Working won’t work

And I go back to work in less than a month.

When Cameron was first born, my husband and I looked at our finances and tried to find a way for me to stay at home with Cameron.  Unfortunately, it just wasn’t feasible.  It made more sense for me to go to work and to pay someone else to raise my child.

Tonight, we go meet the most likely candidate for this role.

I feel so sick and guilty.

I can’t imagine how I will drop Cameron off and leave him for a full day without me.  I can’t imagine not being there on those first few days when Cameron wanders around, looking for his Mommy in a totally new and scary place surrounded by strangers.  His routine will be changed.  Nothing will be the same.  Someone else will teach him.  Someone else will get to spend their entire day with him.

And I’ll get him for an hour and a half before bedtime.

I miss him already.  My heart is breaking for him already.

I keep trying to tell myself that this will be fine for Cameron.  The first few days will be hard, but afterwards he’ll be okay.  It will even be positive.  He’ll make friends and learn to be social.  Everything will be great.

Except I don’t believe that.  I believe that the best thing for Cameron is to be raised by his Mommy.  I don’t believe that someone who is taking care of five other children will be able to adequately care for my baby.  His routine will be shaken up.  His needs won’t be met as quickly if at all.  Who will snuggle with Cameron and give him a bottle before each nap?  Who will teach him to say “Mama”?

This is what I’ve been dreading since the day I’ve found out I was pregnant.  This is the hardest thing I have ever done.

I still have three weeks left with Cameron.  I will continue to make the most of this time with my son.

But I can’t help laying awake at night dreading what will ultimately happen.  I can’t help crying when I think about not being there for him.