Top Five Things I’d Been Better Without

L-A: My homegirl Dorothy Parker once wrote:

Four be the things I’d been better without:

Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.

She’s definitely got two of four right. For my own personal inventory, here are a few of the things I’d been better without.

Top Five Things I’m So Over

so you can stop now. 

 1. Animal Prints

Let’s face it. I was never on board with animal prints to being with. But if I can google research “Real Housewives of New Jersey” and get a selection of animal prints, then don’t you think it’s a thing we should avoid rather than embrace?

Top Five Things I’d Been Better Without

Who is this woman again? And why is she all over my grocery store aisles?

If we’re going to embrace animal prints, let’s do this instead:

Top Five Things I’d Been Better Without

2. Gangnam Style

I was tardy to this party and thankfully so. It saved me months of having this stuck in my head. I finally had to google it up  because I needed to know what the hell it was about. And let me tell you: I was not impressed.

Top Five Things I’d Been Better Without

Honestly, what fresh hell is this?

One could say it’s a cultural thing; that I maybe don’t get Korean pop culture. And I’d reply with, “fair.” Because I don’t. But way too many people outside of Korea like this for me to let that slide as the reason for me not getting it. And I don’t remember who likened this to the macarena, but whoever they were: AMEN. We really are destined to repeat our historical mistakes. Like invading Russia or embarrassing dance moves your extended family will being doing at a wedding in ten years.

3. Those bootie sandals the Gangnam Style dancers are wearing

I thought this had passed! I thought bulky suede ankles while showing off your pedicure was over! Am I wrong?

Top Five Things I’d Been Better Without

Just say no, okay?

Because I really want to be right about this not being a thing. If for some strange reason they have not ceased to be a thing or they are on the verge of making a come back, I beseech you to stop, think about how no one looks good with a bulky ankle, and back away from the bootie-sandal hybrid.

4. Non-Waterproof Mascara

Why do we even make this stuff? I bought Maybelline Great Lash recently because I was too cheap to spring for the Dior Show I normally wear and it has been weeks of living with the regret that comes with buying mascara on sale. Sure it looks great at 9am when I show up to work, but I need it to look great at 2pm. And honestly, this is not a look I’m going for when I hit a client meeting:

Top Five Things I’d Been Better Without

Trust me when I say: no one notices how cute your blazer is when you have mascara down your face. In other news, I should maybe rub my eyes less.


5. Gossip Girl

I still watch it like it’s my job (oh wait! It is! And you can read my snappy mini-recaps at YKYLF), but the show I once loved is but a shell of it’s former self.

Top Five Things I’d Been Better Without

After six seasons, you’d think one of them would have graduated from some kind of post-secondary institution and done something with their lives. But they really haven’t.

This 10 episode final season is a mercy killing of the highest degree. Because they could have just killed it at the end of season five and we’d have all moved on, safe in the knowledge that the show had to be put down for it’s own good. This season is there for the rabid Chuck-Blair fans who need some kind of fairytale ending to that emotionally abusive relationship (because it certainly isn’t to show us how Nate carries on being as dumb as a pile of sweet, well-meaning rocks). On the upside, it doesn’t fill me with rage in the same way as last season’s Glee or the SATC movies did…so there’s that.

Your turn: top five things you’d been better without? Love, curiosity, Gangnam Style, freckles or doubt?

Yours in lisiting things,




REPLAY: North End Matters, Wed Oct 24, 2012

Quo Back to Basics palette