The Skinny on Skinny Jeans

Ally: So, a while back I discussed my need for a pair of black skinny jeans. Reader Amy suggested I head to Garage where I might face mortification, but also may find exactly what I was looking for.

Off I went to Halifax Shopping Centre where I searched in vain at Banana Republic, Gap and Jacob for a pair of black skinnies to no avail. And then I spotted it. The tacky-ass, neon Garage sign. Please don’t get me wrong. There is a purpose for Garage’s existence. I just believe it is not for women over the age of 30. At 32, the only Garage I should be pulling into is one with a minivan in the suburbs. Word, the website says that Garage offers “casual clothes for teen girls”. It ain’t 1994, so I ain’t supposed to be shopping there.

I did it though. I went into Garage and found a killer pair of black skinny jeans and two long tank tops to wear with tunics over my jeans. Here is where I have a problem.

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Here we have fashion Goddess, Sienna Miller wearing a pair of black skinny jeans with a (rather frumpy but that’s not my point) tunic overtop. Is she wearing a belt? I think not.

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Here is fashion Goddess Nicole Richie wearing (blue) skinny jeans with rather horrifying shoes (not my point). Is she wearing a belt? I think not.

This is where skinny jeans fail me, and possibly where I will get a little TMI on you. I have no Kim Kardashian if you know what I’m saying.

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Still don’t understand what I’m trying to politely say?

From behind, I do not look like one of those “rap guys’ girlfriends”. Nor from the front either, actually.

So, without fail, after wearing my jeans for a half hour, my jeans start to slide down and I spend the day yanking them up like a six year old on the playground wearing big girl clothes for the first time. How can I wear a cute tunic, or long tank, with my new skinny jeans without wearing a belt? I actually got out my maternity belly band to hold my jeans up under my long shirt without having the belt buckle look. Don’t worry, I put it away as fast as I pulled it out.

Help, friends. Help. Cause I want to look like this (sans A-Rod, but that’s not my point).

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L-A: I wish I could be of some use to you, but here’s the problem:

a) I am terrified of skinny jeans.

b) there has yet to be a pair of jeans invented that I can wear without a belt…and that don’t look like this:

Sigh. Such is the plight of the girl with generous hips. I just want to find a pair of jeans that will let me wear tall boots and not look crappy.  Am I asking too much, Universe? Really?

But maybe Sienna and Nicole are wearing belts? How can you tell if they are or not? Sienna’s tunic looks big enough to be a castoff from The Biggest Loser & Nicole looks like she’s doing some kind of Stevie Nicks-wannabe outfit with her seventeen different layers of scarves on.  There is probably a belt on under there and you can’t see it. Either that or they are rich enough to have jeans custom made, which is totally possible.

In summary: I don’t believe in belt free jeans and I am not very helpful.