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The Bachelorette: Rated R for…Rascal?

There aren’t a whole lot of “R” words that mean jerk, cheater or slime-bag. Which perhaps is why the other dudes on The Bachelorette had such a hard time insulting Justin after his big, unforgivable and completely unsurprising secret was revealed. Their insults were more along the lines of “Rated R? More like Rated Get The Hell Outta Here!” or “His shirt should say ‘liar’!”.

So let’s talk about Justin, because Monday night’s episode started out with his big secret being revealed. If you hadn’t already heard that Justin was the guy with another girlfriend, then I commend you. It’s hard to avoid all the Bachelor/Bachelorette spoilers. Still, it was fun to watch the whole ugly incident even having known it was going to happen.

Oh Canada, the home of my girlfriend, untrue and hidden love…

The episode began with Chris Harrison knocking on Ali’s hotel room door. She knew something was up, because his presence is basically the reality TV dating show equivalent of receiving a visit from the grim reaper. He told her he had some bad news, and that one of the guys still on the show had a girlfriend back home. Without further ado, let’s call up Ali’s “friend” Jessie (and star of the upcoming Bachelor Pad) to get the dirt!

What was Little J’s connection to all this? Did they just bring her in to do the dirty work because she’s from Toronto? Does she actually know Justin’s girlfriend? Does she have a huge beef with reality TV dating and is trying to tear down the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise one scandal at a time? I mean, first she exposes Rozzzzlyn and now Justin. It’s like she expects reality TV stars to be honest or something. And why did she take SO DAMN LONG to answer the phone? Do the Bachelorette producers not tell you what time they’re going to call? Was she purposefully letting the ringing drag on to give viewers ample time to Google her and remind themselves who she is? What?

Anyway, Jessie had some news to reveal about Justin. In fact, she was sitting right their with HIS GIRLFRIEND! Once Snooki…I mean, Jessica…took the phone, she told Ali all the sordid details. She and Justin had been dating for about two years. He told her he loved her, he was gonna marry her, but he just had to go make out with a chick on TV for a while first. You know, to advance his wrestling career. So she helped him pick out his clothes and get his head shots, obvs. But here’s the best part – the reason this girl was tearfully confessing all this to the girl she was trying to help pull one over on was because she had recently found out that Justin had ANOTHER other girlfriend, and that one wasn’t even getting filmed! The nerve! I loved that he’d told his girl that he needed to make top three on The Bachelorette because those are the people who get all the fame. For reals? I can’t even remember some of the people who made the top three on American Idol, and that’s a show actually devoted to finding stars.

Boy, this season of The Bachelorette has not done Canadians any favors. It even sounds more sordid – “He had a secret CANADIAN girlfriend” sounds a lot more duplicitous than “He had a secret Texan girlfriend”. As a Canadian myself, let me clear up a few rumors for you:

  1. Contrary to popular belief, we do not all know each other. I do not, thank god, know either Craig M. or Justin. If Jessie actually personally knew Justin’s secret girlfriend, it was a total coincidence.
  2. We are not all cheating scumbags. At worst, the scumbag-to-decent-human-being ratio is the same as it is in America. But I have a feeling that overall, we have more nice people.
  3. We do have call-waiting, and most of us do answer our phones before the fourteenth ring.
OK, glad we got all that cleared up.

Whatta Man, Whatta Man, Whatta Man, Whatta Mighty Bad Man

I’ve got to say, I was impressed with Ali’s reaction. Based on how she’d acted when she left Jake for Facebook last season, I was expecting a colossal amount of whining, sniffling, bodily fluid and self-pity. (Though judging by the previews at the end of the episode, she’s still got all those things up her sleeve.) Instead, Ali chose to go the steely rage route – she marched right down to the guys’ hotel room and confronted Justin in front of all the other guys! “It’s been quite the road in getting here so far,” she told the guys. ”You know, Justin, I think it’s been especially difficult for you because you probably really miss your girlfriend in Canada.” (Again, love how the “in Canada” part was totally necessary.)

Frankly, Justin’s reaction was a tad disappointing. It was more fun to watch the other guys try and find an appropriate facial expression to portray. Because you know inside they were all singing “I told you so” songs. But they couldn’t look smug, so instead they all awkwardly tried to feign looks of surprise, sadness or outrage. Except perhaps Roberto, who admitted he’d actually bought Justin’s whole shtick. I didn’t think it was possible for me to love Roberto more, but I loved that – he wants to see the best in people AND knows how to admit it when he’s wrong? Just give him the final rose, already!

Anyway, instead of responding to Ali’s allegations Justin just got up and left. For reals. Just stood up and left. He didn’t even pack up his clothes. He walked out of that hotel with his passport, his wallet and not a shred of dignity. Things got better though – Ali wasn’t ready to just let him walk away from her. So she chased him through the hotel and the courtyard outside, shrieking things like “Is this how you want to go out?” and “Talk to me like a man!” She finally caught up to him and he snapped “Don’t touch me!” at her. Gee, that’s REALLY going to help his public image. After limping through some bushes to escape her, Justin decided to come back and have one last discussion with Ali. Not that he had much to say. Instead of manning up and fessing up, he tried weak excuses like “She’s just my crazy best friend who happens to be madly in love with me” and even worse, “It’s complicated”.

The pièce de résistance, though, was the producers playing the voicemails Justin had left for his Canadian girlfriend as he limped away. Hilarious! How stupid is this guy? Not only does he try to hide his girlfriend and his girl on the side from the producers of a reality dating show, but he also left messages specifically stating his duplicity. Or, I guess, how smart is this guy – the whole ordeal certainly made Justin one of the most memorable, though hated, guys from this season. If only this had happened BEFORE the cut-off date to get on Bachelor Pad.

