t need to throw herself at them!

Jerks and Jocks

Vegas was a dud, but the real excitement was happening back at the house. Craig M. decided to put on Weatherboy’s purple shirt and white jacket (and some inexplicable short-shorts) and mock him. The whole thing was Grade A Jackassery, but instead of rolling with the punches weatherboy was rattled. “Who knows what diseases he has?” he complained. Don’t get me wrong – Craig M. is a total jerk. The staring other guys down, the weird maniacal laughing, the mean comments meant to egg other guys on. But the best thing to do with a guy like that is ignore him, and instead weatherboy took the bait. He also kept calling him a “jerk-off”. What are we in, 1995?

At the cocktail party before the final rose ceremony, things got weird and tense. When Chris L. scored some alone time with Ali, she once again asked about his family and he once again failed to mention that his mother is dead. What’s the deal there? He seems like a nice, good-looking guy. He could be someone I could root for. But it’s getting weird – it’s not like your mom passing away is something to be ashamed of, but the longer he leaves it the weirder it gets.

Kasey, who hadn’t gotten a date that week, managed to say about four words to Ali before Frank (who already had a rose) interrupted them. Oh well. Considering the four words that Kasey got out were “You look absolutely imaginary”, I don’t think he has very good odds. Frank had interrupted to tell Ali how much it was killing him that other guys were dating his girlfriend. I really don’t like Frank. Neither did the other guys, since they looked over and saw Ali kissing him.

Roberto continued to impress Ali and stand out from the crowd – this time he told her about how he’d played baseball and invited her for a game of catch. It’s a little weird how he teaches her something every time they get some alone time, but he’s pretty handsome and charming so I’ll let it slide. Unless their first date involves a math lesson or something.

Once again, Weatherboy warned Ali against Craig M. and his “dangerous” personality. Gee, the way he focused so much on one negative person instead of conveying his own personality during the scarce one-on-one time really reminded me of someone…oh right.

Ali confronted Craig M. about all the accusations but didn’t tell him who’d made them. The whole scene was really awkward – did Craig M. even look her in the eye once? Ali wanted to know if he even liked her or wanted to get to know her, and his response was a string of words that didn’t form one complete sentence. The gist was that he wanted a one-on-one date with her to prove the accusations wrong.

Once he was back with the guys, Craig M. had no trouble forming sentences. He called all the guys together so he could confront them about the accusations. Craig M. knew it had been Weatherboy, and Weatherboy knew it had been Weatherboy, but Weatherboy wouldn’t admit to being the one who’d told Ali that Craig was dangerous. Bad move – I would have just owned up to it. “If Craig M. gets a rose tonight, I will know for sure that there is no God,” Weatherboy declared. I’m sure God will be thrilled to hear that people gauge his existence based on the results of reality television.

A Rose is Just a Rose

Finally, it was time for Ali to hand out the rest of the roses – Frank, Ty and Jesse were all already safe. Three guys wouldn’t be getting roses, and they turned out to be Tyler V. (who?), Chris H. (again, who?) and Craig M. I was surprised for a few reasons. I felt there were two possible explanations for Craig’s behavior:

1. He was planted by the producers to stir things up, cause drama and see who would take the bait. (Weatherboy did). It would explain the crazy, over-the-top attitude and the actor-worthy hair.
2. He was a coke addict.

If Craig M. was a plant, I would have expected him to last at least one more round, so drug addiction is it! I was also surprised that Weatherboy made it through, because of his annoying, neurotic personality.

Oh, Craig M. How I’ll miss you. The guy was a major jerk, but he was kind of entertaining and occasionally said things I was thinking. Especially the final gem he left us with: “You can’t be serious with someone who’s shorter than you.” Well said, Craig M.!

It looks like there will be more drama next week – it looks like the other guys might take Weatherboy’s lead and realize the way to Ali’s heart is through gossip. If that’s the case, it could be curtains for my nice-guy pick Steve.

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