If you don’t know who they are, then you’re not a true fan and I don’t know what you’re doing here. (Kidding! Kidding! Keep reading!) If you are a true fan, then I know what you’re thinking – how could this be true? They’d only been together for a mere four months! And only a few short weeks ago, they were looking happy, albeit trashy, on Dancing With the Stars! But I saw this coming. Back in March, when the spark was still strong, I questioned which would last longer – Jake’s relationship with Vienna, or his stint on Dancing With the Stars? Well, they outlived his dance career but not by much. With this news, I don’t know how Ali will possibly be able to go on. I mean, if Jake and Vienna can’t make it, what kind of chance do the rest of us have? And is it too late to get Jake and Vienna in the cast of Bachelor Pad this summer?
OK, let’s start talking about Monday night’s episode of The Bachelorette. Ali and the guys jetted off to Iceland, where their presence was so angering that a volcano actually erupted.
The guys each had an hour to write the poem. Seriously? An hour? I expected far better results after an hour. I knocked out this gem in less than a minute:
You’re so hot
Your hair’s always messy
and in a knot
Ali, Ali
I love you, I think
To prove it to you
I’ll get some ink
Ali, Ali
It’s you I’ll chase
to be with forever
Or ’til we do The Amazing Race
1. Sing
2. Write poetry
3. Wear matching outfits
4. Get tattoos
It turned out that Kirk’s big secret was that he’d moved into an old house, gotten really sick, and eventually figured out that it was from mold in the house. First of all, did anyone else in the house get sick? Just him? Because if everyone in the house got sick, that should have been a pretty big clue. Second of all, if he’s going to continue telling this story in an oh-so-dramatic way, might I suggest holding off on mentioning that he’d just moved into a really old house? It killed all the suspense. It would have been a much more exciting story if he’d opened with all the symptoms, and finished with “It turned out that it was because of mold growing in this old house I’d moved into”. I watch House. I know how to plot a medical mystery.
Anyway, Ali was so “inspired” by Kirk’s mold-defeating story that she gave him a rose.
I thought it was hilarious when all the guys approached Ali, who was clad in a massive snow suit and scarf, and said she looked “awesome” and “unbelievable”. Really? In that? After the horse riding, everyone had to get lowered into a giant cave. That, folks, is not my idea of a fun date. It wasn’t even a pretty cave. It was like a dungeon. “What’s going to happen next?” asked Chris L. “Play with snakes?” Still, Chris L. was lowered down first and scored some alone time with Ali while they waited for the rest of the guys.
After the dungeon, the group headed to the blue lagoon where Ali peeled off her snow suit to reveal a bikini. As though I’m supposed to believe that she had that on the whole time? “She’s as hot as I can imagine any girl looking,” marveled Craig. Someone needs to get Craig a copy of Maxim ASAP.
The rest of the date went as expected. Frank spied on Ali while she had alone time with other guys. Then Ali told Frank that he wasn’t reaching out for her enough during group dates. That’s because he’s watching you from the bushes! In the end she gave Ty the rose for being, like, just super helpful during the date.
Again, it seemed like a dud of a date. First, the threesome took a helicopter ride all around the erupting volcano. I have to say, had that helicopter got taken down by some volcanic ash I only would have mourned the loss of the pilot. Justin had gotten his cast off before the date, but he still had a brace or something on his leg. So how kind it was of the producers to send him on a date that involved trekking around a volcano.
Justin had psyched himself up for the date as though it were a wrestling match (and much like wrestling, this show is fake!) and led me to wonder – what’s more obnoxious, constant wrestling analogies or constant weatherman analogies? Still, when it was time for him to hang out with Ali alone he was a whole other guy. Unfortunately for Kasey, he just brought his own crazy self to his alone time with Ali. Her reaction when he showed her the tattoo was priceless. Obviously, Justin ended up getting the rose. If I wasn’t anticipating Justin being the guy who has a secret girlfriend back home I would have expected her to leave both guys on the glacier.
Speaking of being left on a glacier, why no exit interview with Krazy Kasey? So unfair! Was he too suicidal? Was he already booking his appointment for laser tattoo removal? What gives?
The funniest part of the whole cocktail party before the rose ceremony was when Craig pretended like he’d gotten a tattoo. I feel bad for Craig, because he’s only been on group dates so far. He’s not particularly handsome, but he’s really funny and I like him better than Ty, Frank and Justin.
And, inevitably, Chris N. was eliminated. “I’m at a loss for words, to be honest” he confessed in the limo. NO! Him? At a loss for words? The guy has about as much facial expressions and conversation technique as a carrot.
So that was the show, folks. It wasn’t the best episode, but Ali’s slowly weeding out the duds. I still think it’s looking good for Chris L., Roberto and Kirk. Or do you think she’ll choose no one and hook up with Jake now that Vienna is out of the picture? Let me know what you think, and remember – no spoilers!