I feel as though I could wrap up my recap here, because the Justin incident was one of the few interesting parts of this episode. But after Rated-R was booted from the show, Ali still had three dates to get through!

She Is Woman, Hear Her Roar


So, that afternoon, Ali and Ty spent the afternoon exploring Istanbul. Oh yeah, they had left Iceland and were now in Turkey. I’ve got to say, I’m loving the locations for this season of The Bachelorette. They usually go for tropical, touristy places like St. Lucia or Cabo. Turkey is somewhere that I would actually like to go. Ty and Ali went to a Turkish Bath, which seemed a little strange – were they even in any water? It seemed like Ali and Ty were hitting it off until dinner, when the conversation turned to Ty’s failed marriage and got a tad awkward. Ty talked in circles, but seemed to reveal that the marriage had ended because he was “traditional”. Here are the things he revealed: His mom had stayed home to raise the kids and his father had worked. He thought that was the only way things could be. His wife may or may not have worked, but that was a problem. Now he’s learned that women can work and can run companies and stuff. Basically it sounded like Ty grew up playing with the Barbie that said “Math is hard” and then received Dr. Barbie right before going on the show. I was hoping Miss I Chose My Career at Facebook Over Love would recoil at the idea of dating a guy who, deep down inside, wanted his wife to stay home but she didn’t. Ty got a rose.

Where’s Pop-Eye when you need him?

The group date was one of the worst I’d ever seen. First of all, poor Craig. Craig was the ONLY guy left who hadn’t gotten a one-on-one date with Ali, yet she chose to give Frank a repeat rather than give Craig his first shot. Instead he joined Roberto, Chris and Kirk on what seemed to be a man’s date from hell. The guys met up with Ali and had what appeared to be beer and fruit. I REALLY hope that wasn’t breakfast. Then a bunch of unattractive, olive-oiled up Turkish wrestlers showed up for a smackdown. A BIG fail on the part of the producers – they should have exposed Justin’s secret after this date. Who wouldn’t have loved to see the broken-legged “Wrestler” get his ass kicked by the extra-mean looking guy with the No Country For Old Men haircut?

The guys had to each fight a professional wrestler. And this was not just fun and games – it actually looked like people could get hurt! All of the wrestlers won their matches, and then the guys had to wrestle each other. The winner would get to have a mini one-on-one date with Ali. First Craig beat Chris and everyone was surprised. After all, Chris is a big guy and Craig is somewhat…doughy. Then Roberto took Kirk to town, so he had to face off against Craig for the date. And Craig won! Desperation can move mountains! The only cool thing about this “date” was the guys’ reactions. Chris said “‘Wrestling these greasy Turkish dudes in leather pants? This is not fun.” and ”Usually what I do with olive oil is dip bread in it or cook asparagus on the grill with it.” Oh, I love Chris. Craig (a lawyer) added “I fight with words, generally. It’s like my job” and the look on his face as he was getting beaten by the Turkish wrestler was priceless.

Poor Craig. I really like him. Sure, he’s not as good-looking or cut as the other guys. But he was one of the few who showed an ounce of personality. In fact, he was my third-favorite of the six remaining guys – after Chris and Roberto. Humor goes a long way in my book, and he was funny. But Ali didn’t seem that into him. Craig talked and talked and thought the date was going really well, but Ali barely said a word. It was clear he was going to get labeled “a really great friend”.

Magic Carpet Ride

Finally, Frank got the last one-on-one date. With Weatherboy gone, my hatred has really turned toward Frank. He’s just so damn annoying. He’s always analyzing. He spies on Ali when she’s with other guys. He doesn’t seem to understand the concept of the show. I just can’t stand the guy. They went to the famed Turkish bazaar, which looked incredible and really fun. I only wished she’d been there with someone else. The funniest part was hearing Frank’s insistence that he was not going to buy a carpet, as he and Ali were being shown rug and rug by a vendor, only to then walk out of the store schlepping a carpet on his shoulders.

Ali and Frank had dinner in a…well, I actually have no idea where they were. It was indoors (underground?) and wet, and they ate on a little platform. It seemed romantic. He rambled about how he wants to propose to a girl once in his life (is it on his bucket list?) and she told him that their relationship scares her. I seriously do not see the appeal in this guy. And I don’t think he’s good-looking. I’d spend a day with Craig and his sarcasm over Frank and his jittery earnestness any day of the week. Frank got the rose, which meant it was surely curtains for poor Craig.

But what’s a rose without champagne and awkward conversation?

I guess it was obvious to Ali who had to go home as well, because she chose to forgo the pre-rose-ceremony cocktail party and eliminate someone right away. What a slap in the face! It’s like saying “I find you so repulsive that there is literally nothing you could say to change your fate”. The producers tried to keep us guessing by showing us some footage of the guys saying that they couldn’t see Kirk and Ali together, but we all knew it was Craig who was getting the boot. He seemed kind of heartbroken – since he did all the talking on his date and thought it went really well, he thought he was surely getting a rose.

Judging by the previews, something is going to go down with Frank in the next couple episodes. I can’t wait – I would have hated to think that when Justin left he took all the drama with him. As the show continues, I continue to think that Chris is the right guy for Ali and that Roberto is the right guy for someone way more endearing than Ali. Who do you think the right guy is for Ali? And what did you think of the episode – was the Justin conflict all you’d hoped it would be?

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