The Bachelorette: They’re as cold as ice

Guys, I have really bad news. Are you sitting down? Because it’s kind of a shock. OK, here I go. Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi have split up.

If you don’t know who they are, then you’re not a true fan and I don’t know what you’re doing here. (Kidding! Kidding! Keep reading!) If you are a true fan, then I know what you’re thinking – how could this be true? They’d only been together for a mere four months! And only a few short weeks ago, they were looking happy, albeit trashy, on Dancing With the Stars! But I saw this coming. Back in March, when the spark was still strong, I questioned which would last longer – Jake’s relationship with Vienna, or his stint on Dancing With the Stars? Well, they outlived his dance career but not by much. With this news, I don’t know how Ali will possibly be able to go on. I mean, if Jake and Vienna can’t make it, what kind of chance do the rest of us have? And is it too late to get Jake and Vienna in the cast of Bachelor Pad this summer?

OK, let’s start talking about Monday night’s episode of The Bachelorette. Ali and the guys jetted off to Iceland, where their presence was so angering that a volcano actually erupted.

What rhymes with Reykjavik?

Once the guys met up with Ali, they were told they had to write her a love poem and read it to her in front of everyone else. Apparently that was supposed to be intimidating or embarrassing or something, but the fact that these dudes are currently on a reality TV program trying to “find love” pretty much proves that they have no shame.

The guys each had an hour to write the poem. Seriously? An hour? I expected far better results after an hour. I knocked out this gem in less than a minute:

Ali, Ali
You’re so hot
Your hair’s always messy
and in a knot

Ali, Ali
I love you, I think
To prove it to you
I’ll get some ink

Ali, Ali
It’s you I’ll chase
to be with forever
Or ’til we do The Amazing Race

I think it would have won, don’t you? Some guys went the funny route with the poem (which, if you’re wondering, would be the only way to win my heart) but Ali seemed to go for the mushy crap. Frank impressed her, I guess because of all his love poem writing experience. Do people in real life actually write love poems? In my book, guys who write love poems are right up there with guys who “serenade”. Kasey mumbled his way through his (surprise surprise!) but I’m guessing it went something like “I promised to guard and protect your heart; so I went out and got this skin art”. It was Kirk who won Ali over, though, with his reference to her “rootbeer eyes”. Seriously? Rootbeer? If anything, I’d say they’re more like Diet Coke. That sounds romantic, right?

Secret love child? Stripping career? Nope. Mold.

So Kirk won the first date of the night, the only one-on-one date that would be given out. I was excited, because last week the producers played it like Kirk had a huge secret that he was hiding from Ali. Kirk and Ali’s date was pretty boring, actually. I think the highlight was being able to laugh at them for wearing matching sweaters. Matching. Sweaters. Now I have another thing to add to my list of annoying things people in love do.
1. Sing
2. Write poetry
3. Wear matching outfits
4. Get tattoos

It turned out that Kirk’s big secret was that he’d moved into an old house, gotten really sick, and eventually figured out that it was from mold in the house. First of all, did anyone else in the house get sick? Just him? Because if everyone in the house got sick, that should have been a pretty big clue. Second of all, if he’s going to continue telling this story in an oh-so-dramatic way, might I suggest holding off on mentioning that he’d just moved into a really old house? It killed all the suspense. It would have been a much more exciting story if he’d opened with all the symptoms, and finished with “It turned out that it was because of mold growing in this old house I’d moved into”. I watch House. I know how to plot a medical mystery.

Anyway, Ali was so “inspired” by Kirk’s mold-defeating story that she gave him a rose.

Dungeons and Donkeys

OK, that group date? Worst. Date. Ever. Roberto, Chris L., Chris N., Craig, Ty and “Frank the Tank” (what the hell?) all went on a group date with Ali, and though it was apparently Ty’s dream date I thought it looked more like torture. OK, the tiny ponies were awesome. But I do not want to ride tiny ponies with a bunch of guys! Anyway, apparently Ty fancies himself a cowboy and kept “helping” the other guys out along the way. I don’t know why, but I don’t like Ty. (See? More poems! I totally would have won the one-on-one date.)

