This Needs to Stop: Vibram Five Fingers

I have spent the past seven years mocking Crocs and the people who wear them mercilessly. But I must confess: I still remember the very day I almost bought a pair for myself in a moment of confusion.

It was the summer of 2004 and I was living in PEI. I had been seeing these colourful shoes all over the place and had heard people raving about how comfortable they were, how they are hypoallergenic, how easy they are to slide on and off. My feeble, easily influenced mind decided that owning Crocs was a good idea. One day, while out browsing in some of the shops along the Charlottetown waterfront, I found a store that sold Crocs and chose a bright pink pair from the display.

I was in line to purchase those Crocs when I looked at them. I mean really looked.

And a little voice inside my head screamed at me. “For the love of Jesus, you’re about to spend 30-some dollars on PINK RUBBER CLOGS. Put them back on the rack and go get a box of wine instead.” And I did. (It was Hochtaler, for the record. And I mixed it with medications and I shouldn’t have done that and later that night I tried to beat up a girl for liking the Montreal Canadiens.)

Maybe I should have just bought the Crocs.

ANYWAY! Fast forward seven years and all sorts of good things are happened. My mental stability has been restored, for one. Crocs are mostly a thing of the past, which is also a blessing. However, there’s a new kid on the block that is causing me some grief.

Vibram Five Fingers are beginning to crop up in local gyms and on running trails. Apparently, the five fingers design allows feet to move more naturally and freely. I say it assists people who make it a point to go out in public looking as stupid as possible to achieve their goals of looking hideous. If you were out to win a gold medal in Fugliness, they’d be perfect. Otherwise, NO.

I don’t even know what to say about these things other than they’re ugly, they shouldn’t be worn in public, and if I see you wearing Vibram Five Fingers at the gym I am going to walk over and drop the heaviest dumbbell I can lift on your ugly sock-shoes. That’ll teach you to choose hideous footwear. Whatever disdain I used to harbour for Crocs and those who wear them has been shifted – and amplified – for VFF. Just say no.


Sweat the Small Stuff


The Hardest Step