Inevitably during a visit to any restaurant, nature will come calling and you will need to use the establishment’s washroom.

This may occur the second you enter the restaurant because you’ve been holding it on route.

It may occur after you’ve paid your bill since you’ve been saving it so that you only have to go once and you will be safe for awhile after you leave.

Whenever the moment arrives, there are several easy guidelines to ensure a seamless journey to the toilet and back.

First, if you are in a restaurant you’ve never visited and you do not know there the washroom is, it wouldn’t kill you to just get up and try to find it. Give it the old college try.

Walk around the place with that look of a man searching for something. Chances are very good you will find it. Chances are better that some helpful employee will ask you if you are looking for the washrooms, and will provide directions.

However, if you must ask where the washrooms are, either while actively searching, or at your table, ask in the following way.

“Where are the washrooms?”

You might even feel comfortable throwing in an “Excuse me” and/or a “Please”. These niceties are not essential, however the full wording of the question is.

Do not use one of the following two bastardized versions of the question:

1) “Washrooms?” – Simply saying “washrooms” with an enquisitive tone is an expression I’ve heard thousands of times in my serving career and it still drives me nuts. It’s as if you are saying to the employee, “You are not worth the four words it takes to ask the question, you only get one”.

One time my girlfriend and I were at a restaurant in Montreal. After waiting about 10 minutes for our server to make his first appearance, a tiny little guy approached our table to take our order. The only word out of his mouth was “Ready?”

Now, he was very busy and he was a nice guy and it was Montreal, so we didn’t really have a problem. It’s something we still laugh about. Imagine you are at your table and your server approaches and simply says “Ready?” Immediately you would feel slightly taken aback and you may even make the assumption that the server is rude.

Assuming that this is true, why would you do the same thing to a restaurant employee. By saying “washrooms” to your server or just some random person wearing a uniform who comes across your path is rude and unfriendly.

2) “Washrooms are?” – This remark is equally annoying but for different reasons. The customer isn’t saying to the employee that they are not worth four words, they are just simply too lazy to finish a sentence.

It’s all to indicative of society’s seemingly endless desire to find shorter and fasters ways of communication, to the detriment of relating to each other in a positive way.

Furthermore, it’s an open ended question. One time a guest walked past me and asked “washrooms are?” I looked at her with an expression that would suggest I was trying to the think of the right answer and replied, “A place where one goes to relieve themselves and/or freshen up”, then gave her a look of hope that I was correct.

After staring at me for a couple of seconds in confusion, she caught on and proceded to stare a hole through my soul with eyes that appeared to be spawn from Satan himself.

That lady received a valuable lesson that day, and it is my firm belief she will never make the mistake again.

3) Washroom Confirmation– Finally, if you see a door that has one of those little man/woman symbols and there is a sign above or near it that says “Washrooms”, you can safely assume it is the washroom. There is no need to confirm with the nearest employee by asking “Is this the washroom” while pointing at the door.

This sounds absurd, but you would be shocked how many people over the years have asked me this question, while standing directly in front of the door that clearly states “washrooms”.

I know we are living in a troubled society whose morals and values are seemingly going down the drain, so you have to be careful whom you trust. (do smart people use “whom” or “who” there)

However, chances are very good that if you open the door you will find a toilet, a sink with a mirror and paper towel.

You will not encounter a ravenous tiger ready to pounce on you.

After taking one step you are not going to fall into a bottomless pit left to sink for eternity.

I really don’t think you are going to walk through the door and end up in a parallel universe from which there is no escape, or end up like the villains at the start of Superman 2, trapped in some weird mirror and drifting through space.

Good grief, if we can’t safely trust that the washroom door is in fact, the washroom door, who or what can we trust.

Now, go and use the washroom in peace.

Halifaxserver lives on the peninsula and loves Halifax. Follow him on twitter @halifaxserver. Email halifaxserver@gmail.com.