I thought it was hilarious when all the guys approached Ali, who was clad in a massive snow suit and scarf, and said she looked “awesome” and “unbelievable”. Really? In that? After the horse riding, everyone had to get lowered into a giant cave. That, folks, is not my idea of a fun date. It wasn’t even a pretty cave. It was like a dungeon. “What’s going to happen next?” asked Chris L. “Play with snakes?” Still, Chris L. was lowered down first and scored some alone time with Ali while they waited for the rest of the guys.

After the dungeon, the group headed to the blue lagoon where Ali peeled off her snow suit to reveal a bikini. As though I’m supposed to believe that she had that on the whole time? “She’s as hot as I can imagine any girl looking,” marveled Craig. Someone needs to get Craig a copy of Maxim ASAP.

The rest of the date went as expected. Frank spied on Ali while she had alone time with other guys. Then Ali told Frank that he wasn’t reaching out for her enough during group dates. That’s because he’s watching you from the bushes! In the end she gave Ty the rose for being, like, just super helpful during the date.

Love and Lava

With the boring one-on-one and group dates out of the way, it was finally time for the dramatic two-on-one date with arch-enemies “Rated R” Justin and “Krazy” Kasey. One guy would come out of the date with a rose, the other would be left standing on a glacier. The stakes were high, and since none of the guys like Justin they all helped prep Kasey for the date. After all, he had that tattoo to reveal. “I got this tattoo to BE someone,” Kasey told the guys. To be who? A maniac? Mission accomplished!

Again, it seemed like a dud of a date. First, the threesome took a helicopter ride all around the erupting volcano. I have to say, had that helicopter got taken down by some volcanic ash I only would have mourned the loss of the pilot. Justin had gotten his cast off before the date, but he still had a brace or something on his leg. So how kind it was of the producers to send him on a date that involved trekking around a volcano.

Justin had psyched himself up for the date as though it were a wrestling match (and much like wrestling, this show is fake!) and led me to wonder – what’s more obnoxious, constant wrestling analogies or constant weatherman analogies? Still, when it was time for him to hang out with Ali alone he was a whole other guy. Unfortunately for Kasey, he just brought his own crazy self to his alone time with Ali. Her reaction when he showed her the tattoo was priceless. Obviously, Justin ended up getting the rose. If I wasn’t anticipating Justin being the guy who has a secret girlfriend back home I would have expected her to leave both guys on the glacier.

Speaking of being left on a glacier, why no exit interview with Krazy Kasey? So unfair! Was he too suicidal? Was he already booking his appointment for laser tattoo removal? What gives?

The Most Predictable Rose Ceremony EVER

You made a big mistake, Bachelorette producers. Having Ali only eliminate one guy at the end of the episode made it painfully obvious that the guy would be Chris N. He’d gotten the invisible edit all season, and Monday night’s episode proved why. The guy brought every conversation to a screeching halt! Did he actually say “I like Mexican food” when she asked him to tell her about himself? Even the guys watching them talk (because when isn’t Frank spying on Ali?) noticed that Chris N. and Ali lacked chemistry. “They may do brunch once a year, just to catch up,” they joked. I was shocked that Chris N. said he felt “100% sure” that he’d be getting a rose.

The funniest part of the whole cocktail party before the rose ceremony was when Craig pretended like he’d gotten a tattoo. I feel bad for Craig, because he’s only been on group dates so far. He’s not particularly handsome, but he’s really funny and I like him better than Ty, Frank and Justin.

And, inevitably, Chris N. was eliminated. “I’m at a loss for words, to be honest” he confessed in the limo. NO! Him? At a loss for words? The guy has about as much facial expressions and conversation technique as a carrot.

So that was the show, folks. It wasn’t the best episode, but Ali’s slowly weeding out the duds. I still think it’s looking good for Chris L., Roberto and Kirk. Or do you think she’ll choose no one and hook up with Jake now that Vienna is out of the picture? Let me know what you think, and remember – no spoilers!