The Much Music Video Awards: Oh, Canada…

This post might only be of interest to Canadian readers, but even if you didn’t see Much Music’s video awards on Sunday night, I suggest reading for the snarky fashion and performance reviews. If you’re not familiar with the MMVAs, it’s a Canadian equivalent of the MTV Video Music Awards, only more fun. There’s lots of performances and the whole thing is like a big party. This year the awards were hosted by none other than teen-queen scandal magnet Miley Cyrus.

The red carpet event kicked off the show, and Katy Perry arrived in an ice cream truck wearing a short, sparkly equivalent of Mary Richard’s hooker dress on the Mary Tyler Moore Show. I’ve got to admit, I love Katy Perry. She’s fun, quirky and doesn’t take herself too seriously. The grand entrance, complete with California girls wearing Daisy Dukes and bikinis on top, perfectly suited her summer anthem.

I hated the dress that Much Music VJ Sarah Taylor wore. She’s a gorgeous girl, why was she wearing an over-sized T-shirt? And on the topic of bad fashion, who the hell makes Perez Hilton’s suits? If he doesn’t go to jail for posting explicit photos of teenaged girls on his website, he should be locked up for crimes against fashion. It’s like the Joker and Don Cherry had an evil, arrogant love child.

I thought Adam Lambert was surprisingly dressed surprisingly subtly, especially for an outlandish awards show like the MMVAs. I like his new Rihanna-esque ‘do, though.

I’ve got to say, I was a bit thrown when the VJs started giving away awards during the red carpet show. What if I was the sort of person who skipped red carpet shows and only tuned in for the real show? I would have missed out on the Jonas Brothers winning best international group! Luckily, I am not the kind of person who skips the red carpet show. If anything, that’s the only bit I’ll watch. I’m also not the kind of person who gives a crap about the Jonas Twerps.

I was surprised to see Drake show up with Justin Bieber. Just because they’re Canadian they have to be friends? How tall is this kid anyway? 5’3″? I almost threw up in my mouth when Drake described Bieber as one of the greatest talents to come out of Canada. I could list everyone who’s better, but it would take so long to list EVERY CANADIAN CELEBRITY EVER. I am ashamed that my country produced that child.

Snooki and Pauly D from the Jersey Shore also walked the red carpet, because apparently they’re celebrities. I’m sorry, but if they can be celebrities, why am I not famous yet? And what does Pauly D use to get his hair to look like that? Is he using the “Something about Mary” brand of hair gel? Another red carpet walker in the realm of fake celebrity was The City’s Whitney Port. Again, I do not understand why she is famous. She’s not pretty. I hate her style. She’s so boring.

I thought Katy Perry and Snooki’s dresses were tiny, but they had nothing on Vampire Diaries’ Nina Dobrev. Or she had nothing on them, I guess. Either way, she was wearing a postage stamp. Canadian songstress Lights, on the other hand, looked very charming in her black and white mini-dress.

Guys, can we take a minute to talk about the red carpet performance by Stereo? Who told these guys they were allowed to be a band? They won some sort of Much Music reality show, and suddenly they’re everywhere. They were even at the local Santa Claus parade here in Halifax. Yep, mixed in among the “Toddlers in Tiaras” style majorettes wearing glittery leggings and Jessica Simpson brand hair extensions was this weird, grimy-looking band. They didn’t even sing a seasonal tune. Anyway, I hated their red carpet performance almost as much as I hated them at the Santa Claus parade.

What the hell was Miley Cyrus wearing for her performance? I’m a pretty unabashed Miley Cyrus fan, and I’ll continue to stick up for her right to grow up and experiment, but I’d have such an easier time rooting for her if “growing up” didn’t include dressing like a member of Girlicious and thrusting her pelvis around. But I overlooked it, because I pretty much know all the words to “Party in the USA”. Also, was Justin Bieber on stage with her? I couldn’t tell, because 95% of teenaged boys have now grown out their hair to look exactly like Bieber.

Next up was a performance by a band I don’t know of a song I vaguely recognize and don’t like. I took the opportunity to continue browsing for shoes online. I did notice that the rapper onstage for the performance looked absolutely thrilled to be there. So, good for him.

Sarah Taylor’s second dress of the evening was much better than the sack she’d originally had on. After hearing the nominees for the first category, I had to wonder – are Drake and Justin Bieber the only two Canadians on the face of the planet right now? They were both nominated at least twice. The boy wonder won, and he was rocking turquoise pants. A bold choice for a child.

I actually really liked the dress that Miley wore to introduce Adam Lambert. Cute bodice with a long, flowy black skirt? So much better than a weird swimsuit/hot pants thing! I was slightly disappointed in Adam Lambert, because I didn’t think he sounded all that great. I wasn’t a huge fan of him on American Idol, but I like Whataya Want From Me. I attribute that to that fact that the song was written by my favorite girl, Pink. Overall, I thought Glambert’s performance was just OK.

Did anyone else really did Miranda Cosgrove’s fun, age-appropriate dress? I thought she looked really cute, and I love her because she was an adorably precocious child back in the day when she had a role in School of Rock. Soon Miley was back, in a very pretty nude strapless dress, and introduced Canadian girl Shenae Grimes who was channeling Madonna just a tad too much. The black leather-and-lace mini AND a large crucifix? Choose one or the other, dear. Later, Miley came out in a short, long-sleeved brown number that, again, I loved. It was super short, but the sleeves, subdued colour and fantastic shoes all made it work.