The VMAs: Very Mundane Awards Show

Based on this morning’s reviews of the MTV Video Music Awards, I wasn’t sure that I should even bother watching my recording of the show. The performances didn’t impress me, the reviews of Chelsea Handler’s hosting skills were blasé at best, and I’d already seen Lady Gaga’s totally awesome work-of-art red carpet attire, as well as her totally bizarre (and totally ripped off from ANTM Cycle 10) meat ensemble.

The red (actually, it was white) carpet show was pretty dull. Lady Gaga looked great, but I was disappointed with Katy Perry’s outfit, and I wasn’t sure why they invited an Oompa Loompa. Oh, that little orange person was Snooki? Oh…

So, I finally found out who/what Nicki Minaj is. Not only did she look like plastic, but she sang like she’s made of plastic too. And Ke$ha. Oh, Ke$ha. The fact that she actually wore a trash bag means it’s totally OK for me to call her trash, right? Right. And how tall is Ke$ha? She looks like a giant. And not just a giant skank, she literally looks very large. Also, why was MTV’s interview with Lady Gaga described as “epic”? She does interviews all the time! It was a normal, typical Gaga interview.

Eminem’s performance was OK, but I didn’t think it was “epic” (to use MTV’s word) enough to open the show. Rihanna sounded great, although her Madonna-esque outfit was kind of lame. I like her new long red hair, though.

Chelsea Handler’s opening bit felt recycled and dull, although I give props to Lindsey Lohan for managing to poke fun at herself. The Lady Gaga bit would have been funnier if she’d had some original lyrics set to “Bad Romance” instead of just playing the recording. And though Jersey Shore might be the most mockable cast in the history of television her joke about herpes really fell flat.

The MTV announcer got confused when he introduced Kim Kardashian. He said “fashion icon” but he meant to say “sex icon”. She introduced Justin Bieber, and I managed to watch 4 whole seconds of his performance before I got annoyed and hit fast-forward. Don’t laugh, that’s a new record for me. I did watch the Much Music VJs make fun of how he was lip-syncing, though.

I couldn’t watch Usher’s performance, because I used to dislike him and now that I know he’s responsible for Justin Bieber I totally hate him. Katy Perry and Nicki Minaj presented an award together, but I was way too distracted by Nicki Minaj’s butt to notice what it was. Was she wearing the Booty Pop? I think she was!

OK, so want to know how lame I am? Every time I hear someone say “Florence Welch” my mind automatically goes to “Lawrence Welk”. Some pop culture junkie I am. Actually, her performance was pretty cool. Her voice is really strange, but in a good way.

How great was Jane Lynch’s outfit? So great. And how great was Amber Riley’s outfit? Not great at all. And why did Chris Colfer show up like he was on his way to the grocery store? You disappointed me, Glee. Only Sue Sylvester came through for me.

OK, now let’s talk about this whole Taylor Swift/Kanye West thing. After TaylorGate last year, my first were firmly planted in the world of Team Taylor and there they remain. And even the song I could take. It was the intro that I thought was too much. I mean, come on. You could tell the song was about Kanye, so why rehash the whole mess by playing old clips beforehand? Also, that was not the best she’s ever sounded. Later, Kanye closed out the show by also singing about himself. The song seemed to be about how talented he is, but also about what a scumbag he is. The whole ordeal seemed terribly self-indulgent on both ends.

Mary J. and Drake’s performance was OK. I just can’t take him seriously knowing that he used to be on Degrassi The Next Generation. Canadian TV Dramas do not provide a lot of street cred. Now, let’s take a moment to all remember how smokin’ hot Sofia Vergara looked. Seriously, could she be any better looking? I’m pretty sure that’s the only reason she was even there.

I’m a big fan of Bruno Mars. He’s one of my favorite new artists. I also love B.o.B’s song with Haley Williams, “Airplanes”. And though I was disappointed to find out that my musical crush Bruno had such an ugly haircut, and that Haley Williams was wearing such an ugly outfit, their performance was still one of my favorites. It was cool to see Haley join her band, Paramore, at the end as well. I saw them open for No Doubt in Montreal last year and have been a fan ever since.

I loved Cher coming out in her famous “If You Could Turn Back Time” outfit. She presented Lady Gaga with an award, who climbed up on stage wearing an outfit entirely made of meat. Hat, shoes, purse…the whole kit and kaboodle. She belted out a line from the title track of her upcoming album, “Born This Way”, which sounded pretty awesome. And that pretty much summed up the evening – Lady Gaga won a bunch of awards, that Bieber kid won the rest, and the performances were incredibly dull. I’d give the show an overall grade of C-. What did you think?