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The Celebrity Apprentice: He’s "hired"!

Who wears a coat to their own live finale show? In June?

I was shocked to find out that Bret Michaels would be attending the finale. Obviously I was happy to hear he was healthy and out of the hospital, but I was surprised that he’d been cleared to attend. I was expecting a pretty awkward show without him – “firing” him would seem mean, but “hiring” him would (and still will, a little) seem like a decision made out of pity.

I kind of figured that Bret would win, since I’d heard via Twitter that “Trop-a-Roca” Snapple is currently available in stores. I hadn’t heard a peep about “Compassion Berry”.

The recap of Bret and Holly’s progress on the task up until now was almost as boring as last week’s episode. Will Bret find a dolly? Oh no, how can I even sleep with the anticipation of knowing the answer?

Hello, Dolly!

Bret, the “rock and roll MacGyver” that he is, improvised the dolly by strapping a camera to the cart. Still missing the track to keep the shot steady, but whatever. Ivanka was surprised that Bret did twice the work he needed to. He promised her that he’d go into editing and “work til I drop”. Eek. Literally, I guess. Bret experienced a few bumps along the way: he lost his script for the commercials; he said “discom-BOOB-erated” again; Summer didn’t understand his funny commercial; he didn’t care about the event launch the next day.

Holly seemed to have things under control when Ivanka visited, but Ivanka didn’t think Holly’s product showed much originality. And then we never saw her again. Or it seemed like it, anyway.

Some of the celebrities came out for the live finale. What was going on with Cyndi’s hair? Is she using it to house the gay community? And why was there no Sharon Osbourne? Was she off filming that talent show? (Goldberg was also missing, was anyone else?) Blago blathered on about how he was innocent and Michael said he thought otherwise. Later, when the rest of the celebrities came out we got to watch the clip of Maria talking about Curtis Stone’s crap again. Charming. Even though she thanked Trump for the opportunity, she didn’t bother to apologize to Curtis for the public humiliation. What a lovely girl.

Good thing Bret didn’t name his tea “Poison”

When Holly saw Bret’s poster she wasn’t very impressed. She said she thought it was risky that Bret would incorporate his own celebrity with the brand. The difference, Holly Robinson Peete, is that Bret actually is a celebrity.

Holly was first to make a presentation at the launch. I was disappointed that the launch was such a stiff, boring affair. They just made presentations, there was no personality. Holly’s “what’s your stuff” commercial wasn’t any funnier once it was put together than the clips were during last week’s show. I still don’t get it.

I liked how Summer and Darryl rocked some Bret Michaels cowboy hats for the launch. I didn’t like how Bret decided to rock an Ed Hardy shirt for the presentation. Bret! Ed Hardy is the official uniform of jackasses worldwide! What were you thinking? Bret was really wooden at first, but he lightened up midway through. His commercial was stupid, but not as stupid as Holly’s. Celebrities just can’t do commercials.

The funniest/most pathetic part was when Trump decided to get people to cheer for their favorites…with Bret and Holly standing right up on stage with him. When no one cheered after Trump said “Who liked Holly best?” a few polite, compassionate (berry?) souls in the audience threw her a bone and politely clapped. But the crowd went wild for Bret – and that was pre-life threatening traumas. I’d say we have a winner, folks – but there was still an hour left in the show. Oy.

If no one says “whore pit viper” then no one wins

For the final boardroom scene Holly had on a lovely dress. And Bret was in a suit – why wasn’t he wearing that for the presentation? Darryl went on and on about how he was physically exhausted and only had one kidney. So Trump gave him $25,000 for his charity. What? How did he deserve that? I thought Trump hated quitters! Also did anyone else notice that Darryl Strawberry has a strawberry-shaped birthmark on his head?

The boardroom was possibly the dullest I’d ever seen. Holly and Bret were so polite to one another! Things only got awkward when Trump demanded that Summer say whether she wanted Bret or Holly to win. Ooh, her team leader or her “Celebrity Apprentice BFF”? She wasn’t willing to say that Bret was a “good” project manager, just a “decent” one. I got her point – Bret’s strength is creativity, not organization.

Bill Rancic and Joan Rivers came to the live finale to voice their opinions on who should win. Joan wanted to give Bret the win for being alive. The whole thing was honestly kind of awkward. Sure, Holly raised a lot of money but Bret beat a brain aneurysm, a stroke and a whole in his heart to get there! Um, what about the final task? I don’t think you can necessarily say Holly outperformed Bret throughout the show. She raised more money, he won more tasks as project manager. And I thought he outdid her on the Snapple project. Forget his medical issues, he deserved the win. And to say he was “emotionally” the winner wasn’t giving him enough credit.

Holly looked amazing at the finale. Her dress and hair were beautiful. Then Bret limped out a pulled a Blago – individually greeting everyone and shaking hands. All jokes aside, it was nice to see him doing well. Holly joked that her son had told her “Mom I love you, but I’m kinda pulling for Bret.”

Trumps don’t know how to have fun

After we heard even more about Bret and Holly’s charities – guys, did you know that Bret is diabetic and that Holly has an autistic son? – we had to see Cyndi Lauper try and perform blues music. Was that George on harmonica? She’s like someone’s crazy, drunk aunt at Christmas. It was all worth it when Cyndi got up and performed on the boardroom table. Everyone looked uncomfortable, other than Bret who’s used to watching women dance on tables. Donald Trump swayed, Don Jr. awkwardly tapped his hand on the table again. He’s totally that creepy guy in the bar who stands off to the side and watches girls dance.

All’s fair in love and the Celebrity Apprentice

Holly tried her best to argue that she deserved the win. Instead of reminding Trump of her accomplishments she revealed to Trump that during the course of the show her mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. And what did Holly “Compassion Berry” Peete do? She stayed on her reality TV show! Bret didn’t play the sympathy card and instead argued that he worked hard and gave the show his all.

So the Celebrity Apprentice was…nope, we wouldn’t find out until after the 874th commercial break in the episode. When the show came back, Trump announced that Snapple was matching the prize money, so both Bret and Holly would receive $250,000 for their charities. So…the end result didn’t matter. Thanks for nothing, Trump. Trump declared Bret the winner, and while I know most people will say it was a sympathy vote or because Bret attended the live finale despite his medical craziness, I think Bret really deserved the win. He won both of his tasks as project manager and rocked (ha! get it?) the Snapple task.

What did you think of the Celebrity Apprentice finale? Did Trump make the right decision?

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