L-A: More from the Month of Lists! Today is the Top Five Fictional Best Friends (which, like fictional boyfriends, is different from Pretend Best Friends. The key difference being that I could theoretically one day hang out with Zooey Deschanel).  These are the fictional friends who I would take for shopping trips, they would tell me the truth about whether the shirt is vintage gold or just plain frumpy. They’re the friends who will go for cocktails with you in good (new job! new shoes! it’s sunny!) and bad times (crushing self-doubt! bad news! it’s raining!).

Top Five Fictional BFFs

BFF4Eva

1. Elizabeth Bennett

Don’t even try to front like there’s another Elizabeth Bennett. Keira Knightly? Please.

While she’d probably bitch slap me for putting the moves on Mr. Darcy, I think we’d both agree that our besties come first. I mean, she said bygones when her BFF Charlotte was the sloppy seconds for her creepy cousin. That is true friendship. I also think she’d be a hoot to take to any function – both social and profesh. She’d be the one in the back with you bitching about others at the party. And while she cleans up well, she’d super casual and chill most of the time. I mean, did you see her petticoat? At least three inches of mud. It is too bad about the sisters – Jane included – but what can you do?

2. Lady Mary Crawley

She could bitchface you six ways to Sunday. That’s why I like her.

Lady Mary doesn’t suffer fools gladly. Which is probably why she’s not big on having friends. Or even tolerating her dowdy sister. Which is why she’d make the best friend ever. If this lady is willing to spend five minutes with you, you know you’re the smartest and prettiest girl in the room – after Lady Mary of course. Also, I’m pretty sure she’d take down anyone who’d try to cross you with one withering glance. Mind you, you probably want to work hard to stay on her good side. Any woman who can cover up the fact that a Turk died in her bed isn’t one to be trifled with.

3. The Lisbon Sisters

The Lisbon Sisters don’t have friends. They don’t need them because they have each other. But if you were blonde enough and detached enough from the world and full of teenage girl feelings, I bet they’d make swell friends. You’d lie around all day, feeling teenage girl feelings, wearing Dr. Scholls and listening to records.

I’m not saying being friends with the Lisbon sisters would be sunshine and lollipops. It’d mostly be the opposite. I’m just saying these girls would totally have your back at all times. You’d be part of this sisterly clique of modest fashions and while they were still alive, everything would have a soft, golden glow like Sofia Coppola was directing your life. It’ll just suck when they kill themselves and all the trees die and your left to discuss the whens/whys/how it all went down with the neighbourhood boys for the next 20 years.

4. Angela Chase

Always and forever BFFs. Probably when you get older and Angela goes back to being blonde and takes on a really professional job (CIA agent. Maybe), you’ll just be Facebook friends most of the time. But you’ll always have those four years of being teenage girls together and dying your hair and hanging out in the girls room with Ricky. Unlike Rayanne, you’d never sleep with Jordan Catalano (no matter how well he leans), which is why your friendship with Angela endures. And when you both happen to be in the same city, you’ll get together for drinks in her hotel room and dance on the bed to Blister in the Sun. You’ll talk about how amazing Crimson Glow is as a hair colour, how much better music was in the 90s and if anyone has heard from Jordan Catalano (not since graduation) or Rayanne (she friended you on Facebook and has three kids) or Brian (date rape charges at NYU and he dropped out. Your mom mentions that she was talking to his mom at Thanksgiving). It’ll be like old times, no matter how old you are.

5. Veronica Mars

Do you want a sassy, pint-sized best friend with great hair who will taser a man for you? Yes. Yes, you do.  It’ll take some time before she lets you in past the tough exterior – so persevere – inside she’s a marshmallow. A twinkie. And once you’re in, she’ll bake you snickerdoodles and you’ll cruise around town in search of bad guys in her Le Baron. She’ll involve you in plots and adventures and maybe even let you go undercover to prove that jerk really did steal those dogs. And unlike her teen sleuth counterpart Nancy Drew, she will never get chloroformed. She may find herself at gun point as she tries to confront anyone who tried to hurt you, but no chloroform. She’ll stand up for you with sassy, wisecrackin’ pop culture referencin’ remarks when everyone is against you. And she’ll put herself in harms way just to figure out who killed you. Which shows how loyal she is. It’s just too bad you slept with your boyfriend’s dad and now you’re dead. At least you know your both Veronica and your boyfriend were fully conflicted about make out time, even two years after your death. That’s a real BFF.