The Bachelorette – Funny Business

Screen Shot 2015-05-26 at 1.58.26 PMYes, yes, I am writing about The Bachelorette again this season. I caught up on the first two (TWO!) episodes when I returned home this weekend, albeit in a rather antibiotics-induced state of exhaustion. All the guys always look the same to me on the first night, but this was a new low.

The first episode focused on the Britt vs. Kaitlyn showdown, which was super uncomfy. I was glad that Kaitlyn won because I think she’ll make for better TV, but the whole competition was just icky.

Britt obviously thought she’d be the bachelorette, and was crushed that she wasn’t chosen. This week, the show followed up with her tearfully calling her mom from the hotel room. Then, a knock on the door! Gee, what good timing. It was Brady, a guy who’d been way into Britt and left the rose ceremony to chase after her. At the end of the episode, we saw that Britt and Brady had already been boyfriend and girlfriend for a whole week! I mean, that’s longer than a lot of other Bachelor-universe relationships.

Group Date #1 – Knockout

These early group dates are always so lame. For the first one, a group of guys met up with Kaitlyn for some boxing lessons and sparring matches. Ugh, why must The Bachelorette always include one instance of using physical violence to win a woman? Wrestling, boxing, etc. It’s so archaic. But this is The Bachelorette, I should expect nothing more. I fast-forwarded through the fighting.

Afterwards, Kaitlyn had conversations with a bunch of the guys, including one who’d had to go to the hospital after the boxing matches. Great. Cool. Ugh. Ben got the date rose.

Date #2 – Under The Sea

Kaitlyn picked Clint for the first one-on-one date. He seems like a fun guy – he presented Kaitlyn with  hilarious drawing of Chris Harrison riding a dinosaur on the first night.

Kaitlyn and Clint did an underwater photoshoot for their date – you know, as one usually does. Pretty typical. The photos were…not great? I mean, they’re not professional models and they were under-freakin-water. Kaitlyn obviously likes Clint a lot, and gave him a rose.

Back at the house, Tony was rubbing a lot of guys the wrong way. That guy is weird – there’s always one, right?

Date #3 – Laughable

The next group date involved Amy Schumer and a comedy club. Ha! Can you imagine if Amy Schumer had had to hang out with Britt? I can’t imagine those two having anything in common.

Amy Schumer had great things to say about JJ – “He’s just missing charisma, humility, and a sense of humor…maybe when he sees the show he’ll reflect on himself and not be such a turd.” Haha! Can Amy provide color commentary every week, please? She nailed it.

I don’t like comedy club dates, but at least it provides more opportunity to show personality than a boxing date. Chris the Dentist was pretty funny, and ALSO showed humility by making jokes about how not funny he is.

Tony, meanwhile, told the camera that he felt like he’d been training for this his whole life. His set was just a lengthy speech, which did not include a single joke.

Kaitlyn bonded with Joe “Well I’ll Be” Kentucky, who told her that he didn’t even talk to Britt and would’ve tried to pursue her even if she weren’t the bachelorette. That’s the way to a bachelorette’s heart! But, she gave the rose to obnoxious JJ, the guy Amy Schumer hated, who won her over by talking about his daughter. JJ was most pleased about receiving the rose because it would allow him to watch all the guys suffer during the rose ceremony.

Rose Ceremony

As soon as the rose ceremony began, JJ grabbed Kaitlyn for a private conversation. There’s a great way to make some enemies! If I were Kaitlyn, I would have just said no.

Kaitlyn chatted with Ian before the rose ceremony, and learned about the accident he was in that left him pretty battered. I like Ian, even though we haven’t seen much of him yet.

Kaitlyn had an awkward conversation with Kupah, who basically approached her to discuss whether he was being kept around as a token minority. Ooof. It was an uncomfortable conversation, but a totally fair thing to be concerned about. It seemed like Kaitlyn felt kind of attacked, and she said she’d felt a connection with him early on but didn’t anymore. Yikes.

As soon as his conversation with Kaitlyn was done, Kupah recapped it for the other guys. Kaitlyn could hear every word. “I’m sorry, but I’m gonna have to let you go,” Kaitlyn told him. How very Donald Trump! It was like she was firing him. He was pissed and said he didn’t want to go home because “I think you’re hot.” Uggghhh, ouch, buddy. That’s not how you win a lady back.

We got a total crap “to be continued”, showing Kupah getting really angry over being booted off the show. Ugh, seriously? You had TWO HOURS Bachelorette. You could have fit everything in.

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